Fractured Covenants (Book Review)

Where does a high-view of marriage lead you theologically and practically?

Marriage, after all, was created by God as a reflection of Himself and the Church. So what does your view of marriage say about God? And what does it say about the Church? If marriage is to be so esteemed, is divorce ever an option? These are some of the key questions that the author of Fractured Covenants deals with. More specifically, is marriage as God intended still a binding covenant even in cases of abuse? After all, “there is an enormous difference between a disappointing marriage, and a destructive one”. (All quotes in this post from Fractured Covenants unless otherwise indicated.) Scripture also has a lot to say on the value and protection of women. “Mosaic divorce allowance was given by God for humanitarian means – to protect women from cruelty.” It was permitted because of sin. God himself “divorced” his bride (Israel) for their adultery. In fact, does the Bible actually say, “God hates divorce”? I have heard this quoted many times in my life, and I was shocked to realize that that is NOT what the verse says! The author shows how the NIV here has an accurate translation of the Hebrew:

“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, 
“does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. - Mal 2:13

See here for explanation of the Hebrew.

God himself calls for husbands to love their wives “as their own body” and judges those who oppress and abuse others (see Isa. 10:1–4; 30:12–14; Jer. 6:6-8; 9:6–11). If marriage is a reflection of God, then both parties should mirror his love and grace (although imperfectly). But what happens when one party continually and unrepentantly does the exact opposite? What should the church’s response be to a woman (or man) abused by their spouse?

The author of Fractured Covenants does a fantastic job of exegeting scripture and showing us what God’s design for husbands and wives in marriage is. Furthermore, as a trained Biblical counselor and an abuse survivor herself she also writes about how we should respond when there is emotional or verbal abuse in a marriage.

There are Christian circles (many of them Reformed or solid theologically) that sadly ignore or downplay emotional (or otherwise non-physical) abuse in marriage. But this is not right. “Averting our eyes when one of our sisters is being abused, in any form, is not Christ-like.” Indeed not! But what exactly is emotional abuse? Examples include “verbal attacks, silent treatment, destructive criticism, manipulation, lying, threats, and withholding affection. These toxic relationships affect the victim’s ability to trust others and enjoy healthy relationships in the future.”

This book also uncovers the reasons many churches and pastors do not take abuse seriously and push for victims to return to their abusers. The issue of abuse is not one you can truly understand without either experiencing it yourself, walking alongside someone who has experienced it, or had very specific training about it. Too many churches and pastors are ignorant (or in plain denial) of the dark hidden aspects of abuse, and also unaware that abusers are very good at hiding their sin and appearing very godly. They are ignorant of the fact that an abuser cannot simply “repent” and suddenly be a great husband. Thinking someone can go from being abusive to a true godly person is incredibly naïve. Any professional counselor will tell you that men like this need intensive and long-term counseling to overcome their abusive tendencies. He is a liar and a slanderer and cannot be trusted until there is real remorse, repentance and true change of character. To pressure a woman to return to her abusive husband when they have not taken his sin seriously is wrong and damaging, not only to the woman herself, but also to the church at large.

In Ephesians 5:21, immediately prior to the verse where it says, “wives submit to your husbands,” commands, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. This is speaking to both husband and wife. Submission is not just for wives, both husbands and wives are to submit to one another. Certainly, for the wife this is more specifically commanded, but it should not be taken in isolation. In the book, the author describes what this means beautifully: “Biblical submission is an aspect of Christian liberty wherein we prefer others to ourselves. It’s an expression of Christian love, intended to glorify God in all that it chooses to do. It kindly and generously serves others, to provide for their comfort. It defers to others, it edifies them, and it blesses them according to their needs. It’s genuinely benevolent and seeks the welfare and best interests of others. It diligently pursues life, health, and dignity for others as well as oneself. Biblical submission, far from being a sanctified form of dictatorship, honors God as supreme and honors others as his creatures made in his image.” The author does a good job at showing how scripture makes it pretty clear that, “Men’s and women’s rights within the family are the same size – with each having equal rights to having their opinions and desires respected, as well as input into decision making and the right to live free from physical and verbal abuse.” Yes, wives are called to submit, but this doesn't mean she does not have a voice or can be ignored or abused.

Yet, sadly, as the author shows, there are churches, organizations and Christians that emphasize the command of wives submission over the command on husbands to love their wives as Christ and their own body. This is wrong, dangerous, and a misuse of Scripture. For that is NOT how God intended marriage to be. Indeed, “when a command for submission is wielded like a weapon, it is a sure sign that the follow-up verses on ‘loving [your] wife as Christ loved the Church’ are not being obeyed.” If a husband is choosing not to love his wife as God calls him to (verses 25-30), submitting to her out of love (verse 21) and honoring her as the weaker vessel (1 Peter 3:7), he is willfully breaking, and not honoring the marriage covenant. Furthermore, “Men who verbally abuse their wives are what the Bible calls ‘revilers’…. You can be a reviler, or you can be a Christian. You can’t be both.” According to 1 Cor. 5:11, the one who reviles, and slanders others is the one who is to be treated as an unbeliever.

How should the church deal with a marriage that is fractured by abuse? How should we respond to and counsel a man with this sin pattern? He needs to be confronted with his sin but, “the problem is that when abusers are confronted about their behavior, not only will they often lie outright to their pastors and/or counselors, they will spin events and hateful, hurtful statements they have made in such a way as to minimize or project blame onto the other party(ies).” And these kinds of people are usually such experts at manipulating the facts and seeming sincere that they nearly always fool everyone. The author recalls a personal instance and other victims’ accounts where this kind of cover-up occurred and their husbands even boasted about it to the wives later. Her own ex-husband even told her how he’d told the pastor he wanted her back. She was incredulous and said, “Why would you say that? You hate me! Did you tell him you loved me?” His response after laughing was, “it never came up.” “Inexperienced pastors, pre-disposed to believe the man’s side, often do nothing to help the woman – instead, they often side against her along with her husband.” The lack of seriousness of the abuser’s sin along with their emphasis on the woman’s responsibility for her husband’s treatment of them is not only unbiblical, it is sin. Yet, sometimes pastors add to the burden by pressuring the wives into returning to a man who they know has no intention of changing. Some Christians have even told women that they need to, “endure this suffering for Christ.” But “the real ‘truth’ that we display to the world by accepting abuse in a marriage is that God would have us suffer for someone else’s pleasure (not His). “When the marriage covenant has been broken through ongoing abuse, trust is shattered. Try as they might, well-meaning clergy cannot always put the pieces back together again, nor should the victim feel compelled to return when the situation has not changed.” It is fairly common knowledge that if someone was seriously sinned against – for example in sexual abuse or rape - you can forgive that person, but that doesn’t mean you continue in close contact with them. Restoration is very different from forgiveness. If someone purposely hurt your child, you would not let them anywhere near that child again until you were sure they had changed. Once again, even if they are “sorry,” sins like these are deep, ingrained patterns and the person is not to be trusted until there is assurance of true repentance. Yet wives with abusive husbands are told to go back and submit to him? Is this what God meant when He said, “Marriage is to be held in honor by all” (Heb 13:4)?

Furthermore, church leaders lead the rest of the Church and other Christians to also side against the abused woman and threaten her church discipline for divorcing her unrepentant husband. These women are, “shamed by the churches they trusted to protect them – all in the name of saving a marriage over a person.” Although Scripture does admonish us to, “Obey your leaders and submit to them,” (Heb 13:17) church leaders are human and sometimes wrong and this verse does not mean unconditional obedience. This pressure to return to her abuser and using spiritual authority to further coerce her to submit tragically adds spiritual abuse to her suffering. Spiritual abuse is using the Word of God or spiritual position to convince or manipulate another person into doing what you think they should do. Of course, most people don’t think they are manipulating or anything like that – they think they are “standing for truth” and doing what the Bible says. But even as Christians who value and love the Word of God we can sometimes have views and opinions that do not line up with the full counsel of God.

When a woman finds the courage to tell someone about the abuse she has been suffering, we need to validate her experience and not disregard it. If there is some reason to doubt her story, we can ask for more details and dig deeper, but it is extremely rare for someone to lie about ongoing abuse and they are often taking a big risk by speaking out. “The words ‘I believe you’ are incredibly empowering to an abused woman.” I recall two instances of three different friends telling me about their husbands and father. Both times I was shocked, as I knew two of three men in question, and couldn’t imagine these men being abusive in such ways. But I believed all of them – no questions asked. I learned more about the situations later which confirmed I was right to do so, but too often people assume that victims are at the very least exaggerating. But worse that not being believed, victims, instead of receiving help and support, receive judgment from other Christians. (In the book there are several examples given of this happening to completely innocent parties.) It is amazing how harsh and judgmental other Christians (who usually do not know the whole story) can be. Too often we assume someone who was divorced (especially if they seem to be initiating and wanting the divorce) was somehow to blame and holds at least some responsibility, yet it is not right for us to assume if we do not know. The author herself, lost friends, trust, respect from Christians who should have known better than to make assumptions and pass judgment. Most simply just wanted to trust the church leadership - and this is probably what is most tragic.

I personally know the author of this book. Marie O’Toole (formerly Notcheva) has been given grace to persevere and stay faithful to God despite the abuse from her husband and subsequent spiritual abuse from her church. I write more about her story and this topic in my follow-up post which I encourage you to read here. To my sorrow, other people I know personally did not believe her and/or valued the opinion of these church leaders over her. But Christians, we cannot condone sin. To shun a woman because she fled an abusive relationship and refused to go back and submit to her abuser is wrong and damaging, to the woman, the church and the name of Christ. Divorce is not always a sin, sometimes, it is the most godly thing a person can do.

Brethren, let us stop passing judgment until we have heard the whole story and searched the whole of Scripture. For Jesus Himself said, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matt. 7:2). Let us show mercy to those who are suffering, let us hold sinners accountable, let us rescue those in distress as Scripture calls us to: “Maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked” (Psalm 82:3-4).

For additional reading on this topic see the following articles:

God Hates Divorce? 

Sexual Abuse in Marriage

You can find all my posts on this topic HERE.
You can purchase Marie's book here.