"Being Elisabeth Elliot" by Ellen Vaughn - BOOK REVIEW

I finally got to reading this book! If Ellen Vaughn’s first book (“Becoming Elisabeth Elliot” which tells the first half of Elisabeth's life) was excellent, than this second part was something far beyond that. It was really hard to put down…. I for sure lost some sleep this past week being up reading. And I wept at the end. (I had a good idea/spoilers of the ending ahead of time, but still, I wept.)  I should also add that the only disappointing aspect of this 2-part biography was there were NO PICTURES! (If you'd like some, and a timeline of her life, here's a great resource: https://elisabethelliot.org/about/timeline/)

 

I so appreciate how Ellen wrote this book. Like Ellen, I am a realist. Like her and Elisabeth I know that those we admire should never be put on pedestals as (near) perfect saints. Like her and Elisabeth, I want the whole truth to be spoken, regardless of other people’s opinions/reactions. And Ellen modeled, “speaking the truth in love”.... although I know I could grow in that particular aspect - I am probably more like Elisabeth in that regard.

 

I left the reading of this book with two emotions. One was utter sadness at the ending of Elisabeth’s life and the wrong/hard last years she suffered… largely because her views on marriage/submission were rather sadly twisted (which caused her and many she advised harm). My heart broke so for her (and her daughter/family members who had to watch) as it does for other women stuck in similar controlling marriages (this is a passionate area for me, one I’ve written about and continue to speak out about). While submission is one aspect of marriage, while someone making you “feel like a woman” is great, there is so much more to what God’s design is. Elisabeth desperately wanted to feel secure, she missed the signs of Lars’ anger/control issues (although to give her some credit, so did everyone else around her), and she believed that a wife’s submission meant inferiority and being under a husband’s authority (which I agree Jim’s unintentional but unfortunate treatment of her during their early courtship contributed to - see the first book for more on that). Marriage was not intended by God to be authoritarian, even though because of sin, it often ended up that way. Marriage, as in Ephesians 5, is mutual submission, it is not one-sided, even though the wives’ submission is emphasized, and the husband's responsibility to love is emphasized. It is supposed to be mutual love, respect, submission, Christ-like giving, working together for the kingdom of God. Elisabeth, for her part, tried to do just that. But unfortunately, she married a man who actually wanted to control her, not love her like Christ. There are still abusive, controlling men (and women) in churches today. There are popular pastors teaching authority/submission imbalance in marriage, overlooking and even defending abusive behavior (even actual abuse that should be reported to the police), all the while teaching on “God’s grace” and “love for others”. If Elisabeth’s third marriage saddens and rather makes you angry that’s good… but pay attention to the fact that it’s still happening all around us. I should clarify here that I am a committed "soft" complementarian... I cannot reconcile the Egalitarian views on gender/marriage with Scripture. However, many "complementarians" are actually authoritarians or defenders of "Biblical patriarchy" so it's very important that we are careful and clear about what we mean in this area. For more reading on this topic, I highly recommend THIS series.

 

The other emotion I was left with after reading this book was still, a very great admiration. Elisabeth was human, she made mistakes… but still, I came away admiring her faith, her endurance through so much suffering, her commitment to what she believed, her willingness to “tell it like it is”. She spoke out about many things and was indeed rather a “seer” in her generation. Despite being married to a controlling false believer for the last period of her life, God used this season for her to write most of her books and influence thousands for Christ. Our suffering is never for nothing, and despite our/others' sin, God uses us. 

 

Elisabeth was a faithful servant of God who persevered to the end… I seek to learn from her, follow her example in some ways and to do better in other ways, and earnestly praise God for the good He did in and through her life. 

 

My Response to Why I Warn Against the Wilsons

 A friend of mine recently asked me why I didn't like Rachel Jankovic (author and daughter of Pastor Doug Wilson) and thought she was a hypocrite. Here is my response. (I will probably add to this as time goes on and I have more time to write more specific things.)

So my primary concern with Rachel is her affiliation and similar teaching/theology as her father (thus this post is about "the Wilson's"). I have done extensive digging into his theology, character, and handing of church/other matters and would put him in the category of a false teacher. There are too many serious concerns to not to. I believe his teaching to be dangerous. In fact, I consider Doug Wilson a dangerous false teacher and an abusive narcissist. So, while I will admit I have not thoroughly examined Rachel's writing/speaking very specifically, as she and her father work together and teach/hold to the same things I haven’t felt it was necessary to spend the time to do that. 

 

As for their hypocrisy... a hypocrite is someone who says one thing and does another. If someone claims to be an orthodox, Biblical teacher, but teaches things that are opposed to, even offensive to the truths of Orthodox Christianity, than umm yeah that makes them a hypocrite. So the real issue here is whether or not what the Wilson's teach is consistent with Scripture and Orthodox Christianity.

 

I will below list my main areas of concern with the Wilson's (and by this I mean Doug Wilson, his family or really anyone associated with him). Please note I don’t necessarily agree with everything his critics say or believe themselves, but when it comes to the topic(s) at hand, I believe they are absolutely right in their critique and concerns. Those who have gleaned good things from the Wilson's may think they are just throwing stones, but most of them have tried very hard to be fair in their critiques and concerns. Some of these are or seem small, but small things add up as well. Small flaws in character add up to bigger ones. The more small things I saw, the more I slowly became concerned. It will take some time for you to get through all this…. It was several months of me listening, reading and researching to come to the convictions I have now.

 

Doug Wilson’s questionable (heretical?) theology: It is important to say that a lot of what the Wilson's say, *seems* orthodox and right, and a lot of it IS orthodox. However, their false doctrine/teaching is extremely sneaky and subtle. I will share a lot of what others have written/said since they have done more extensive work and say it better than I could.

 

His view of Justification This is one of the biggest and most serious concerns. I really don’t have time to write out a whole explanation and argument, plus the two below do it very well:

https://theocast.org/is-doug-wilson-a-false-teacher/

https://thelondonlyceum.com/on-justification-doug-wilson-and-the-moscow-doctrine/

 

On Federal Vision: This is rather complex, but to summarize for you, Wilson says he’s Reformed, but the views he holds on the Covenants and on justification do not line up with traditional/orthodox Reformed theology. A lot of Reformed people outside his camp have serious concerns with views on this (and obviously Arminians would strongly disagree with him in this area of theology as well).  https://carm.org/about-theology/what-is-federal-vision-theology-and-is-it-biblical/

 

(P.S. Doug Wilson has claimed he no longer holds to “Federal Vision” however, it is very important to note that he has NOT rejected the theology that Federal Vision holds to - and that is the problem. In other words, he’s rejecting the label but keeping the theology. Tricksy… and completely hypocritical.)

 

Views on men’s/women’s roles:  The more I have read/heard from the Wilson's on this topic, the more I have been seriously concerned - and downright disgusted. The extreme patriarchy is very subtle at times, but I would assert is NOT in line with Biblical complementarianism. Again, they say a lot of things thare are actually right or at least *seem* right, but digging deeper I have often seen some red flags and have thoughts like “ehhh I’m not sure that’s quite right/balanced”. And on further study, I've found their view to not be in line with Scripture. As Rachel has written more about the area of womenhood it's important to address her specifically here. But as she is collusion with her father, I cannot freely trust her view on being a Biblical woman/wife/mother. While I have seen she does have many good and right things to say, there are also some huge concerns and wrong theology... At best, I would have to give too many cautions to feel I could recommend her to anyone. 

 Here's an article documenting the abusive teaching on a wife's obligation to submit to rape: https://www.vice.com/en/article/inside-the-church-that-preaches-wives-need-to-be-led-with-a-firm-hand/

Here is something from Rachel's own mouth... she's being grossly mistreated/controlled and doesn't even see it... seriously? What Christ-like husband would treat his brand new wife like this???: https://www.facebook.com/ExaminingMoscow/videos/346749201336488 

And while we're at it, here's another video from Rachel with a rather shocking condemning and hypocritical attitude. Other's "know for absolute certain?" You're a woman, you can't do anything right - that is the main message I've gotten from Rachel.  https://www.facebook.com/ExaminingMoscow/videos/1920306348165019

And one more for you: 

I can also talk about Nancy Wilson and her parenting advice.... you can watch clips of her "Biblical parenting advice" here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75lZfjq_GWg  The whole Wilson family also appears in this video - notice the gaslighting from several of them - Dean (the host/critic) is really good at pointing out the red flags you should notice. (P.S This is very similar to the Pearl's borderline(at best?) abusive parenting advice - STAY AWAY! P.S.S. I am not at all anti-spanking, I think it can be fine done correctly, but it can very easily be done wrongly.)

I will add here that I have personal experience of having to submit to and respect a husband who was in the wrong - who was going the wrong direction theologically - it was hard, I had to learn and grow a lot in my obedience to God in my submission and attitude towards my husband, however, my complementarianism/beliefs about submission are NOT the same as the Wilson's. I would absolutely not put them in the same category.  

I have seen too many quotes and heard things Doug Wilson himself has said that are downright demeaning to women and completely unbiblical. Here’s an example: It might just be a woman's fault if she gets raped.... “But women who genuinely insist on ‘no masculine protection’ are really women who tacitly agree on the propriety of rape.” (Douglas Wilson, Her Hand in Marriage, p. 13) (And no, I’m not taking this out of context, you can read more in articles I’ve shared).

 

Here’s some people who have written about concerns in this area:

https://fullmetalpatriarchy.wordpress.com/category/doug-wilson/

https://mereorthodoxy.com/sex-submission-and-evangelicals-doug-wilson-controversial-words

https://spiritualsoundingboard.com/2016/01/15/pastor-doug-wilson-on-rape-submission-feminists-and-boobs/

 

Doug Wilson/Christ’s church handing of sexual sin and sexual abuse:

This is another HUGE concern. I'm not sure there is another area of all of life that makes me more angry than the ignoring/injustice of abuse in "Christian" environments. If I were to curse like Doug Wilson and his crew does, this is where I'd do it. Not only do the above patriarch views allow for this kind of thing to flourish, there continues to be very little accountability or serious concern for protecting others and dealing with abusers appropriately. There has been NO admission of “hey maybe we got this wrong” only defensive tactics. I have looked into this probably the most extensively - I have listened to the victims and others who witnessed the situation(s), read reports, the actual court cases, etc.

You can find more information about the abuse cases at this link (which also provides links to actual court cases): https://bredenhof.ca/2023/07/10/doug-wilson-the-ugly/

 

Another article on this issue:

https://religiondispatches.org/sexual-abuse-is-inevitable-in-christian-patriarchy-just-take-a-look-at-doug-wilsons-christ-church-and-its-new-documentary-eve-in-exile-the-restoration-of-femininity/

 

Other personal/character concerns:

His crude language and sexualized content. This is mentioned in several of the resources I’ve shared, but worth stating again. Much of it is downright disgusting and inappropriate for a Christian. I have directly read and personally listened to SO many crude things, and swear words (F-word, s-word, d-word and so much more) from Doug Wilson and from others who work closely with him. I will not link any videos or proof of this one but it's easy to find. They literally throw these words around the same as an unbeliever would. Is this really the kind of people you want to recommend to others?

 

Also, when he first was trying to become pastor of his current church, the elders didn’t think he conformed to their statement of faith (mainly having to do with his view of justification above). They asked him to either conform or step down. Instead, he mobilized church members to support him and basically forced the other elders to resign/leave and took over the leadership of the church. It was a forcible power struggle that he won. This is not an appropriate way to be any kind of respectable leader and I consider this a very bad indication of his character - but it lines up with other control issues that are reported. (This whole thing is common knowledge and a number of people have written about it - it’s mentioned in several of the resources I shared.) The main reason Wilson formed his own denomination is that none of the other main (Presbyterian Church of America is where he first tried to join) denominations would accept him. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with starting your own denomination, but if it’s because you can’t find a single one you could at least be acceptable in - that indicates a problem. Not to mention I'm pretty sure he's just a narcissist who wants to be in complete control.

 

 

Other resources:

I would recommend checking out this facebook page (they are also on Instagram) - I wouldn’t agree with all their angles or everything they say, but they bring to light a lot of what I mentioned above and a lot of provide evidence in videos, quotes, documents, etc. https://www.facebook.com/ExaminingMoscow

 

This is written by a unitarian, so obviously there are some things in there we wouldn’t agree with him on, however he tries to be fairly fair and goes through some of the other things mentioned above as well as some I didn’t take the time to mention (i.e. Doug Wilson’s controlling nature, sloppy writing and references in writing, his view on slavery in America, his extreme patriarchy, extreme political views, etc. - all of which I would agree are concerning).

https://www.webpages.uidaho.edu/ngier/wilsonempire.htm

 

 

In closing, so yes, I absolutely warn against the Wilson's, and anyone associated with them. If you're not convinced yet, take the time to listen to/read through the links provided.

Book Review: Unholy Charade by Jeff Crippen

“Discernment is not simply a matter of telling the difference between what is right

and wrong; rather it is the difference between right and almost right.” -Charles Spurgeon

 

Incorrect interpretations of Scripture, no matter what Christian theologian may 

speak them, need to be treated as what they are:  false teaching. 

Poor interpretation must be corrected if we want to hold Scripture high. (-me)

 

Jeff Crippen (pastor, advocate and writer at https://unholycharade.com/) has written this very educational book on domestic abuse in the church. With the experience of nearly hundreds of interaction with victims (and abusers), Jeff reveals the Church-at-large’s arrogant ignorance of abusers and their damage to their family members all while wearing an effective mask of Christianity. He quotes extensively from victims (and some notable church leaders) proving the church-at-large’s weakness in this area to understand and help.

 

The Church (and I speak of the Church-at-large) does not take abuse in the church seriously. One reason is because we don’t want to believe there actually ARE wolves in our midst. Surely, not in OUR church. Surely, not THAT “nice” man who teaches Sunday School! But most people are also woefully ignorant of the nature of abusers – that they are people without conscience and extremely skilled at deceiving others. While I’m sure most of us have seen some news stories of a charming man who ruthlessly murdered his wife (or others), we don’t think (or want to think) that this kind of man could be part of our church – or even be in leadership! But the truth is that Jesus himself warned that this WOULD happen:

 

“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire…” (Matt 7:15-23)

 

Churches are also deceived by false repentance. We think that if someone SAYS they’re repentant and ACTS like it in the moment that they must be genuine. But the truth is that repentance is only really known by one thing: Fruit. And fruit takes time. It is false teaching to take the word of an abuser’s “repentance” and just expect the victim to “forgive and forget”. It is dangerous to rush reconciliation before we see evidence of true repentance. We not only may risk the physical life of the victim, but even more so, we put their emotional and spiritual health at risk.

 

Too many churches are also more concerned about their reputations than about dealing with situation. Abuse in the church looks bad, it’s far easier to just tell the victim to “submit more” “forgive and love him anyway” than actually help and deal with the sin of the abuser. Part of this is ignorance, but it’s a willful ignorance where they ignore the pleas for help and ignore the lack of repentance-fruit. I personally know several churches who were (or still are) either deceived or flat-out denied/ignored the plight of the victim, siding with the abuser and excommunicating the victim when she finally fled. Even when the elders were confronted with proof of abuse they have refused to apologize for the injustice they’d given. Instead of helping they tell her to submit in ways that she was NOT commanded by God to do, and to suffer unjustly. This is the total opposite of what church leaders are supposed to do. I have said elsewhere that those that don't deal with abusers are like the pharisees, here's what Jesus said about them:

 

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth 

of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters 

of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, 

without neglecting the former.” (Matt 23:23) You “pile heavy burdens on people's 

shoulders and won't lift a finger to help”. (Matt 23:4)

 

Christians can also idolize marriage so that their focus becomes on “preserving the marriage” rather than seriously dealing with the sin and protecting the victim. They do not understand that in their desire to “preserve marriage” they are actually degrading marriage by continuing to validating it when the vows have been broken (and continue to be broken with no true repentance). Many Christians also have a false interpretation of Malachi 2:16 that is so often quoted as “God hates divorce”. This is a completely inaccurate translation. This inaccuracy is prevalent despite the accurateness of the ESV says: “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the LORD, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the LORD of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.” Hating his wife and being “faithless” is exactly what an abuser is. This isn't saying he should divorce (or that she shouldn't divorce him). Even if he does not pursue divorce (usually an abuser does not as he wants to stay in control of his victim, plus that would make him look bad) he has broken the marriage vows to “love and protect” his wife. THIS is what it means to have a high view of marriage. While no one will love their spouse perfectly, the idea is that there is a genuine desire to love and do good to their spouse. Abusers do not have this, and over time the true of any “repentance” should be very clear – if we are paying attention.

 

Jeff gives lots of practical instruction on how to spot abuse, how to recognize an abuser, questions to ask to help you see through any façade, ways to help the victim, how to know if divorce is Biblical, and more. This book is a must-read for Christians, especially those in leadership who are called to shepherd Christ’s flock.  To ignore abuse is to ignore justice and mercy just as the Pharisees did.

 

“Silence in the face of evil is itself evil.” – Detrick Bonhoeffer

 

 

May we repent of our blindness and arrogant ignorance in dealing with abuse victims within our walls. May we deal rightly with the sin of abuse, and not allow the victimization of others. May we set free the oppressed and show true justice to the sinner and the victim.

 

“Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause

of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow.” (Isa 1:17)

“Do not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great,

but judge your neighbor fairly.” (Lev 19:15)

 

Some excerpts from the book: 

 

Buy the book here: https://www.amazon.com/Unholy-Charade-Unmasking-Domestic-Abuser/dp/0692533222

Abusers and the Pharisees Who Enable Them

(This post is a follow-up to this post. Readers are advised to read that one first.)

“My zeal consumes me, because my foes forget your words.” (Ps. 119:139, ESV)

The Pharisees in the Gospels are not portrayed in a favorable light. Over and over Jesus warns his followers to not imitate them. They were proud, self-righteous, didn’t practice what they preached and focused on their own interpretation of the law rather than what God intended. No Christian wants to find out they are like the Pharisees. I tread on rather dangerous ground even hinting that this could happen, but to not do so, I believe would be pharisaical itself.  

I read a book some time ago called Accidental Pharisees (you can read my summary of it here). This is a fantastic book but not an easy read as it reminded me that all of us have same tendencies and sin-inclinations that the pharisees had and that it is deceptively easy to slide into self-righteousness and pride. (Lord, may this not be me right now!)

We have a problem in the church today. When confronted with abuse, churches are not handling it in godly, Biblical ways but rather in ways that fit with their pre-disposed ideas. With abusive marriages particularly, often church leaders value the marriage over the individual people. As a result, they minimize the abuser’s behavior, believe him over her and even shift the focus and blame on the victim for wanting out of the marriage. This type of thinking and action is seen fairly often in patriarchal churches that hold to an unbalance of power in marriage, for, “When taken to their logical conclusion, the teachings of patriarchal authoritarianism groom men to become dictators, and condition women to accept abuse as God’s will.” (From Fractured Covenants, see my last post). Like the Pharisees, they focus on the “letter of the law” rather than the person and the situation – the real heart of the issue. Their focus is on “saving the marriage” rather than dealing with the real sin issue and rescuing a sister in Christ.  

When I was getting my counseling degree from Westminster Theological Seminary through Christian Counseling Educational Foundation, one of the most impactful classes I took was an observation class with Darby Stickland where we watched her counsel a couple where the husband was emotionally abusive. It was incredibly eye-opening. The husband was an EXACT match for the descriptions of an abusive person given in chapter 1 of Fractured Covenants (See under heading “Where Does Subtler Mistreatment End, and Abuse Begin?” See also additional descriptions in chapter 2). And the poor wife, she was so conditioned that she had no idea she was innocent – and that he was the problem! It was beautiful seeing the understanding dawn in her face as she realized the way he was treating her was wrong and that she had done nothing to deserve it. It was tragic to see a woman stuck in such an awful situation.

In 1 Cor. 5:11, it says this:  ^“But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler - not even to eat with such a one.” You can be a practicing adulterer, reviler, drunkard, or you can be a Christian. You can’t be both. “In fact, according to this text, a reviler who calls himself a brother is far, far worse than an outright unbeliever. A reviler who is allowed to call himself a brother will corrupt the whole church” (Fractured Covenants, and see here). Many abusers pass themselves off as “good Christian men” but in reality, in secret, are slanderers and revilers of their wives. Jesus had a lot to say about these kinds of people: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness” (Matthew 23:27-28).

When church leaders misplace blame and demand a woman return to an abusive husband – especially one who claims to be a Christian - they are disobeying 1 Cor. 5:11 and the rest of Scripture which says over and over to rescue those who are oppressed (see Psalm 82:3-4, Lev. 19:15, and many others). Doing so they spiritually abuse their position and add to the victims suffering by using Scripture against her and disciplining her for fleeing her abuser. Jesus had a lot to say about these kinds of people too:

^“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! … You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell? Therefore I am sending you prophets and sages and teachers. Some of them you will kill and crucify; others you will flog in your synagogues and pursue from town to town. And so upon you will come all the righteous blood that has been shed on earth...” (Matthew 23:23-24, 34-36, NIV)

These words are incredibly harsh and frightening. Not only do these kinds of people persecute the righteous, but they risk going to hell.  

In the book, Fractured Covenants, the author shares much of her own story of abuse in her marriage and her church’s tragic, abusive response. While initially supportive, her two pastors chose to side with her husband and, despite acknowledging she was a victim, still demanded that she return to him. In a letter to her (after she had resigned her membership) in which they threaten church discipline they write, “Our first and greatest concern is that you chose to divorce…”. (This and subsequent quotes taken directly from the letter from the church pastors which you can read here.) Their first and greatest concern was not over the sin HE had committed towards her, it was not that SHE needed safety and healing…. It was that she was (apparently) sinning by divorcing this man who repeatedly and unrepentantly verbally, spiritually and emotionally abused her. Again, while the leaders acknowledge the abuse, they still somehow believed that she was the one “breaking (the) marriage covenant”. They claimed she didn’t “attempt to address his sins” or “didn’t want help or counsel”, (quote) which was not true – they had done counseling, she'd tried to get help about his problems but nothing changed. He wasn’t willing to change – that was the issue. Of course, he feigned sorrow and “repentance” to the pastors, but then he turned around and continued in his verbal abuse and antagonism towards her. This is completely typical of abusers. Yet the pastors, these “blind guides,” naively believed him over her – and subsequently sought to discipline her because she had “wandered from the truth” (quote). What “truth” is that exactly? How could she seek to “preserve the marriage” (quote) when her husband was the one breaking the marriage covenant? Is this what God intended when He created marriage? Is this the kind of leadership and ministry God calls pastors to? 

As for the church leaders who so sinned against her, God will judge them for downplaying and even condoning the sin of the men in their congregation and for shooting their own wounded. 

Brothers and sisters, we cannot tolerate, excuse or downplay abuse. It is sinful, demonic and damaging. It is a sin against the man to leave him in his sin, a sin against the woman to leave her in her suffering or hurt her further, and a sin against the local church and the church at large (in showing how we handle sin and oppression) and to Christ Himself. Proverbs says that, “He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous, both of them alike are an abomination to the LORD” (Prov 17:15) and Jesus Himself said, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matt. 7:2). Let us not be like the Pharisees, let us not imitate or follow those who value their interpretation of Scripture over the soul of one oppressed. Let us believe those who come to us with their stories of abuse and rescue them from the hands of the wicked.

You can read about the events in this particular case for yourself in Fractured Covenants and in THIS article on Marie's story.
  

For additional reading: Spiritual Abuse in Marriage 

Fractured Covenants (Book Review)

Where does a high-view of marriage lead you theologically and practically?

Marriage, after all, was created by God as a reflection of Himself and the Church. So what does your view of marriage say about God? And what does it say about the Church? If marriage is to be so esteemed, is divorce ever an option? These are some of the key questions that the author of Fractured Covenants deals with. More specifically, is marriage as God intended still a binding covenant even in cases of abuse? After all, “there is an enormous difference between a disappointing marriage, and a destructive one”. (All quotes in this post from Fractured Covenants unless otherwise indicated.) Scripture also has a lot to say on the value and protection of women. “Mosaic divorce allowance was given by God for humanitarian means – to protect women from cruelty.” It was permitted because of sin. God himself “divorced” his bride (Israel) for their adultery. In fact, does the Bible actually say, “God hates divorce”? I have heard this quoted many times in my life, and I was shocked to realize that that is NOT what the verse says! The author shows how the NIV here has an accurate translation of the Hebrew:

“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, 
“does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. - Mal 2:13

See here for explanation of the Hebrew.

God himself calls for husbands to love their wives “as their own body” and judges those who oppress and abuse others (see Isa. 10:1–4; 30:12–14; Jer. 6:6-8; 9:6–11). If marriage is a reflection of God, then both parties should mirror his love and grace (although imperfectly). But what happens when one party continually and unrepentantly does the exact opposite? What should the church’s response be to a woman (or man) abused by their spouse?

The author of Fractured Covenants does a fantastic job of exegeting scripture and showing us what God’s design for husbands and wives in marriage is. Furthermore, as a trained Biblical counselor and an abuse survivor herself she also writes about how we should respond when there is emotional or verbal abuse in a marriage.

There are Christian circles (many of them Reformed or solid theologically) that sadly ignore or downplay emotional (or otherwise non-physical) abuse in marriage. But this is not right. “Averting our eyes when one of our sisters is being abused, in any form, is not Christ-like.” Indeed not! But what exactly is emotional abuse? Examples include “verbal attacks, silent treatment, destructive criticism, manipulation, lying, threats, and withholding affection. These toxic relationships affect the victim’s ability to trust others and enjoy healthy relationships in the future.”

This book also uncovers the reasons many churches and pastors do not take abuse seriously and push for victims to return to their abusers. The issue of abuse is not one you can truly understand without either experiencing it yourself, walking alongside someone who has experienced it, or had very specific training about it. Too many churches and pastors are ignorant (or in plain denial) of the dark hidden aspects of abuse, and also unaware that abusers are very good at hiding their sin and appearing very godly. They are ignorant of the fact that an abuser cannot simply “repent” and suddenly be a great husband. Thinking someone can go from being abusive to a true godly person is incredibly naïve. Any professional counselor will tell you that men like this need intensive and long-term counseling to overcome their abusive tendencies. He is a liar and a slanderer and cannot be trusted until there is real remorse, repentance and true change of character. To pressure a woman to return to her abusive husband when they have not taken his sin seriously is wrong and damaging, not only to the woman herself, but also to the church at large.

In Ephesians 5:21, immediately prior to the verse where it says, “wives submit to your husbands,” commands, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. This is speaking to both husband and wife. Submission is not just for wives, both husbands and wives are to submit to one another. Certainly, for the wife this is more specifically commanded, but it should not be taken in isolation. In the book, the author describes what this means beautifully: “Biblical submission is an aspect of Christian liberty wherein we prefer others to ourselves. It’s an expression of Christian love, intended to glorify God in all that it chooses to do. It kindly and generously serves others, to provide for their comfort. It defers to others, it edifies them, and it blesses them according to their needs. It’s genuinely benevolent and seeks the welfare and best interests of others. It diligently pursues life, health, and dignity for others as well as oneself. Biblical submission, far from being a sanctified form of dictatorship, honors God as supreme and honors others as his creatures made in his image.” The author does a good job at showing how scripture makes it pretty clear that, “Men’s and women’s rights within the family are the same size – with each having equal rights to having their opinions and desires respected, as well as input into decision making and the right to live free from physical and verbal abuse.” Yes, wives are called to submit, but this doesn't mean she does not have a voice or can be ignored or abused.

Yet, sadly, as the author shows, there are churches, organizations and Christians that emphasize the command of wives submission over the command on husbands to love their wives as Christ and their own body. This is wrong, dangerous, and a misuse of Scripture. For that is NOT how God intended marriage to be. Indeed, “when a command for submission is wielded like a weapon, it is a sure sign that the follow-up verses on ‘loving [your] wife as Christ loved the Church’ are not being obeyed.” If a husband is choosing not to love his wife as God calls him to (verses 25-30), submitting to her out of love (verse 21) and honoring her as the weaker vessel (1 Peter 3:7), he is willfully breaking, and not honoring the marriage covenant. Furthermore, “Men who verbally abuse their wives are what the Bible calls ‘revilers’…. You can be a reviler, or you can be a Christian. You can’t be both.” According to 1 Cor. 5:11, the one who reviles, and slanders others is the one who is to be treated as an unbeliever.

How should the church deal with a marriage that is fractured by abuse? How should we respond to and counsel a man with this sin pattern? He needs to be confronted with his sin but, “the problem is that when abusers are confronted about their behavior, not only will they often lie outright to their pastors and/or counselors, they will spin events and hateful, hurtful statements they have made in such a way as to minimize or project blame onto the other party(ies).” And these kinds of people are usually such experts at manipulating the facts and seeming sincere that they nearly always fool everyone. The author recalls a personal instance and other victims’ accounts where this kind of cover-up occurred and their husbands even boasted about it to the wives later. Her own ex-husband even told her how he’d told the pastor he wanted her back. She was incredulous and said, “Why would you say that? You hate me! Did you tell him you loved me?” His response after laughing was, “it never came up.” “Inexperienced pastors, pre-disposed to believe the man’s side, often do nothing to help the woman – instead, they often side against her along with her husband.” The lack of seriousness of the abuser’s sin along with their emphasis on the woman’s responsibility for her husband’s treatment of them is not only unbiblical, it is sin. Yet, sometimes pastors add to the burden by pressuring the wives into returning to a man who they know has no intention of changing. Some Christians have even told women that they need to, “endure this suffering for Christ.” But “the real ‘truth’ that we display to the world by accepting abuse in a marriage is that God would have us suffer for someone else’s pleasure (not His). “When the marriage covenant has been broken through ongoing abuse, trust is shattered. Try as they might, well-meaning clergy cannot always put the pieces back together again, nor should the victim feel compelled to return when the situation has not changed.” It is fairly common knowledge that if someone was seriously sinned against – for example in sexual abuse or rape - you can forgive that person, but that doesn’t mean you continue in close contact with them. Restoration is very different from forgiveness. If someone purposely hurt your child, you would not let them anywhere near that child again until you were sure they had changed. Once again, even if they are “sorry,” sins like these are deep, ingrained patterns and the person is not to be trusted until there is assurance of true repentance. Yet wives with abusive husbands are told to go back and submit to him? Is this what God meant when He said, “Marriage is to be held in honor by all” (Heb 13:4)?

Furthermore, church leaders lead the rest of the Church and other Christians to also side against the abused woman and threaten her church discipline for divorcing her unrepentant husband. These women are, “shamed by the churches they trusted to protect them – all in the name of saving a marriage over a person.” Although Scripture does admonish us to, “Obey your leaders and submit to them,” (Heb 13:17) church leaders are human and sometimes wrong and this verse does not mean unconditional obedience. This pressure to return to her abuser and using spiritual authority to further coerce her to submit tragically adds spiritual abuse to her suffering. Spiritual abuse is using the Word of God or spiritual position to convince or manipulate another person into doing what you think they should do. Of course, most people don’t think they are manipulating or anything like that – they think they are “standing for truth” and doing what the Bible says. But even as Christians who value and love the Word of God we can sometimes have views and opinions that do not line up with the full counsel of God.

When a woman finds the courage to tell someone about the abuse she has been suffering, we need to validate her experience and not disregard it. If there is some reason to doubt her story, we can ask for more details and dig deeper, but it is extremely rare for someone to lie about ongoing abuse and they are often taking a big risk by speaking out. “The words ‘I believe you’ are incredibly empowering to an abused woman.” I recall two instances of three different friends telling me about their husbands and father. Both times I was shocked, as I knew two of three men in question, and couldn’t imagine these men being abusive in such ways. But I believed all of them – no questions asked. I learned more about the situations later which confirmed I was right to do so, but too often people assume that victims are at the very least exaggerating. But worse that not being believed, victims, instead of receiving help and support, receive judgment from other Christians. (In the book there are several examples given of this happening to completely innocent parties.) It is amazing how harsh and judgmental other Christians (who usually do not know the whole story) can be. Too often we assume someone who was divorced (especially if they seem to be initiating and wanting the divorce) was somehow to blame and holds at least some responsibility, yet it is not right for us to assume if we do not know. The author herself, lost friends, trust, respect from Christians who should have known better than to make assumptions and pass judgment. Most simply just wanted to trust the church leadership - and this is probably what is most tragic.

I personally know the author of this book. Marie O’Toole (formerly Notcheva) has been given grace to persevere and stay faithful to God despite the abuse from her husband and subsequent spiritual abuse from her church. I write more about her story and this topic in my follow-up post which I encourage you to read here. To my sorrow, other people I know personally did not believe her and/or valued the opinion of these church leaders over her. But Christians, we cannot condone sin. To shun a woman because she fled an abusive relationship and refused to go back and submit to her abuser is wrong and damaging, to the woman, the church and the name of Christ. Divorce is not always a sin, sometimes, it is the most godly thing a person can do.

Brethren, let us stop passing judgment until we have heard the whole story and searched the whole of Scripture. For Jesus Himself said, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matt. 7:2). Let us show mercy to those who are suffering, let us hold sinners accountable, let us rescue those in distress as Scripture calls us to: “Maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked” (Psalm 82:3-4).

For additional reading on this topic see the following articles:

God Hates Divorce? 

Sexual Abuse in Marriage

You can find all my posts on this topic HERE.
You can purchase Marie's book here.

Biblical Submission: What It Does NOT Mean

When most people hear the word “submission” they often link it with the following words: superiority/inferiority, head/feet… Well, let me tell you straight out that this is NOT a Biblical understanding of submission!

In the context of a Christian marriage (where both husband and wife are believers) there is a deeper relationship than just marriage. Marriage, as wonderful as it is, is temporal. In other words, your husband/wife will not be that same role in heaven. In heaven he/she will simply be your brother or sister in the Lord. Understanding this is very important because it allows you to see that your spouse is more than just your spouse, they are your brother or sister in the Lord. Further, your marriage is to reflect the perfect union of Christ and the church! 

A word to husbands: Husbands, you are to love your wife. You are to love her selflessly and sacrificially as Christ loved the church. Love, as 1 Cor 13 tells us, does not “seek its own”. In other words, it does not demand its own way, push for its own agenda, or control things according to its own desire. Love is patient, kind, gentle. It is considerate and respectful of others feelings and opinions. It does not push, it is not selfish. Men, you will ALL struggle with this because you are sinners and you naturally want your own way. It may look different from person to person, but you will all struggle to love your wife more than your own way.

Now, we get to the point of this article. Wives are called to submit to their husbands. But what does this mean? Submission is a Biblical command, but it is not one that we usually like. However, simply put, submission is love. Similarly to husbands, wives, you will struggle with this because you will often desire your own way more than doing what is right. Often loving others requires putting yourself in second place and this is what we are called to do for our husbands. In a sequel post I will get to specifics of what submission does mean, but for now….

•   Never disagreeing.

Biblical submission is not the obligation to stay silent and never disagree with your husband. You are an intelligent person and may have much to contribute to the situation at hand. Many times women have great insight to offer in making decisions and a husband should be wise enough to listen. Perhaps your husband does not allow you to do this. If that is the case it's a clue that something is not quite right... keep reading. As a human being you have value and worth before God, you are given wisdom and insight, but remember you have weaknesses too. Don’t assume that you know better than your husband (just like you don’t want him to assume the same about you!). Each of you will have strengths and weaknesses and can learn from one another. Don't be afraid to disagree, but love says be humble, willing to listen, and willing to yield.

• You exist to serve your husband.

 Some women will claim that they feel like a doormat because they feel as if exist just to serve men. This is certainly not true. You exist to serve and glorify God first and foremost. However, as a wife you were intended by God to be a “helper” to your husband. A helper, not a servant. If your husband does expect you to serve his every whim and wish there's a problem (see next point). At the same time you do need to realize you have different roles. In most cases the husband is working a job to provide for the family and the wife is at home taking care of the household. These roles may be somewhat different in your situation, but whatever the roles are they need to be clear and defined otherwise there’s confusion and disappointed expectations. There are various ways of helping your husband and one of those is serving him, showing him respect, honor, etc. There may be times where you feel like a “doormat” but that doesn’t mean you are and he’s likely not doing it intentionally. Better communication is needed. Perhaps you are struggling with being at home, you would rather not have to make dinner and do laundry and would rather be doing something else. Look at your heart… are there selfish desires driving you to be discontent? Would you rather be pursuing your own interests than the interests of others? Our purpose in life is not to seek happiness and feeling good, it is to glorify God wherever we are. This is selfishness and that is where your battle is – not with your husband. Be careful not to trust your feelings too much. See the enemy as what it really is… unfortunately it’s often our own hearts!
 

• Giving into abuse. 

Unfortunately in our fallen world there are cases where husbands are abusive. But Biblical headship is not domination and Biblical submission is not forced. Sometimes they may require things from their wives that are legitimately unreasonable. Perhaps he pressures her have everything “just so” and the way he likes it. Maybe he is in control of nearly everything, she feels threatened and manipulated into doing things and has limited freedom to make her own choices. If she feels like a doormat then, it’s probably because he IS actually treating her like one. If this is the case with you please realize that this is not healthy relationship. Pray and seek counsel on what you can do. (Keep reading, and see below!) For anyone to use force, manipulation, threats of violence or violence itself is SIN and you should not put up with it.

As you seek to communicate a disagreement/sin pattern with your husband here are some helpful pointers:

Talk to your husband. Ask him if you can talk to him about something. Encourage him in some ways first and then in a gentle, kind and non-judgmental way share with him your concerns. If he will not listen to you than seek counsel for your specific situation. 
Ask him if you can read a book together. Find a book that addresses both husbands and wives that is balanced. Remember you both need to grow in some way. Ask someone you trust for a recommendation.  

Pray for someone to disciple your husband. It might help to talk to an older, more mature man or a pastor (someone who you trust has a good marriage) about befriending your husband. If they could study various things including how to love well, marriage related studies, etc. and this would eliminate you getting involved. For a husband to be told by his wife he's not doing his job is hard for a man to take. He needs patient and gentle teaching from another man.

If he is still resistant, stay and pray or take action if needed. If your husband is a believer but is resisting the idea that he should be treating you with love and respect he is in sin and you have two options. 1) Stay and keep praying for him. Continue to speak the truth to him, but love and serve him as long as he is not causing you physical harm or causing significant emotional/spiritual distress/harm. 2) If he is causing physical harm, or emotionally/spiritually damaging you (see footnote) than he is in a sense “forcing” you to leave and seek safety. It is alright to separate from your husband under these circumstances BUT you must do it only after you have first tried previous steps. Sometimes in order for him to wake up and realize that he is in sin there needs to be consequences and marital separation is a big consequence. Go to your pastor (or a trusted Biblical counselor) for advice before acting. In cases where he will not repent and work on changing, you will need to follow the process of Church discipline laid out in Matthew 18.

In summary, Biblical submission is not forced, it is an act of love. See here for my sequel on what Biblical submission does look like!

Footnote: Emotional abuse is often hard to define and sometimes women can think they are being emotionally abused because they are having difficulties in their marriage. Now, your husband is a sinner and will sin against you, however abuse is when there is a pattern of abusive power and control. It’s often progressive, it gets worse over time, becomes more frequent over time. If he is dominating you to the point where you are “walking on eggshells” around him or you are not free to be yourself or have responsibility and control over some things within the jurisdiction of your role than you could be in an abusive relationship. See this site for more resources and advice: http://leslievernick.com/free-resources/ Or you can take this test: http://www.leslievernick.com/pdfs/Relationship-test.pdf

 

HERE is a video on non-physical abuse by Darby Strickland.