Fractured Covenants (Book Review)

Where does a high-view of marriage lead you theologically and practically?

Marriage, after all, was created by God as a reflection of Himself and the Church. So what does your view of marriage say about God? And what does it say about the Church? If marriage is to be so esteemed, is divorce ever an option? These are some of the key questions that the author of Fractured Covenants deals with. More specifically, is marriage as God intended still a binding covenant even in cases of abuse? After all, “there is an enormous difference between a disappointing marriage, and a destructive one”. (All quotes in this post from Fractured Covenants unless otherwise indicated.) Scripture also has a lot to say on the value and protection of women. “Mosaic divorce allowance was given by God for humanitarian means – to protect women from cruelty.” It was permitted because of sin. God himself “divorced” his bride (Israel) for their adultery. In fact, does the Bible actually say, “God hates divorce”? I have heard this quoted many times in my life, and I was shocked to realize that that is NOT what the verse says! The author shows how the NIV here has an accurate translation of the Hebrew:

“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, 
“does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. - Mal 2:13

See here for explanation of the Hebrew.

God himself calls for husbands to love their wives “as their own body” and judges those who oppress and abuse others (see Isa. 10:1–4; 30:12–14; Jer. 6:6-8; 9:6–11). If marriage is a reflection of God, then both parties should mirror his love and grace (although imperfectly). But what happens when one party continually and unrepentantly does the exact opposite? What should the church’s response be to a woman (or man) abused by their spouse?

The author of Fractured Covenants does a fantastic job of exegeting scripture and showing us what God’s design for husbands and wives in marriage is. Furthermore, as a trained Biblical counselor and an abuse survivor herself she also writes about how we should respond when there is emotional or verbal abuse in a marriage.

There are Christian circles (many of them Reformed or solid theologically) that sadly ignore or downplay emotional (or otherwise non-physical) abuse in marriage. But this is not right. “Averting our eyes when one of our sisters is being abused, in any form, is not Christ-like.” Indeed not! But what exactly is emotional abuse? Examples include “verbal attacks, silent treatment, destructive criticism, manipulation, lying, threats, and withholding affection. These toxic relationships affect the victim’s ability to trust others and enjoy healthy relationships in the future.”

This book also uncovers the reasons many churches and pastors do not take abuse seriously and push for victims to return to their abusers. The issue of abuse is not one you can truly understand without either experiencing it yourself, walking alongside someone who has experienced it, or had very specific training about it. Too many churches and pastors are ignorant (or in plain denial) of the dark hidden aspects of abuse, and also unaware that abusers are very good at hiding their sin and appearing very godly. They are ignorant of the fact that an abuser cannot simply “repent” and suddenly be a great husband. Thinking someone can go from being abusive to a true godly person is incredibly naïve. Any professional counselor will tell you that men like this need intensive and long-term counseling to overcome their abusive tendencies. He is a liar and a slanderer and cannot be trusted until there is real remorse, repentance and true change of character. To pressure a woman to return to her abusive husband when they have not taken his sin seriously is wrong and damaging, not only to the woman herself, but also to the church at large.

In Ephesians 5:21, immediately prior to the verse where it says, “wives submit to your husbands,” commands, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. This is speaking to both husband and wife. Submission is not just for wives, both husbands and wives are to submit to one another. Certainly, for the wife this is more specifically commanded, but it should not be taken in isolation. In the book, the author describes what this means beautifully: “Biblical submission is an aspect of Christian liberty wherein we prefer others to ourselves. It’s an expression of Christian love, intended to glorify God in all that it chooses to do. It kindly and generously serves others, to provide for their comfort. It defers to others, it edifies them, and it blesses them according to their needs. It’s genuinely benevolent and seeks the welfare and best interests of others. It diligently pursues life, health, and dignity for others as well as oneself. Biblical submission, far from being a sanctified form of dictatorship, honors God as supreme and honors others as his creatures made in his image.” The author does a good job at showing how scripture makes it pretty clear that, “Men’s and women’s rights within the family are the same size – with each having equal rights to having their opinions and desires respected, as well as input into decision making and the right to live free from physical and verbal abuse.” Yes, wives are called to submit, but this doesn't mean she does not have a voice or can be ignored or abused.

Yet, sadly, as the author shows, there are churches, organizations and Christians that emphasize the command of wives submission over the command on husbands to love their wives as Christ and their own body. This is wrong, dangerous, and a misuse of Scripture. For that is NOT how God intended marriage to be. Indeed, “when a command for submission is wielded like a weapon, it is a sure sign that the follow-up verses on ‘loving [your] wife as Christ loved the Church’ are not being obeyed.” If a husband is choosing not to love his wife as God calls him to (verses 25-30), submitting to her out of love (verse 21) and honoring her as the weaker vessel (1 Peter 3:7), he is willfully breaking, and not honoring the marriage covenant. Furthermore, “Men who verbally abuse their wives are what the Bible calls ‘revilers’…. You can be a reviler, or you can be a Christian. You can’t be both.” According to 1 Cor. 5:11, the one who reviles, and slanders others is the one who is to be treated as an unbeliever.

How should the church deal with a marriage that is fractured by abuse? How should we respond to and counsel a man with this sin pattern? He needs to be confronted with his sin but, “the problem is that when abusers are confronted about their behavior, not only will they often lie outright to their pastors and/or counselors, they will spin events and hateful, hurtful statements they have made in such a way as to minimize or project blame onto the other party(ies).” And these kinds of people are usually such experts at manipulating the facts and seeming sincere that they nearly always fool everyone. The author recalls a personal instance and other victims’ accounts where this kind of cover-up occurred and their husbands even boasted about it to the wives later. Her own ex-husband even told her how he’d told the pastor he wanted her back. She was incredulous and said, “Why would you say that? You hate me! Did you tell him you loved me?” His response after laughing was, “it never came up.” “Inexperienced pastors, pre-disposed to believe the man’s side, often do nothing to help the woman – instead, they often side against her along with her husband.” The lack of seriousness of the abuser’s sin along with their emphasis on the woman’s responsibility for her husband’s treatment of them is not only unbiblical, it is sin. Yet, sometimes pastors add to the burden by pressuring the wives into returning to a man who they know has no intention of changing. Some Christians have even told women that they need to, “endure this suffering for Christ.” But “the real ‘truth’ that we display to the world by accepting abuse in a marriage is that God would have us suffer for someone else’s pleasure (not His). “When the marriage covenant has been broken through ongoing abuse, trust is shattered. Try as they might, well-meaning clergy cannot always put the pieces back together again, nor should the victim feel compelled to return when the situation has not changed.” It is fairly common knowledge that if someone was seriously sinned against – for example in sexual abuse or rape - you can forgive that person, but that doesn’t mean you continue in close contact with them. Restoration is very different from forgiveness. If someone purposely hurt your child, you would not let them anywhere near that child again until you were sure they had changed. Once again, even if they are “sorry,” sins like these are deep, ingrained patterns and the person is not to be trusted until there is assurance of true repentance. Yet wives with abusive husbands are told to go back and submit to him? Is this what God meant when He said, “Marriage is to be held in honor by all” (Heb 13:4)?

Furthermore, church leaders lead the rest of the Church and other Christians to also side against the abused woman and threaten her church discipline for divorcing her unrepentant husband. These women are, “shamed by the churches they trusted to protect them – all in the name of saving a marriage over a person.” Although Scripture does admonish us to, “Obey your leaders and submit to them,” (Heb 13:17) church leaders are human and sometimes wrong and this verse does not mean unconditional obedience. This pressure to return to her abuser and using spiritual authority to further coerce her to submit tragically adds spiritual abuse to her suffering. Spiritual abuse is using the Word of God or spiritual position to convince or manipulate another person into doing what you think they should do. Of course, most people don’t think they are manipulating or anything like that – they think they are “standing for truth” and doing what the Bible says. But even as Christians who value and love the Word of God we can sometimes have views and opinions that do not line up with the full counsel of God.

When a woman finds the courage to tell someone about the abuse she has been suffering, we need to validate her experience and not disregard it. If there is some reason to doubt her story, we can ask for more details and dig deeper, but it is extremely rare for someone to lie about ongoing abuse and they are often taking a big risk by speaking out. “The words ‘I believe you’ are incredibly empowering to an abused woman.” I recall two instances of three different friends telling me about their husbands and father. Both times I was shocked, as I knew two of three men in question, and couldn’t imagine these men being abusive in such ways. But I believed all of them – no questions asked. I learned more about the situations later which confirmed I was right to do so, but too often people assume that victims are at the very least exaggerating. But worse that not being believed, victims, instead of receiving help and support, receive judgment from other Christians. (In the book there are several examples given of this happening to completely innocent parties.) It is amazing how harsh and judgmental other Christians (who usually do not know the whole story) can be. Too often we assume someone who was divorced (especially if they seem to be initiating and wanting the divorce) was somehow to blame and holds at least some responsibility, yet it is not right for us to assume if we do not know. The author herself, lost friends, trust, respect from Christians who should have known better than to make assumptions and pass judgment. Most simply just wanted to trust the church leadership - and this is probably what is most tragic.

I personally know the author of this book. Marie O’Toole (formerly Notcheva) has been given grace to persevere and stay faithful to God despite the abuse from her husband and subsequent spiritual abuse from her church. I write more about her story and this topic in my follow-up post which I encourage you to read here. To my sorrow, other people I know personally did not believe her and/or valued the opinion of these church leaders over her. But Christians, we cannot condone sin. To shun a woman because she fled an abusive relationship and refused to go back and submit to her abuser is wrong and damaging, to the woman, the church and the name of Christ. Divorce is not always a sin, sometimes, it is the most godly thing a person can do.

Brethren, let us stop passing judgment until we have heard the whole story and searched the whole of Scripture. For Jesus Himself said, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matt. 7:2). Let us show mercy to those who are suffering, let us hold sinners accountable, let us rescue those in distress as Scripture calls us to: “Maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked” (Psalm 82:3-4).

For additional reading on this topic see the following articles:

God Hates Divorce? 

Sexual Abuse in Marriage

You can find all my posts on this topic HERE.
You can purchase Marie's book here.

Thoughts of a New Mama

My little boy just turned 3 months. The past few months have been crazy… right around the time he turned 2 months we packed up our apartment and moved from Philadelphia to Massachusetts where we have been living with my parents for a month now (waiting for our new apartment to be ready). Keller also has had some allergies which for several weeks made him spit up a LOT nearly every time I fed him and he was very uncomfortable (and thus fussy) a lot of the time (poor little guy!). We finally figured that out all it was (eggs, wheat and entire bean family!) when he was 10 weeks and he got SO much better. Early on I also developed pain in my wrists that still hasn’t gone away (currently wearing braces when he’s sleeping and going to see a doctor soon). Since he was born I had worked hard at getting Keller into a routine (wake, feed, play, sleep pattern) but his allergies made that difficult, then the stress of the move and being in a different place messed him all up and he regressed to taking 40 minute naps and wanting to eat every 2-2.5 hours. He was waking twice at night which wasn’t too bad, it was more during the day and getting him to sleep at night. When he was sleeping a lot of times I would think I heard crying. Nearly EVERY SINGLE TIME he woke up from his nap I would sigh with frustration – 40 minutes again! It was tiring! I tried at one point to get him on a 3 hour routine (which involved letting him cry for a bit when he woke early from naps) but then wasn’t sure he wasn’t quite ready, plus I knew we’d be moving into our new place in a few more weeks. I didn’t want to make things more difficult so thought maybe I should just roll with it until we were settled? I had so many doubts… Do I let him cry? Do I rock him to sleep every time? Do I roll with it? Was I doing the right thing? But then I had two nights of him waking 3 times, plus only four 40 minute naps (which meant I only got a half hour nap in the morning) and that night I couldn’t fall asleep for awhile because I was (again) crying with frustration, uncertainty and from just being tired. My sweet husband asks what he can do and all I can think is “I don’t know”. I WISH I knew. I wish someone could just tell me exactly what to do and it would fix everything. The problem is there’s so many different people telling you so many different things. Do this, don’t do that, have you tried _____? I mean, who do you listen to? I would get SO annoyed with anyone who told me to “cherish every moment”… how the heck am I supposed to do that? And then I’d feel like a failure because I wasn’t enjoying motherhood very much at all at the moment.

I leaned towards just rolling with it, but I was so exhausted emotionally and physically that then I was all anxious about having a breakdown. This is even while we were living with my parents and my mom helped me sometimes. But the thought of soon moving to be on our own stressed and frightened me too. My sister-in-law reminded me that in order for my little one to be happy and healthy his mama needed to sleep! That means either pumping a lot (which gets complicated when you have a baby to take care of) or getting formula so that my husband could do feeds when he was at home or, putting him on a schedule and teaching him to sleep. All this came with another whole set of emotional stress… I’m his mother, I’m supposed to be able to feed and care for him. Having someone else feed him or giving formula felt like I was failing in a huge way. My whole life I’ve wanted to be a mom, now here I am feeling as though I am failing miserably. Welcome to reality I guess. It’s incredibly humbling to say the least.

I also had to work through being concerned about what other moms might think… I can’t seem to figure this out when others have. Are they going to look down on me for not being able to handle it? I had to talk to God a lot about my concerns about being “successful” and having everything under control and being too concerned about other’s opinions.  

I’ve had my pride crushed… I’m having to swallow it whole. I’m learning to be OK with not having all the answers or having it all together. There are many times I just feel like hiding away, afraid of being judged. But I know I need others around me for encouragement. I have family members and friends who love me and understand how hard it can be. I need to ask for help, for prayer. And I’m so thankful for different family members taking the time to talk and give advice, and for the encouragement of many others.

Motherhood is not easy. Whatever you might think, however it may appear, it’s not! Even if you don’t happen to struggle much at first, it will humble you eventually. At times it will mean having your pride utterly crushed. Motherhood is about growing in patience, genuine self-less love, self-control. It’s about learning how much you need God and others.

I’m in the middle of a big mess. I’m trying to work things through with God. I’m trying to figure out what’s best for me and my son. It’s hard, it’s tiring, there’s SO much uncertainty! But there’s God and His grace, baby smiles and giggles. It’s enough.

 

A Newly-Married Girl’s Thoughts on Singleness & Contentment

I know.

If you’re single and reading this you are probably rolling your eyes and thinking “what does she know, she’s married now!”

I know, because I’ve totally thought that! I really do totally understand and in no way wish to minimize how you feel because I remember feeling a very similar way. And I hope this is encouraging!

I got married about 2 weeks ago at the age of 32. It was a pretty long wait. I say “long” because it was, (although I know other people who have gotten married a lot younger and say it was a long wait…  I really don’t think you’re allowed to say it was long until you’re at least late 20’s, but it still seemed long to them I'm sure). I also say “pretty" long because I have friends who are the same age as me or are older and are still hoping to be married. I greatly admire and respect them for how they’ve sought to wait on the Lord even in their deep desire to be married. And I know many people who suffer in other ways that I haven't... how I admire their faith and trust in God in the midst of so much difficulty!

Being married now and looking back, it’s true, singleness is really hard (and if you’ve read my blog you know just how challenging it’s been for me personally). But, it also had a whole LOT of sweetness. I had many blessings and experiences while single that I wouldn't have had if I'd been married.

But yes, I love being married. I love being with my wonderful husband who’s my best friend. But in all honesty I do remember thinking at one point before we were married “do I really want to do this?” ‘cause when you get married, you’re not your own anymore. All my money, all my free time (all my time pretty much), things like how much I slept in, how clean I kept my room, what I wanted to eat for dinner or buy at the grocery store – all these decisions would no longer me mine to make as I pleased. There was someone else to consider, a living breathing person with feelings (and good sense) living with me to make decisions with and to submit my desires to.

Hello marriage. Goodbye independence.

Is it worth it? YES, absolutely. But I’m just saying that it IS a sacrifice. And I’m saying, if you’re single, don’t take it for granted. Elisabeth Elliot wrote a lot about how singleness is a gift… and she experienced the hardship and the joys of it. I struggled to believe this as a single person, but I re-read 1 Corinthians 7 (where Paul talks about how single people are free to serve the Lord) recently as a married woman and it struck me in a new way. Truly I was much more distracted now; I had a husband to focus on and please. Before I could devote myself to God and to His people and I realized in a deeper way what a great gift that is! To be free and unhindered to serve, give, love… as a single person, I was a great gift to the Church! There are so many ways that I was able to serve that at the time didn’t seem important, certainly not exciting. But looking back and seeing all that God’s done in and through me it’s pretty neat! In my 12+years being a single adult I got to do a lot of amazing things! I went to college, got training in Biblical counseling, traveled various places, I lived for 2 short periods in Germany, went to Bible School for a year, interned for an amazing ministry in Colorado, took seminary classes and then went to seminary. And that’s not to mention all the great family trips, road trips with friends, summers at a Christian camp (this was the first summer I didn't go at all and it was sad!), and many opportunities to serve in my church in ways that other people couldn’t! There were so many things that I didn’t realize till later the great gift each experience was to me and to others involved. They have made me into the person that I am today. And they have helped to shape and bless others in more ways that I even know.

I’ve learned over the years that discontentment can come at you no matter where you are in life. Just watch “Mom’s Night Out” to see that (I could seriously identify with Allyson’s feelings even though I was single and didn’t have any kids). I certainly struggled with discontentment while I was single, and at times I gave in to it. As a result there were opportunities for me that I didn’t take advantage of. Moments where I could have served, loved, given and been a blessing but I was too distracted by what I didn’t have. In a recent sermon at my church we were reminded that this sinful world is discouraging, but even in the midst of that we ought to be pursuing joy in God and living the life He’s called us to to the fullest. Singleness is hard at times, but so is marriage. Friends, LIFE is hard! But it’s also filled with so many wonderful gifts!

All this to say, don’t disregard where God has you right now. Don't end up wasting your time focusing on what you don't have and miss opportunities. He has a great purpose for your life. You are a gift to those around you. He’s given you a life to live so go live it! Enjoy every moment you can but remember that lasting joy only comes from the Giver Himself. Put Him first and then enjoy life as much as you can! 

Book Review: DEPRESSION: Looking up in the Stubborn Darkness (by Ed Welch)

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression you need to read this book!!!! Having experienced some depression myself I found the book to be very accurate, filled with great reminders and so much hope! Depression is always “profoundly spiritual”, but that doesn’t mean there’s a spiritual cause.  “Depression is a form of suffering that can’t be reduced to one universal cause. This means that family and friends can’t rush in armed with THE answer. Instead, they must be willing to postpone… and take time to know the depressed person and work together with him or her. What we do know is that depression is painful, and, if you have never experienced it, hard to understand.”¹ If you have never really experienced depression, please be very careful how you respond to someone suffering with it; although you may have good intentions and give them truth you are likely to end up hurting them more. Be there for them, listen and love them. Regardless of the cause, depression “is a time to answer the deepest and most important questions: Whom will I trust? Whom will I worship?” God is at work in us to change us, but “deep change is rarely a matter of knowledge. It is a matter of repentance.” Depression doesn’t always mean that we have sinned, but we usually sin in the process by turning away from God. As we become aware of this He will not only change us through the depression, He will change us at the deepest level of our heart.

“God is over all things, and nothing happens apart from his knowledge and will. By the time suffering or depression comes to our doorstep, God did it. To believe anything else is to opt for a universe that is random and out of control, without a guiding hand bringing all things to a purposeful and awe-inspiring conclusion.” This of course may lead one to question God’s goodness, but God’s sovereignty and His goodness are not contradictory. The cross demonstrates this.  “The truth is that you belong to God and you have a God-given purpose. Furthermore, the cross of Christ reveals that God’s purposes for your life are good.” In Christ we are empowered to resist temptation and sin and turn to God, no matter what. So depression is something you must do battle with and fight – for it will seek to turn your heart away from God. Turning inward feels good and feels safe, but the truth is that it is oppressive – we were not meant to function that way and cannot for very long. We must be willing to look outside ourselves and to persevere even though it’s difficult. Paul writes that we can “glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us” (Romans 5:3-5).

“If you are willing to be trained by in, expect depression to be a good teacher. That doesn’t mean that you should seek it out… But most people who are willing to be taught by suffering look back and are grateful.” I have found this to be true to my own experience. As difficult as suffering is, I am richer for it. “There are ways that you will know Jesus in your suffering that are unique and profound.” Expect to learn, expect God to use you to minister to someone else who is suffering. But always remember that this affliction is “light and momentary” compared to the glories of Heaven that await us. There is hope, but not just for the future, for right now. God gives enough grace to endure what is before you. Your pain may not disappear, but it can be alleviated as you hold on to hope and believe that Jesus is greater than your experience. “On this side of heaven we walk by faith and don’t have all the answers we would like. But there is reason to believe that you will find certain hopes fulfilled even on this side of paradise.” The question is, where is your hope? Often depression is the result of our hopes having been somewhere else and being disappointed. As hard as it is, we must humble ourselves, turn to God and cry out to Him. We must read Scripture (force-feed if necessary) and seek fellowship. God has a story, and our goal should be to accept it. We tend to make our stories about our pain and suffering rather than about Jesus and His mission. The way out of depression is to look up to God, to look forward to eternity, and to trust that God is bigger than your suffering and has a good purpose for it. Talk to God, voice to Him your struggles and confess the sin that is there. Ask Him for help and for comfort. He will give it! He promises to heal the brokenhearted (Ps. 147:3) and to come through for us. I have two quotes on a bulletin board that I made, they are this: “Hope thou in God” (from Ps. 42) and “He is for me” (from Romans 8). Both of these are great reminders that all of us need at various times in our lives.

Depression makes us sad, makes us lose interest in life. But suffering, no matter how great, cannot rob us of joy. We lose joy when we turn our eyes from God to our suffering. What is joy? “Joy takes our attention off ourselves and places it on God.” Learning to choose gratitude and be thankful in times of sadness is challenging, but again, the way out of depression is looking outside yourself to God. “Thanksgiving is gratitude for a benefit we have received. Joy includes gratitude, but its true delight is in the beauty of God and the deep goodness in all the things that come from him.” Remember that “Joy is not the opposite of suffering” – but it can be present in the midst of it. Be willing to choose gratitude and look for joy.

This really was a valuable book – and greatly needed. Many people struggle with depression, and many others do not understand it and therefore cannot be much help. Ed ends the book with some practical things – things that have helped or have not helped those who were depressed and some specific strategies to try. I hope it will be helpful to someone here!

¹ All quotations in this post are taken from this book, but from my kindle edition so I don't have page numbers.