Tranquility in the Midst of Loss

This past Saturday evening (June 8th) I began experiencing what reminded me of early labor pains.... Those labor pains that had brought forth the life of my other three children. But these “labor pains” would not bring life. Instead, they indicated what I had suspected for the previous 2 days (and actually worried about for about a week)… they marked the end of my 10-week pregnancy and the loss of our 4^th baby who had been growing inside me. A very rough next few hours followed after which things slowed down and I thought the worst was over. I even went to church Sunday morning! But late afternoon the cramping and heavy bleeding started again…. A little while later as I was about to tell my husband I thought maybe I should go to the hospital I instead said “I think I’m going to pass out”. Pass out I did, and my poor husband was left holding me up and trying to call 911. (Hubby did a great job staying calm and the two older kids were very curious but not traumatized.) After a free ride to the hospital, sirens and all (I managed to joke with the EMT’s and thank them for “making me feel important”) I landed in the ER. After getting fluids I felt a lot better but the bleeding didn’t stop. After several hours and some very uncomfortable exams it was decided I needed a procedure. Despite the pain and discomfort it was successful and the bleeding immediately stopped. Cramping subsided as well and I was discharged within an hour; we got home at 3:15am Monday morning. After a hug from my mom who was sleeping on the couch (they came to watch the kids so Mike could join me at the hospital) I collapsed in bed. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. I slept a decent amount on Monday (we managed to get my husband a nap too - he hadn’t gotten much sleep either and was taking the day off to care for me and the kids). A day later and I am feeling much better, just need some more time and rest to get back to normal (I'm still tired, very low energy, dealing with headaches, etc.)

 

I have had family and friends walk through miscarriage, but there’s always something about experiencing a suffering/loss for yourself for you to truly understand. The early waiting, the anxious feelings, the uncertainty/not knowing causes you to be reminded of how much you can't control. A more traumatic miscarriage with complications was certainly even worse to deal with, but I have had so much hope and faith knowing that our good God knows infinitely more than we do and has taken our little one to His own arms. But still my extended family, husband, children and I grieve the loss of not being able to hold them in ours. I greatly appreciate prayers as my body recovers and as our family grieves. I had come across the meme below nearly a year ago and thought it was so precious that I shared it for those who had experienced loss; now I share it for me.

 

Heaven will be sweet enough with Jesus there, but it just got a little bit more precious.

 

 

This passage I read over and over sitting in the ER (Psalm 16):

 

 

We do not know for sure if our baby was a boy or girl (which honestly bothers me more than I thought - I think because it removes some of the individuality), but we did choose a name:

 

Shiloh is a gender-neutral name of Hebrew origin, meaning “tranquil,” ”His gift” or “He whose it is.” This spiritual title is also the name of the place where Israelites used to assemble to meet with God.

 

True tranquility and peace is only found in God, in the hope of the Gospel of Christ giving himself for our sin and our full surrender to Him in response. Without Him, there is no hope. There is no life. Only death. Through all the moments of trial and suffering I've had in my life God has walked with me, humbled me (which isn't fun but necessary), shown me more of Himself, and brought His perfect hope and strength. 

 

May God's tranquility walk with you as you submit yourself to Him in whatever season you walk through.

 

 

He Heals the BrokenHearted

Sometimes life breaks our heart. Maybe a person let us down, maybe hopes and dreams were dashed, maybe sickness ruined our plans, maybe death took away our loved one, whatever it might be life sometimes leaves us with wounds that can’t be fixed with a band aid. I know what it’s like to hurt, to lose, to wish that life could just be over so the pain would stop. It was amidst this deep darkness and emotional pain that someone told me, “Amelia, I know it’s hard to believe this right now, but the pain will leave. Be patient, keep holding on, God will heal you.” It was hard to believe. When you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel life is very, very discouraging. But in the midst of the storm going on inside of me, I had a rock, and His name was Jesus. Even though I didn’t understand, even though I struggled, I held on to that fragment of faith I had left.

And then God did heal me. It took over a year and a half, but God healed me. One day I suddenly realized there was no underlying sense of sadness and grief anymore. Gone was the weight that had so long pulled me down to despair. And while I still sometimes wonder “why”, I don’t doubt His goodness anymore. I cried then, but these were no longer tears of sadness, rather, tears of happiness. How faithful God had been to me! He had restored me, healed my heart even though I knew I didn’t deserve it. Surely I didn’t. I wish I could say I responded to my trial better, I wish I could say I had a joyful heart and accepted whatever God brought into my life, but I didn’t. I was angry and bitter, and there were times where I was practically pushing Him away. But you know what? He wouldn’t let me go. I was honest with God and vented my anger and bitterness, but then He would gently remind me that He was God, He was my Creator and being angry with Him was not OK. He convicted me ever so gently of my unbelief and doubt and I had to admit that I was actually sinning in my response and cry out to Him to rescue and restore me. Deep down God had placed in me a faith that would never fail and through His grace, even in my darkest times when I felt like I was at the end of my “faith” rope, even then I was given strength to hang on. I am so thankful that God’s grace is sovereign enough to keep me even when I fail and strong enough to heal us when we are broken. I love this quote from Charles Spurgeon: "God is too good to be unkind, too wise to be mistaken; and when you cannot trace His hand, you can trust His heart."  

Perhaps you are in a waiting time right now… perhaps you wonder if the healing will ever come, if you will ever “get over it”, if you will ever really feel happy again. While there are some things that God may see fit to leave us with for the rest of our lives, God does promise to heal our hearts, to strengthen our faith, to equip us to stand in the midst of difficulty. Friend, let my story encourage you – God heals the brokenhearted. He does! Let the song below encourage you…. I would often put it on repeat and listen to it over and over again. He is faithful. Hold on. He will come and He will heal your heart.  

Compassion, Justice, and the Death Penalty

 I value life…. and I support the death penalty. To many this may seem like an oxymoron. How can you value life and support someone being put to death?

I find it ironic in our society how the very people who are strongly against the death penalty are often the same people who are in support of abortion. Talk about an oxymoron. They value life (they say) but if it’s an unborn baby it doesn’t count. They want the guilty murderer to live and let the innocent child die. Show a little humanity, they argue. But what about the humanity that was thoughtlessly killed? No, if you truly value life you will value the life that is taken, you will value innocence and condemn the guilty. This is how the death penalty actually values life and takes it seriously… it values the life that was murderously taken. Someone might argue should we not value all life regardless of what they’ve done? Certainly, that is why we do need to have compassion and love for the murderer. But what about justice for the one murdered? For their family who lost a loved one? Should not true and just punishment be given? For justice to be true justice, the punishment must fit the crime.

The death penalty is a principle that pre-dates even the Mosaic law. Genesis 9:6 says, "Whoever sheds man's blood, by man his blood shall be shed; for in the image of God He made man.” (Gen 9:6). The fact that man is made in the image of God makes murder a crime worthy of equal punishment. You take the life of an image-bearer, you forfeit your own life. In the Mosaic law itself it is written, “Moreover you shall take no ransom for the life of a murderer who is guilty of death, but he shall surely be put to death.” (Num 35:31) In other words, when it comes to murder there should be no parole, no second chance, no opportunity for you to “make it up” some other way. And before the current century when people were sentenced to death they were taken straight outside and executed immediately. Today that punishment is delayed and sometimes doesn’t end up happening at all. But delayed punishment is not true justice. We need to accept the fact that for crime there is punishment, and that the punishment ought to 1) fit the crime, and 2) be immediate.

Certainly there are exceptions. Moses murdered. David murdered. Neither of them were put to death. But then, God is also a God of grace and the fact that He chose to give these two murders grace is something to praise Him for. He gives grace when we don’t deserve it! In the case of Moses and David, they both suffered as a result of their sin. Both came to realize the depths of what they had done and repented of it. David wrote a whole poem about how God convicted him of his sin (see Psalm 51). The Gospel sets us free from the spiritual consequence of sin, but the physical/temporal consequences we will still experience to some degree. Because God granted some exceptions does that mean that the death penalty should no longer be given? No. We are not under God’s direct rule. For the sake of morality and for the good of our society just punishment needs to be given out to those who do wrong. Now, I certainly agree that the justice system in our country is greatly flawed in many ways. But where the justice department is seeking to uphold justice than we ought to support it.

I love people, even those who murder. I have compassion on those whose circumstances, genetics, families have helped to mold them into a criminal. But they still made choices. Pray for them I will, but because I value the lives they wrongly took I will uphold the death penalty. I take life seriously, and so should you. 

A Tribute to A Life Well-Lived

If I could give you a picture of a godly woman, my grandmother, Dot-Dot as we call her, would top the list.

A few days ago she breathed her last and her body is now empty.

She is not there. 

She was what everyone would call “a good person”, but her righteousness was not her own, she trusted Christ’s righteousness alone to save her from her sins. According to the Lord’s mercy He saved her, not by her good works but by the new birth of the Holy Spirit (cf. Titus 3:5). My Dot Dot didn’t just say she had this faith, she evidenced this faith in how she lived and loved and served the Lord to the end. Thus we can have hope that while her body was left behind, she is now present with the Lord (2 Cor 5:6).

She strove to become more like Christ. She was not a foreign missionary or a great speaker. She did nothing that people would consider really great. But Horatius Bonar once said that holiness is not measured by “one great heroic act or mighty martyrdom… It is of small things that a great life is made up.” 

Dot-Dot was very loving and generous to her grandchildren. She spent time with us, let us granddaughters play with her Madam Alexander doll collection. She and Papa gave us cards and presents for birthday’s and many times paid for music camp and family camp. She was such a great listener and always interested in what was going on in our lives. Even 2 weeks before she died, she asked me to tell her about a trip I had just gone on. When I was away (whether it was just summer camp, or when I was living out of state or oversees) she sent cards and letters sharing things that were going on at home and most of all telling me that she loved and prayed for me. Her deepest desire and prayer was that her family members all come to know and love the Savior too. Speaking of prayer, anyone who knew her well knew that she was a prayer warrior. I remember her telling me a few years ago, that she couldn’t do much of anything, but she could still pray. One precious memory of her and my Papa was often going into their apartment and hearing Dot Dot reading the Bible aloud. She wrote me in a letter once that she was so glad that she and I loved and followed this same Book!

She had a good life with many joys, but yet hardships, loss, and many trials, too many to even try to mention here. But I never heard her complain. She always turned her eyes to the Lord and trusted Him no matter what! She was so very unselfish! One thing she said towards the end was “I’m so much trouble”! She hated to cause anyone inconvenience. But she graciously accepted the help she needed and was always thankful. Even to towards the end when she couldn't say much. She'd weakly ask for "water" and still say "thank you" afterwards!

There are a few "heroic" stories too though. She and my Papa smuggled Bibles into China. And not just a few tucked between things, mind you… a whole suitcase full! She was on the Gideon Auxiliary and was very faithful to give Bibles out to people she met. Every nurse, aid, etc. that ever saw her should have gotten one! She loved the Lord, He had saved her from her sin and she wanted everyone else to be forgiven too! I trust there will be many more in heaven partly because of those Bible's she gave out.

She used to call me her “dimple darling” when I was young. In the last few years whenever I would come in to see her she would say “Hi sweetie!” - I will miss that. About a week before she died she opened her eyes and said this for the last time. It was so hard the last few months, especially the last week and a half… knowing she was dying and sitting by her bedside wondering if each breath would be her last. Her words during that time centered around how much she just wanted to go be with Jesus and a few days before she died she managed to say “Come… let... us... adore Him”. I obliged her by singing the chorus. She often groaned saying "Jesus!", and I saw in her a literal picture of the Spirit groaning for the coming of the Lord.  She has lived with us in an attached apartment for almost my entire life and home will never be the same without her living there, and that’s part of the sadness that death brings. But I have SO much joy in knowing that she is now truly free and with the Savior she loves. No more groaning Dot Dot... you're finally home!

I thank the Lord for the gift of my grandmother, for His work of grace in her heart and life and the legacy I have as a result. I am so very thankful for the example of prayer and faithfulness. While I will miss her much and cry a lot in the days to come, she will continue to inspire me for the rest of my life as I seek to follow the same Lord and Savior she loves so dearly.  

Much love dear Grannie Dot,

                               - Your 'sweet dimple darling'

 

(photo from Christmas 2011)