Book Review: Finding the Hero in Your Husband

Book Review: Finding the Hero in Your Husband: Embracing Your Power in Marriage by Dr. Juli Slattery

I came across this book in recently looking for some counseling resources for wives. I have read various books for women/wives but most of them tend to either lean quite egalitarian or too heavily on the other end (I would even say they lean patriarchal even though they would ALL claim to be "complementarian" (I'm thinking of Rachel Jonkovic/Doug Wilson crew, but even some like Voddie Baucham and Martha Peace who are super respected in very Biblical churches I have found to be lacking in what I would consider a true Biblically-balanced "complementarianism"). In coming across this book, I was honestly a little skeptical at first - she's trained as a psychologist - and most of the time I find these types do not have a good balance (both Biblically/theologically but in also how this plays out in their counseling). However, she seemed pretty Biblical from my basic research so I gave it a try. To my surprise, I got through the first chapter and said to my husband "I think this might be the be the best, most Biblically-balanced book for wives I've ever read." On page 7 there is this quote: "A woman never marries the man of her dreams. She helps the man she marries to become the man of his dreams." More specifically, Juli goes on to say that God has given us power in our marriage to help our husband become the hero and man GOD wants him to be (not so much the one WE want him to be). 

Not only does Juli have a background/training in counseling and understanding complex human psychology but she has had a not-easy marriage herself. In addition, and maybe most importantly, she has a solid understanding of the teaching of Scripture on marriage. I also want to add, that Juli is VERY gentle in how she writes. For example, she doesn't presume that her readers automatically accept the Biblical teaching of "submission" and realizes there 1) has been a lot of flat-out wrong or mis-teaching of this topic even in the church, and 2) there is a Biblical balance. She also acknowledges more than once that abuse/serious sin issues are unique and require specialized counseling and help beyond the scope of her book. She is very honest with her/their own marriage struggles, where she's had to learn and grow and is very thorough in going through various topics. Her main focus is intimacy - which must involve a lot of things not just the physical side of things. For true intimacy there must be good communication, submission to Scripture, genuine love and respect, understanding, the ability to work through conflict, etc. From the need (and sometimes fear) we have about feeling safe and needing "closeness" in our marriage, communication, working through conflict, submission (what it does and does NOT mean), sex, the "big 3" conflict issues (fiances, parenting & in-laws), and more, and she walks you through Biblical passages, examples from he counseling experience (as well as her own), and practical steps/encouragement. There is SO many practical examples and advice of how you should love your husband well so that you are 1) loving him instead of putting him down, and 2) empowering him and not enabling. At this point in my marriage, our marriage is pretty good - but there were still lots of really good reminders and encouragements that I needed to hear. And she echo'd a lot of things I personally learned during a very hard season of our marriage.

I highly recommend this book to wives, or even women who are waiting or are soon-to-be wives. Biblically balanced, practical and SO inspiring and encouraging!

P.S. I'm currently working through another one of Juli's books which I will review when I'm done. If you'd like to check out her other books/resources her website can be found HERE. There's also videos/interviews she's done that you can find online.

P.S.S. Some might notice the forward is by Jackie Hill Perry - I will rightly acknowledge that her theology/viewpoints have been concerning lately, but I don't consider her endorsement of this book a concern.

My Response to Why I Warn Against the Wilsons

 A friend of mine recently asked me why I didn't like Rachel Jankovic (author and daughter of Pastor Doug Wilson) and thought she was a hypocrite. Here is my response. (I will probably add to this as time goes on and I have more time to write more specific things.)

So my primary concern with Rachel is her affiliation and similar teaching/theology as her father (thus this post is about "the Wilson's"). I have done extensive digging into his theology, character, and handing of church/other matters and would put him in the category of a false teacher. There are too many serious concerns to not to. I believe his teaching to be dangerous. In fact, I consider Doug Wilson a dangerous false teacher and an abusive narcissist. So, while I will admit I have not thoroughly examined Rachel's writing/speaking very specifically, as she and her father work together and teach/hold to the same things I haven’t felt it was necessary to spend the time to do that. 

 

As for their hypocrisy... a hypocrite is someone who says one thing and does another. If someone claims to be an orthodox, Biblical teacher, but teaches things that are opposed to, even offensive to the truths of Orthodox Christianity, than umm yeah that makes them a hypocrite. So the real issue here is whether or not what the Wilson's teach is consistent with Scripture and Orthodox Christianity.

 

I will below list my main areas of concern with the Wilson's (and by this I mean Doug Wilson, his family or really anyone associated with him). Please note I don’t necessarily agree with everything his critics say or believe themselves, but when it comes to the topic(s) at hand, I believe they are absolutely right in their critique and concerns. Those who have gleaned good things from the Wilson's may think they are just throwing stones, but most of them have tried very hard to be fair in their critiques and concerns. Some of these are or seem small, but small things add up as well. Small flaws in character add up to bigger ones. The more small things I saw, the more I slowly became concerned. It will take some time for you to get through all this…. It was several months of me listening, reading and researching to come to the convictions I have now.

 

Doug Wilson’s questionable (heretical?) theology: It is important to say that a lot of what the Wilson's say, *seems* orthodox and right, and a lot of it IS orthodox. However, their false doctrine/teaching is extremely sneaky and subtle. I will share a lot of what others have written/said since they have done more extensive work and say it better than I could.

 

His view of Justification This is one of the biggest and most serious concerns. I really don’t have time to write out a whole explanation and argument, plus the two below do it very well:

https://theocast.org/is-doug-wilson-a-false-teacher/

https://thelondonlyceum.com/on-justification-doug-wilson-and-the-moscow-doctrine/

 

On Federal Vision: This is rather complex, but to summarize for you, Wilson says he’s Reformed, but the views he holds on the Covenants and on justification do not line up with traditional/orthodox Reformed theology. A lot of Reformed people outside his camp have serious concerns with views on this (and obviously Arminians would strongly disagree with him in this area of theology as well).  https://carm.org/about-theology/what-is-federal-vision-theology-and-is-it-biblical/

 

(P.S. Doug Wilson has claimed he no longer holds to “Federal Vision” however, it is very important to note that he has NOT rejected the theology that Federal Vision holds to - and that is the problem. In other words, he’s rejecting the label but keeping the theology. Tricksy… and completely hypocritical.)

 

Views on men’s/women’s roles:  The more I have read/heard from the Wilson's on this topic, the more I have been seriously concerned - and downright disgusted. The extreme patriarchy is very subtle at times, but I would assert is NOT in line with Biblical complementarianism. Again, they say a lot of things thare are actually right or at least *seem* right, but digging deeper I have often seen some red flags and have thoughts like “ehhh I’m not sure that’s quite right/balanced”. And on further study, I've found their view to not be in line with Scripture. As Rachel has written more about the area of womenhood it's important to address her specifically here. But as she is collusion with her father, I cannot freely trust her view on being a Biblical woman/wife/mother. While I have seen she does have many good and right things to say, there are also some huge concerns and wrong theology... At best, I would have to give too many cautions to feel I could recommend her to anyone. 

 Here's an article documenting the abusive teaching on a wife's obligation to submit to rape: https://www.vice.com/en/article/inside-the-church-that-preaches-wives-need-to-be-led-with-a-firm-hand/

Here is something from Rachel's own mouth... she's being grossly mistreated/controlled and doesn't even see it... seriously? What Christ-like husband would treat his brand new wife like this???: https://www.facebook.com/ExaminingMoscow/videos/346749201336488 

And while we're at it, here's another video from Rachel with a rather shocking condemning and hypocritical attitude. Other's "know for absolute certain?" You're a woman, you can't do anything right - that is the main message I've gotten from Rachel.  https://www.facebook.com/ExaminingMoscow/videos/1920306348165019

And one more for you: 

I can also talk about Nancy Wilson and her parenting advice.... you can watch clips of her "Biblical parenting advice" here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75lZfjq_GWg  The whole Wilson family also appears in this video - notice the gaslighting from several of them - Dean (the host/critic) is really good at pointing out the red flags you should notice. (P.S This is very similar to the Pearl's borderline(at best?) abusive parenting advice - STAY AWAY! P.S.S. I am not at all anti-spanking, I think it can be fine done correctly, but it can very easily be done wrongly.)

I will add here that I have personal experience of having to submit to and respect a husband who was in the wrong - who was going the wrong direction theologically - it was hard, I had to learn and grow a lot in my obedience to God in my submission and attitude towards my husband, however, my complementarianism/beliefs about submission are NOT the same as the Wilson's. I would absolutely not put them in the same category.  

I have seen too many quotes and heard things Doug Wilson himself has said that are downright demeaning to women and completely unbiblical. Here’s an example: It might just be a woman's fault if she gets raped.... “But women who genuinely insist on ‘no masculine protection’ are really women who tacitly agree on the propriety of rape.” (Douglas Wilson, Her Hand in Marriage, p. 13) (And no, I’m not taking this out of context, you can read more in articles I’ve shared).

 

Here’s some people who have written about concerns in this area:

https://fullmetalpatriarchy.wordpress.com/category/doug-wilson/

https://mereorthodoxy.com/sex-submission-and-evangelicals-doug-wilson-controversial-words

https://spiritualsoundingboard.com/2016/01/15/pastor-doug-wilson-on-rape-submission-feminists-and-boobs/

 

Doug Wilson/Christ’s church handing of sexual sin and sexual abuse:

This is another HUGE concern. I'm not sure there is another area of all of life that makes me more angry than the ignoring/injustice of abuse in "Christian" environments. If I were to curse like Doug Wilson and his crew does, this is where I'd do it. Not only do the above patriarch views allow for this kind of thing to flourish, there continues to be very little accountability or serious concern for protecting others and dealing with abusers appropriately. There has been NO admission of “hey maybe we got this wrong” only defensive tactics. I have looked into this probably the most extensively - I have listened to the victims and others who witnessed the situation(s), read reports, the actual court cases, etc.

You can find more information about the abuse cases at this link (which also provides links to actual court cases): https://bredenhof.ca/2023/07/10/doug-wilson-the-ugly/

 

Another article on this issue:

https://religiondispatches.org/sexual-abuse-is-inevitable-in-christian-patriarchy-just-take-a-look-at-doug-wilsons-christ-church-and-its-new-documentary-eve-in-exile-the-restoration-of-femininity/

 

Other personal/character concerns:

His crude language and sexualized content. This is mentioned in several of the resources I’ve shared, but worth stating again. Much of it is downright disgusting and inappropriate for a Christian. I have directly read and personally listened to SO many crude things, and swear words (F-word, s-word, d-word and so much more) from Doug Wilson and from others who work closely with him. I will not link any videos or proof of this one but it's easy to find. They literally throw these words around the same as an unbeliever would. Is this really the kind of people you want to recommend to others?

 

Also, when he first was trying to become pastor of his current church, the elders didn’t think he conformed to their statement of faith (mainly having to do with his view of justification above). They asked him to either conform or step down. Instead, he mobilized church members to support him and basically forced the other elders to resign/leave and took over the leadership of the church. It was a forcible power struggle that he won. This is not an appropriate way to be any kind of respectable leader and I consider this a very bad indication of his character - but it lines up with other control issues that are reported. (This whole thing is common knowledge and a number of people have written about it - it’s mentioned in several of the resources I shared.) The main reason Wilson formed his own denomination is that none of the other main (Presbyterian Church of America is where he first tried to join) denominations would accept him. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with starting your own denomination, but if it’s because you can’t find a single one you could at least be acceptable in - that indicates a problem. Not to mention I'm pretty sure he's just a narcissist who wants to be in complete control.

 

 

Other resources:

I would recommend checking out this facebook page (they are also on Instagram) - I wouldn’t agree with all their angles or everything they say, but they bring to light a lot of what I mentioned above and a lot of provide evidence in videos, quotes, documents, etc. https://www.facebook.com/ExaminingMoscow

 

This is written by a unitarian, so obviously there are some things in there we wouldn’t agree with him on, however he tries to be fairly fair and goes through some of the other things mentioned above as well as some I didn’t take the time to mention (i.e. Doug Wilson’s controlling nature, sloppy writing and references in writing, his view on slavery in America, his extreme patriarchy, extreme political views, etc. - all of which I would agree are concerning).

https://www.webpages.uidaho.edu/ngier/wilsonempire.htm

 

 

In closing, so yes, I absolutely warn against the Wilson's, and anyone associated with them. If you're not convinced yet, take the time to listen to/read through the links provided.

Book Review: Unholy Charade by Jeff Crippen

“Discernment is not simply a matter of telling the difference between what is right

and wrong; rather it is the difference between right and almost right.” -Charles Spurgeon

 

Incorrect interpretations of Scripture, no matter what Christian theologian may 

speak them, need to be treated as what they are:  false teaching. 

Poor interpretation must be corrected if we want to hold Scripture high. (-me)

 

Jeff Crippen (pastor, advocate and writer at https://unholycharade.com/) has written this very educational book on domestic abuse in the church. With the experience of nearly hundreds of interaction with victims (and abusers), Jeff reveals the Church-at-large’s arrogant ignorance of abusers and their damage to their family members all while wearing an effective mask of Christianity. He quotes extensively from victims (and some notable church leaders) proving the church-at-large’s weakness in this area to understand and help.

 

The Church (and I speak of the Church-at-large) does not take abuse in the church seriously. One reason is because we don’t want to believe there actually ARE wolves in our midst. Surely, not in OUR church. Surely, not THAT “nice” man who teaches Sunday School! But most people are also woefully ignorant of the nature of abusers – that they are people without conscience and extremely skilled at deceiving others. While I’m sure most of us have seen some news stories of a charming man who ruthlessly murdered his wife (or others), we don’t think (or want to think) that this kind of man could be part of our church – or even be in leadership! But the truth is that Jesus himself warned that this WOULD happen:

 

“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire…” (Matt 7:15-23)

 

Churches are also deceived by false repentance. We think that if someone SAYS they’re repentant and ACTS like it in the moment that they must be genuine. But the truth is that repentance is only really known by one thing: Fruit. And fruit takes time. It is false teaching to take the word of an abuser’s “repentance” and just expect the victim to “forgive and forget”. It is dangerous to rush reconciliation before we see evidence of true repentance. We not only may risk the physical life of the victim, but even more so, we put their emotional and spiritual health at risk.

 

Too many churches are also more concerned about their reputations than about dealing with situation. Abuse in the church looks bad, it’s far easier to just tell the victim to “submit more” “forgive and love him anyway” than actually help and deal with the sin of the abuser. Part of this is ignorance, but it’s a willful ignorance where they ignore the pleas for help and ignore the lack of repentance-fruit. I personally know several churches who were (or still are) either deceived or flat-out denied/ignored the plight of the victim, siding with the abuser and excommunicating the victim when she finally fled. Even when the elders were confronted with proof of abuse they have refused to apologize for the injustice they’d given. Instead of helping they tell her to submit in ways that she was NOT commanded by God to do, and to suffer unjustly. This is the total opposite of what church leaders are supposed to do. I have said elsewhere that those that don't deal with abusers are like the pharisees, here's what Jesus said about them:

 

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth 

of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters 

of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, 

without neglecting the former.” (Matt 23:23) You “pile heavy burdens on people's 

shoulders and won't lift a finger to help”. (Matt 23:4)

 

Christians can also idolize marriage so that their focus becomes on “preserving the marriage” rather than seriously dealing with the sin and protecting the victim. They do not understand that in their desire to “preserve marriage” they are actually degrading marriage by continuing to validating it when the vows have been broken (and continue to be broken with no true repentance). Many Christians also have a false interpretation of Malachi 2:16 that is so often quoted as “God hates divorce”. This is a completely inaccurate translation. This inaccuracy is prevalent despite the accurateness of the ESV says: “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the LORD, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the LORD of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.” Hating his wife and being “faithless” is exactly what an abuser is. This isn't saying he should divorce (or that she shouldn't divorce him). Even if he does not pursue divorce (usually an abuser does not as he wants to stay in control of his victim, plus that would make him look bad) he has broken the marriage vows to “love and protect” his wife. THIS is what it means to have a high view of marriage. While no one will love their spouse perfectly, the idea is that there is a genuine desire to love and do good to their spouse. Abusers do not have this, and over time the true of any “repentance” should be very clear – if we are paying attention.

 

Jeff gives lots of practical instruction on how to spot abuse, how to recognize an abuser, questions to ask to help you see through any façade, ways to help the victim, how to know if divorce is Biblical, and more. This book is a must-read for Christians, especially those in leadership who are called to shepherd Christ’s flock.  To ignore abuse is to ignore justice and mercy just as the Pharisees did.

 

“Silence in the face of evil is itself evil.” – Detrick Bonhoeffer

 

 

May we repent of our blindness and arrogant ignorance in dealing with abuse victims within our walls. May we deal rightly with the sin of abuse, and not allow the victimization of others. May we set free the oppressed and show true justice to the sinner and the victim.

 

“Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause

of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow.” (Isa 1:17)

“Do not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great,

but judge your neighbor fairly.” (Lev 19:15)

 

Some excerpts from the book: 

 

Buy the book here: https://www.amazon.com/Unholy-Charade-Unmasking-Domestic-Abuser/dp/0692533222

Abusers and the Pharisees Who Enable Them

(This post is a follow-up to this post. Readers are advised to read that one first.)

“My zeal consumes me, because my foes forget your words.” (Ps. 119:139, ESV)

The Pharisees in the Gospels are not portrayed in a favorable light. Over and over Jesus warns his followers to not imitate them. They were proud, self-righteous, didn’t practice what they preached and focused on their own interpretation of the law rather than what God intended. No Christian wants to find out they are like the Pharisees. I tread on rather dangerous ground even hinting that this could happen, but to not do so, I believe would be pharisaical itself.  

I read a book some time ago called Accidental Pharisees (you can read my summary of it here). This is a fantastic book but not an easy read as it reminded me that all of us have same tendencies and sin-inclinations that the pharisees had and that it is deceptively easy to slide into self-righteousness and pride. (Lord, may this not be me right now!)

We have a problem in the church today. When confronted with abuse, churches are not handling it in godly, Biblical ways but rather in ways that fit with their pre-disposed ideas. With abusive marriages particularly, often church leaders value the marriage over the individual people. As a result, they minimize the abuser’s behavior, believe him over her and even shift the focus and blame on the victim for wanting out of the marriage. This type of thinking and action is seen fairly often in patriarchal churches that hold to an unbalance of power in marriage, for, “When taken to their logical conclusion, the teachings of patriarchal authoritarianism groom men to become dictators, and condition women to accept abuse as God’s will.” (From Fractured Covenants, see my last post). Like the Pharisees, they focus on the “letter of the law” rather than the person and the situation – the real heart of the issue. Their focus is on “saving the marriage” rather than dealing with the real sin issue and rescuing a sister in Christ.  

When I was getting my counseling degree from Westminster Theological Seminary through Christian Counseling Educational Foundation, one of the most impactful classes I took was an observation class with Darby Stickland where we watched her counsel a couple where the husband was emotionally abusive. It was incredibly eye-opening. The husband was an EXACT match for the descriptions of an abusive person given in chapter 1 of Fractured Covenants (See under heading “Where Does Subtler Mistreatment End, and Abuse Begin?” See also additional descriptions in chapter 2). And the poor wife, she was so conditioned that she had no idea she was innocent – and that he was the problem! It was beautiful seeing the understanding dawn in her face as she realized the way he was treating her was wrong and that she had done nothing to deserve it. It was tragic to see a woman stuck in such an awful situation.

In 1 Cor. 5:11, it says this:  ^“But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler - not even to eat with such a one.” You can be a practicing adulterer, reviler, drunkard, or you can be a Christian. You can’t be both. “In fact, according to this text, a reviler who calls himself a brother is far, far worse than an outright unbeliever. A reviler who is allowed to call himself a brother will corrupt the whole church” (Fractured Covenants, and see here). Many abusers pass themselves off as “good Christian men” but in reality, in secret, are slanderers and revilers of their wives. Jesus had a lot to say about these kinds of people: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness” (Matthew 23:27-28).

When church leaders misplace blame and demand a woman return to an abusive husband – especially one who claims to be a Christian - they are disobeying 1 Cor. 5:11 and the rest of Scripture which says over and over to rescue those who are oppressed (see Psalm 82:3-4, Lev. 19:15, and many others). Doing so they spiritually abuse their position and add to the victims suffering by using Scripture against her and disciplining her for fleeing her abuser. Jesus had a lot to say about these kinds of people too:

^“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! … You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell? Therefore I am sending you prophets and sages and teachers. Some of them you will kill and crucify; others you will flog in your synagogues and pursue from town to town. And so upon you will come all the righteous blood that has been shed on earth...” (Matthew 23:23-24, 34-36, NIV)

These words are incredibly harsh and frightening. Not only do these kinds of people persecute the righteous, but they risk going to hell.  

In the book, Fractured Covenants, the author shares much of her own story of abuse in her marriage and her church’s tragic, abusive response. While initially supportive, her two pastors chose to side with her husband and, despite acknowledging she was a victim, still demanded that she return to him. In a letter to her (after she had resigned her membership) in which they threaten church discipline they write, “Our first and greatest concern is that you chose to divorce…”. (This and subsequent quotes taken directly from the letter from the church pastors which you can read here.) Their first and greatest concern was not over the sin HE had committed towards her, it was not that SHE needed safety and healing…. It was that she was (apparently) sinning by divorcing this man who repeatedly and unrepentantly verbally, spiritually and emotionally abused her. Again, while the leaders acknowledge the abuse, they still somehow believed that she was the one “breaking (the) marriage covenant”. They claimed she didn’t “attempt to address his sins” or “didn’t want help or counsel”, (quote) which was not true – they had done counseling, she'd tried to get help about his problems but nothing changed. He wasn’t willing to change – that was the issue. Of course, he feigned sorrow and “repentance” to the pastors, but then he turned around and continued in his verbal abuse and antagonism towards her. This is completely typical of abusers. Yet the pastors, these “blind guides,” naively believed him over her – and subsequently sought to discipline her because she had “wandered from the truth” (quote). What “truth” is that exactly? How could she seek to “preserve the marriage” (quote) when her husband was the one breaking the marriage covenant? Is this what God intended when He created marriage? Is this the kind of leadership and ministry God calls pastors to? 

As for the church leaders who so sinned against her, God will judge them for downplaying and even condoning the sin of the men in their congregation and for shooting their own wounded. 

Brothers and sisters, we cannot tolerate, excuse or downplay abuse. It is sinful, demonic and damaging. It is a sin against the man to leave him in his sin, a sin against the woman to leave her in her suffering or hurt her further, and a sin against the local church and the church at large (in showing how we handle sin and oppression) and to Christ Himself. Proverbs says that, “He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous, both of them alike are an abomination to the LORD” (Prov 17:15) and Jesus Himself said, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matt. 7:2). Let us not be like the Pharisees, let us not imitate or follow those who value their interpretation of Scripture over the soul of one oppressed. Let us believe those who come to us with their stories of abuse and rescue them from the hands of the wicked.

You can read about the events in this particular case for yourself in Fractured Covenants and in THIS article on Marie's story.
  

For additional reading: Spiritual Abuse in Marriage 

Fractured Covenants (Book Review)

Where does a high-view of marriage lead you theologically and practically?

Marriage, after all, was created by God as a reflection of Himself and the Church. So what does your view of marriage say about God? And what does it say about the Church? If marriage is to be so esteemed, is divorce ever an option? These are some of the key questions that the author of Fractured Covenants deals with. More specifically, is marriage as God intended still a binding covenant even in cases of abuse? After all, “there is an enormous difference between a disappointing marriage, and a destructive one”. (All quotes in this post from Fractured Covenants unless otherwise indicated.) Scripture also has a lot to say on the value and protection of women. “Mosaic divorce allowance was given by God for humanitarian means – to protect women from cruelty.” It was permitted because of sin. God himself “divorced” his bride (Israel) for their adultery. In fact, does the Bible actually say, “God hates divorce”? I have heard this quoted many times in my life, and I was shocked to realize that that is NOT what the verse says! The author shows how the NIV here has an accurate translation of the Hebrew:

“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, 
“does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. - Mal 2:13

See here for explanation of the Hebrew.

God himself calls for husbands to love their wives “as their own body” and judges those who oppress and abuse others (see Isa. 10:1–4; 30:12–14; Jer. 6:6-8; 9:6–11). If marriage is a reflection of God, then both parties should mirror his love and grace (although imperfectly). But what happens when one party continually and unrepentantly does the exact opposite? What should the church’s response be to a woman (or man) abused by their spouse?

The author of Fractured Covenants does a fantastic job of exegeting scripture and showing us what God’s design for husbands and wives in marriage is. Furthermore, as a trained Biblical counselor and an abuse survivor herself she also writes about how we should respond when there is emotional or verbal abuse in a marriage.

There are Christian circles (many of them Reformed or solid theologically) that sadly ignore or downplay emotional (or otherwise non-physical) abuse in marriage. But this is not right. “Averting our eyes when one of our sisters is being abused, in any form, is not Christ-like.” Indeed not! But what exactly is emotional abuse? Examples include “verbal attacks, silent treatment, destructive criticism, manipulation, lying, threats, and withholding affection. These toxic relationships affect the victim’s ability to trust others and enjoy healthy relationships in the future.”

This book also uncovers the reasons many churches and pastors do not take abuse seriously and push for victims to return to their abusers. The issue of abuse is not one you can truly understand without either experiencing it yourself, walking alongside someone who has experienced it, or had very specific training about it. Too many churches and pastors are ignorant (or in plain denial) of the dark hidden aspects of abuse, and also unaware that abusers are very good at hiding their sin and appearing very godly. They are ignorant of the fact that an abuser cannot simply “repent” and suddenly be a great husband. Thinking someone can go from being abusive to a true godly person is incredibly naïve. Any professional counselor will tell you that men like this need intensive and long-term counseling to overcome their abusive tendencies. He is a liar and a slanderer and cannot be trusted until there is real remorse, repentance and true change of character. To pressure a woman to return to her abusive husband when they have not taken his sin seriously is wrong and damaging, not only to the woman herself, but also to the church at large.

In Ephesians 5:21, immediately prior to the verse where it says, “wives submit to your husbands,” commands, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. This is speaking to both husband and wife. Submission is not just for wives, both husbands and wives are to submit to one another. Certainly, for the wife this is more specifically commanded, but it should not be taken in isolation. In the book, the author describes what this means beautifully: “Biblical submission is an aspect of Christian liberty wherein we prefer others to ourselves. It’s an expression of Christian love, intended to glorify God in all that it chooses to do. It kindly and generously serves others, to provide for their comfort. It defers to others, it edifies them, and it blesses them according to their needs. It’s genuinely benevolent and seeks the welfare and best interests of others. It diligently pursues life, health, and dignity for others as well as oneself. Biblical submission, far from being a sanctified form of dictatorship, honors God as supreme and honors others as his creatures made in his image.” The author does a good job at showing how scripture makes it pretty clear that, “Men’s and women’s rights within the family are the same size – with each having equal rights to having their opinions and desires respected, as well as input into decision making and the right to live free from physical and verbal abuse.” Yes, wives are called to submit, but this doesn't mean she does not have a voice or can be ignored or abused.

Yet, sadly, as the author shows, there are churches, organizations and Christians that emphasize the command of wives submission over the command on husbands to love their wives as Christ and their own body. This is wrong, dangerous, and a misuse of Scripture. For that is NOT how God intended marriage to be. Indeed, “when a command for submission is wielded like a weapon, it is a sure sign that the follow-up verses on ‘loving [your] wife as Christ loved the Church’ are not being obeyed.” If a husband is choosing not to love his wife as God calls him to (verses 25-30), submitting to her out of love (verse 21) and honoring her as the weaker vessel (1 Peter 3:7), he is willfully breaking, and not honoring the marriage covenant. Furthermore, “Men who verbally abuse their wives are what the Bible calls ‘revilers’…. You can be a reviler, or you can be a Christian. You can’t be both.” According to 1 Cor. 5:11, the one who reviles, and slanders others is the one who is to be treated as an unbeliever.

How should the church deal with a marriage that is fractured by abuse? How should we respond to and counsel a man with this sin pattern? He needs to be confronted with his sin but, “the problem is that when abusers are confronted about their behavior, not only will they often lie outright to their pastors and/or counselors, they will spin events and hateful, hurtful statements they have made in such a way as to minimize or project blame onto the other party(ies).” And these kinds of people are usually such experts at manipulating the facts and seeming sincere that they nearly always fool everyone. The author recalls a personal instance and other victims’ accounts where this kind of cover-up occurred and their husbands even boasted about it to the wives later. Her own ex-husband even told her how he’d told the pastor he wanted her back. She was incredulous and said, “Why would you say that? You hate me! Did you tell him you loved me?” His response after laughing was, “it never came up.” “Inexperienced pastors, pre-disposed to believe the man’s side, often do nothing to help the woman – instead, they often side against her along with her husband.” The lack of seriousness of the abuser’s sin along with their emphasis on the woman’s responsibility for her husband’s treatment of them is not only unbiblical, it is sin. Yet, sometimes pastors add to the burden by pressuring the wives into returning to a man who they know has no intention of changing. Some Christians have even told women that they need to, “endure this suffering for Christ.” But “the real ‘truth’ that we display to the world by accepting abuse in a marriage is that God would have us suffer for someone else’s pleasure (not His). “When the marriage covenant has been broken through ongoing abuse, trust is shattered. Try as they might, well-meaning clergy cannot always put the pieces back together again, nor should the victim feel compelled to return when the situation has not changed.” It is fairly common knowledge that if someone was seriously sinned against – for example in sexual abuse or rape - you can forgive that person, but that doesn’t mean you continue in close contact with them. Restoration is very different from forgiveness. If someone purposely hurt your child, you would not let them anywhere near that child again until you were sure they had changed. Once again, even if they are “sorry,” sins like these are deep, ingrained patterns and the person is not to be trusted until there is assurance of true repentance. Yet wives with abusive husbands are told to go back and submit to him? Is this what God meant when He said, “Marriage is to be held in honor by all” (Heb 13:4)?

Furthermore, church leaders lead the rest of the Church and other Christians to also side against the abused woman and threaten her church discipline for divorcing her unrepentant husband. These women are, “shamed by the churches they trusted to protect them – all in the name of saving a marriage over a person.” Although Scripture does admonish us to, “Obey your leaders and submit to them,” (Heb 13:17) church leaders are human and sometimes wrong and this verse does not mean unconditional obedience. This pressure to return to her abuser and using spiritual authority to further coerce her to submit tragically adds spiritual abuse to her suffering. Spiritual abuse is using the Word of God or spiritual position to convince or manipulate another person into doing what you think they should do. Of course, most people don’t think they are manipulating or anything like that – they think they are “standing for truth” and doing what the Bible says. But even as Christians who value and love the Word of God we can sometimes have views and opinions that do not line up with the full counsel of God.

When a woman finds the courage to tell someone about the abuse she has been suffering, we need to validate her experience and not disregard it. If there is some reason to doubt her story, we can ask for more details and dig deeper, but it is extremely rare for someone to lie about ongoing abuse and they are often taking a big risk by speaking out. “The words ‘I believe you’ are incredibly empowering to an abused woman.” I recall two instances of three different friends telling me about their husbands and father. Both times I was shocked, as I knew two of three men in question, and couldn’t imagine these men being abusive in such ways. But I believed all of them – no questions asked. I learned more about the situations later which confirmed I was right to do so, but too often people assume that victims are at the very least exaggerating. But worse that not being believed, victims, instead of receiving help and support, receive judgment from other Christians. (In the book there are several examples given of this happening to completely innocent parties.) It is amazing how harsh and judgmental other Christians (who usually do not know the whole story) can be. Too often we assume someone who was divorced (especially if they seem to be initiating and wanting the divorce) was somehow to blame and holds at least some responsibility, yet it is not right for us to assume if we do not know. The author herself, lost friends, trust, respect from Christians who should have known better than to make assumptions and pass judgment. Most simply just wanted to trust the church leadership - and this is probably what is most tragic.

I personally know the author of this book. Marie O’Toole (formerly Notcheva) has been given grace to persevere and stay faithful to God despite the abuse from her husband and subsequent spiritual abuse from her church. I write more about her story and this topic in my follow-up post which I encourage you to read here. To my sorrow, other people I know personally did not believe her and/or valued the opinion of these church leaders over her. But Christians, we cannot condone sin. To shun a woman because she fled an abusive relationship and refused to go back and submit to her abuser is wrong and damaging, to the woman, the church and the name of Christ. Divorce is not always a sin, sometimes, it is the most godly thing a person can do.

Brethren, let us stop passing judgment until we have heard the whole story and searched the whole of Scripture. For Jesus Himself said, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matt. 7:2). Let us show mercy to those who are suffering, let us hold sinners accountable, let us rescue those in distress as Scripture calls us to: “Maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked” (Psalm 82:3-4).

For additional reading on this topic see the following articles:

God Hates Divorce? 

Sexual Abuse in Marriage

You can find all my posts on this topic HERE.
You can purchase Marie's book here.

Should Church Elders Be Obeyed Unconditionally?

Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep 

watch over you as those who must give an account. Do this so that their work will be 

a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no benefit to you.    

–  Hebrews 13:17

Over and over in Proverbs we are exhorted to pursue, value and gain wisdom. One way we do this is by seeking counsel from those more spiritually mature. One obvious example is church leadership. In the verse quote above we have a fairly clear exhortation in fact to obey and submit to our church leadership as having authority over us. But is this obedience and submission to be unconditional? What happens if these leaders are wrong? They are, after all, human and sinners too. In comparison, wives are also told to submit to their husbands, but does this mean unconditional obedience as well?

In all things: seek wisdom

While wisdom is often found in seeking godly counsel, first and foremost it is found in the whole counsel of Scripture - through prayer and the leading of the Holy Spirit. It is there that we are reminded that, ultimately, our head and authority is Christ, and after Him then we submit ourselves to others. Submission in marriage is done by wives submitting ultimately to Christ and loving and serving our husband first and foremost as their brother in Christ (not as a master). Indeed “headship” in marriage “is only true authority to the extent that a husband is faithful to Jesus, so that he is not a ‘head’ by virtue of simply being a husband” (from the book Fractured Covenants). The same applies to church leaders. One does not automatically deserve unconditional respect and obedience simply because of the office he holds. I respect the office of the President of the United States. This does not mean I automatically respect the person holding that office or would do whatever he told me.

I will share a personal example… A number of years ago I attended a Bible/discipleship school for a semester and while there applied for an internship with a sister-ministry that was literally my “dream job”. I did not at all expect to get accepted so when I did, it appeared to be a pretty clear calling as it was a wonderful fit for my gifts and passions and I had a deep respect for the ministry, its founders, and team members. However, the pastors/elders at my then home church had some theological and personal disagreements with the school I was at and “strongly urged” me to stay home. I was confused. While I could see their reasons for concern, I did not have the same concerns about the certain points of doctrine (and at least one I disagreed with completely) and did not consider these reasons to be “reason enough” for me to not go. But I wrestled with the text above. Shouldn’t I listen to and submit to my church elders? I deeply desired to be obedient to God and submit my desires to the Lord. I responded to the elders and said that despite the fact that I disagreed with them I was willing to submit to their leadership. One thing was still holding me back, however, and that was that I hadn’t yet been able to discuss the issue with my parents as they had gone out of the country. Immediately after I sent that response, I was filled with a strong conviction that I was supposed to go. I went to my parents as soon as they returned home, told them everything and that I strongly believed I was supposed to go. They were in complete agreement and wrote my elders telling them that I was going to go with their blessing. They weren’t too happy about this, but respected my parent's authority. There did however continue to be some pressure until my parents basically told them that they were done discussing it. I interned with this wonderful ministry for 2.5 years and several years later I have no regrets, still believe I did the right thing and greatly value the time that I spent serving with this ministry. The elders at that church are wonderful people; they love the Lord and have had positive influence in my life. I learned a lot from them and I am grateful for their concern for my spiritual life. But just because someone is a church leader, or someone in spiritual authority, or even someone you respect does not mean they are always right and should be unconditionally obeyed.  

If church leaders ever demand complete and unconditional submission/obedience they are spiritually abusing their position and hurting the very people God gave them to care for and protect. Similarly, if they use their position in spiritual leadership to convince someone to submit to them on an issue that is not clear in Scripture (example: they say something like “as your pastor/elder I urge you to submit to us”) that is also dangerous. If something is not clear in Scripture all you can do is advise. You cannot “urge”. (I tend to think that this is sometimes a way of avoiding the word “command”. They are not really “commanding” you, and so they justify their pressure on you.)

You can also get Scripture to mean anything if you utilize it the right way. It’s important to remember that just because someone can quote Scripture to you does not mean that it is a right interpretation or application. If it seems like Scripture is being used as a weapon in order to convince you to submit, be wary! This is not Biblical submission.

In all things: seek Wisdom

As you are facing decisions in your life, by ALL MEANS talk to your church leaders and seek their counsel. But Pray. Seek the counsel of other people you respect and trust. Pray. Read and meditate on the Word. Did I mention pray? Above all, pray and seek the Person of Wisdom. Then, do what you believe is the right thing to do. As you seek to submit yourself to God, He promises to guide you and you can trust that He’s got you and will work everything out.

Book Review: DEPRESSION: Looking up in the Stubborn Darkness (by Ed Welch)

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression you need to read this book!!!! Having experienced some depression myself I found the book to be very accurate, filled with great reminders and so much hope! Depression is always “profoundly spiritual”, but that doesn’t mean there’s a spiritual cause.  “Depression is a form of suffering that can’t be reduced to one universal cause. This means that family and friends can’t rush in armed with THE answer. Instead, they must be willing to postpone… and take time to know the depressed person and work together with him or her. What we do know is that depression is painful, and, if you have never experienced it, hard to understand.”¹ If you have never really experienced depression, please be very careful how you respond to someone suffering with it; although you may have good intentions and give them truth you are likely to end up hurting them more. Be there for them, listen and love them. Regardless of the cause, depression “is a time to answer the deepest and most important questions: Whom will I trust? Whom will I worship?” God is at work in us to change us, but “deep change is rarely a matter of knowledge. It is a matter of repentance.” Depression doesn’t always mean that we have sinned, but we usually sin in the process by turning away from God. As we become aware of this He will not only change us through the depression, He will change us at the deepest level of our heart.

“God is over all things, and nothing happens apart from his knowledge and will. By the time suffering or depression comes to our doorstep, God did it. To believe anything else is to opt for a universe that is random and out of control, without a guiding hand bringing all things to a purposeful and awe-inspiring conclusion.” This of course may lead one to question God’s goodness, but God’s sovereignty and His goodness are not contradictory. The cross demonstrates this.  “The truth is that you belong to God and you have a God-given purpose. Furthermore, the cross of Christ reveals that God’s purposes for your life are good.” In Christ we are empowered to resist temptation and sin and turn to God, no matter what. So depression is something you must do battle with and fight – for it will seek to turn your heart away from God. Turning inward feels good and feels safe, but the truth is that it is oppressive – we were not meant to function that way and cannot for very long. We must be willing to look outside ourselves and to persevere even though it’s difficult. Paul writes that we can “glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us” (Romans 5:3-5).

“If you are willing to be trained by in, expect depression to be a good teacher. That doesn’t mean that you should seek it out… But most people who are willing to be taught by suffering look back and are grateful.” I have found this to be true to my own experience. As difficult as suffering is, I am richer for it. “There are ways that you will know Jesus in your suffering that are unique and profound.” Expect to learn, expect God to use you to minister to someone else who is suffering. But always remember that this affliction is “light and momentary” compared to the glories of Heaven that await us. There is hope, but not just for the future, for right now. God gives enough grace to endure what is before you. Your pain may not disappear, but it can be alleviated as you hold on to hope and believe that Jesus is greater than your experience. “On this side of heaven we walk by faith and don’t have all the answers we would like. But there is reason to believe that you will find certain hopes fulfilled even on this side of paradise.” The question is, where is your hope? Often depression is the result of our hopes having been somewhere else and being disappointed. As hard as it is, we must humble ourselves, turn to God and cry out to Him. We must read Scripture (force-feed if necessary) and seek fellowship. God has a story, and our goal should be to accept it. We tend to make our stories about our pain and suffering rather than about Jesus and His mission. The way out of depression is to look up to God, to look forward to eternity, and to trust that God is bigger than your suffering and has a good purpose for it. Talk to God, voice to Him your struggles and confess the sin that is there. Ask Him for help and for comfort. He will give it! He promises to heal the brokenhearted (Ps. 147:3) and to come through for us. I have two quotes on a bulletin board that I made, they are this: “Hope thou in God” (from Ps. 42) and “He is for me” (from Romans 8). Both of these are great reminders that all of us need at various times in our lives.

Depression makes us sad, makes us lose interest in life. But suffering, no matter how great, cannot rob us of joy. We lose joy when we turn our eyes from God to our suffering. What is joy? “Joy takes our attention off ourselves and places it on God.” Learning to choose gratitude and be thankful in times of sadness is challenging, but again, the way out of depression is looking outside yourself to God. “Thanksgiving is gratitude for a benefit we have received. Joy includes gratitude, but its true delight is in the beauty of God and the deep goodness in all the things that come from him.” Remember that “Joy is not the opposite of suffering” – but it can be present in the midst of it. Be willing to choose gratitude and look for joy.

This really was a valuable book – and greatly needed. Many people struggle with depression, and many others do not understand it and therefore cannot be much help. Ed ends the book with some practical things – things that have helped or have not helped those who were depressed and some specific strategies to try. I hope it will be helpful to someone here!

¹ All quotations in this post are taken from this book, but from my kindle edition so I don't have page numbers.