My little boy just turned 3 months. The past few months have
been crazy… right around the time he turned 2 months we packed up our apartment
and moved from Philadelphia to Massachusetts where we have been living with my
parents for a month now (waiting for our new apartment to be ready). Keller
also has had some allergies which for several weeks made him spit up a LOT nearly every time I fed him and he
was very uncomfortable (and thus fussy) a lot of the time (poor little guy!). We finally figured that out all it
was (eggs, wheat and entire bean family!) when he was 10 weeks and he got
SO much better. Early on I also developed pain in my wrists that still hasn’t gone away
(currently wearing braces when he’s sleeping and going to see a doctor soon). Since
he was born I had worked hard at getting Keller into a routine (wake, feed,
play, sleep pattern) but his allergies made that difficult, then the stress of
the move and being in a different place messed him all up and he regressed to
taking 40 minute naps and wanting to eat every 2-2.5 hours. He was waking twice
at night which wasn’t too bad, it was more during the day and getting him to
sleep at night. When he was sleeping a lot of times I would think I heard
crying. Nearly EVERY SINGLE TIME he woke up from his nap I would sigh with
frustration – 40 minutes again! It was tiring! I tried at one point to get him
on a 3 hour routine (which involved letting him cry for a bit when he woke
early from naps) but then wasn’t sure he wasn’t quite ready, plus I knew we’d
be moving into our new place in a few more weeks. I didn’t want to make things
more difficult so thought maybe I should just roll with it until we were
settled? I had so many doubts… Do I let him cry? Do I rock him to sleep every
time? Do I roll with it? Was I doing the right thing? But then I had two nights
of him waking 3 times, plus only four 40 minute naps (which meant I only got a
half hour nap in the morning) and that night I couldn’t fall asleep for awhile
because I was (again) crying with frustration, uncertainty and from just being
tired. My sweet husband asks what he can do and all I can think is “I don’t
know”. I WISH I knew. I wish someone could just tell me exactly what to do and
it would fix everything. The problem is
there’s so many different people telling you so many different things. Do
this, don’t do that, have you tried _____? I mean, who do you listen to? I
would get SO annoyed with anyone who told me to “cherish every moment”… how the
heck am I supposed to do that? And then I’d feel like a failure because I wasn’t
enjoying motherhood very much at all at the moment.
I leaned towards just rolling with it, but I was so
exhausted emotionally and physically that then I was all anxious about having a
breakdown. This is even while we were living with my parents and my mom helped
me sometimes. But the thought of soon moving to be on our own stressed and
frightened me too. My sister-in-law reminded me that in order for my little one
to be happy and healthy his mama needed to sleep! That means either pumping a
lot (which gets complicated when you have a baby to take care of) or getting formula
so that my husband could do feeds when he was at home or, putting him on a
schedule and teaching him to sleep. All this came with another whole set of
emotional stress… I’m his mother, I’m supposed to be able to feed and care for
him. Having someone else feed him or giving formula felt like I was failing in
a huge way. My whole life I’ve wanted to
be a mom, now here I am feeling as though I am failing miserably. Welcome
to reality I guess. It’s incredibly humbling to say the least.
I also had to work through being concerned about what other moms
might think… I can’t seem to figure this out when others have. Are they going
to look down on me for not being able to handle it? I had to talk to God a lot
about my concerns about being “successful” and having everything under control
and being too concerned about other’s opinions.
I’ve had my pride
crushed… I’m having to swallow it whole. I’m learning to be OK with not
having all the answers or having it all together. There are many times I just
feel like hiding away, afraid of being judged. But I know I need others around
me for encouragement. I have family members and friends who love me and understand
how hard it can be. I need to ask for help, for prayer. And I’m so thankful for
different family members taking the time to talk and give advice, and for the
encouragement of many others.
Motherhood is not easy. Whatever you might think, however it
may appear, it’s not! Even if you don’t happen to struggle much at first, it
will humble you eventually. At times it will mean having your pride utterly
crushed. Motherhood is about growing in
patience, genuine self-less love, self-control. It’s about learning how much
you need God and others.
I’m in the middle of a big mess. I’m trying to work things
through with God. I’m trying to figure out what’s best for me and my son. It’s
hard, it’s tiring, there’s SO much uncertainty! But there’s God and His grace, baby smiles and giggles. It’s enough.
