Our Journey Into Autism

This is Daniel, our third child who’s not yet 3.5. He was a surprise baby and my pregnancy was quite rough because of difficult external factors, but he was a gift to me and our family that God knew we needed. Once we revised some oral ties, he was definitely my easiest baby and was developing normally physically and otherwise from what we could tell. But by 2.5 he was still not really talking and we began to be concerned that he also wasn’t understanding things like he should. We also began to realize some sensory and funny little behaviors that slowly began to increase. He began Early Intervention and then at age 3 transferred to doing speech therapy at a local kid’s therapy spot, adding Occupational Therapy shortly thereafter. The end of October we finally had an autism specialist do a short observation to tell us if we should pursue further evaluation/tests. By that point in time we were not shocked that recommendation was that we should, and early December after a full evaluation he has an official Autism diagnosis that is “moderate to severe”. (For reference, one of the three tests he scored an 80 - normal is 59 or less and 80 put him in the "severe" range for this one.)

When we were first confronted with the likelihood that he was on the spectrum there were a lot of mixed feelings, and there continued to be all the way up to the day I received the report with the official diagnosis written on it: Autism Spectrum Disorder. Actually seeing those words written on the report impacted me a little more than I expected. As with any special needs diagnosis, this certainly changes a lot. It changes how I imagined our family operating or doing all sorts of things, and it changes how we would have done homeschooling (we still plan to homeschool him, but obviously it will look very different), and of course this impacts our family life and his siblings as well. It already makes things very busy (having a busy 8 month old as well right now it's like I have two toddlers) and it makes it more difficult for me to do simple things that I would otherwise be able to do (like socializing, group activities, or being able to sit in church regularly). One blessing is that our family already has quite a bit of practice with special needs. I have an older brother with significant developmental delays (unknown origin - he had various testing and they don't know what it is that caused that) and I grew up helping him with various things (currently, he and my oldest, who is 7, are best buds). Then there's my nephew who was born last year with Down's Syndrome. 

 

When things like this happen, there can be lots of “why’s” or “how’s”. The common stories you may have heard are from parents who's autistic child wasn't always that way - they had a regression (this almost always occurs some kind of trauma or introduced toxins) but other autism isn't tied to any one event, it's something they've had from birth, although most of the time it isn't obvious in behavior/speech until 2-3 years old. For Daniel, there were very small signs looking back but they weren't noticed or weren't things that initially concerned us (example, his sounds/babbling as a baby was more limited). And we had no regressions – in general he just got to a point where he just never kept progressing as a normal kid should, and at the same time his sensory seeking gradulally increased as he got older. Ultimately, scientists/doctors still don’t know for sure exactly how or why autism occurs - they do know that there are various factors that need to come together to create the “perfect storm” that results in diagnosis’ like this, but "HOW" this happens is more the mystery. Not to mention, the precise factors actually involved is different for each person. Genetics are big factor; other factors are disruption in early pregnancy during crucial brain development, mother’s emotional state during pregnancy, toxins (vaccines, medications or other toxins during pregnancy or shortly after birth), or birth trauma. Daniel had no birth trauma and I'm aware of no toxins that he would have gotten. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out all the “why’s” so I try not to think about it too much. You can do your best and try and do everything right, but often there are things beyond your control or knowledge. As a Christian, my hope lies in a God who isn’t surprised by things not happening the way they are “supposed” to, who knew long before we did that Daniel would be born “special” in development and needs. There have been times when “why me/him?” comes to mind, but “why not?” We live in a fallen world and sometimes things go wrong. As hard as this is, I also recognize that he could be a lot worse - many families struggle with more difficult and higher need children. Still, this is our suffering we are called to endure. My husband reminded me of this verse from 1 Peter: 

 

“After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you” (1 Peter 5:10). 

 

 God will walk with us through this journey, just has He has through our lives thus far.  And He will work in and through it for our good and His glory. My dear husband also reminded me, that the worst thing in the world is not a special needs diagnosis.... the worst thing in the world would be for any of our children to not know and belong to Jesus. May my first prayer always be for Daniel to know the Lord and love the One who gave Himself for us - as much as I hope and pray he'll grow up to live a "normal" life, everything else is secondary to his soul belonging to Jesus and knowing we'll see him in heaven one day. 

 

But as his parents, we also want to do whatever we can to help his body/brain function optimally, or to even rebuild. We caught this early and while it will be challenging, I do hold onto the hope that with therapy and hard work he can grow up to be high-functioning and largely independent. Since this past summer we’ve been exploring various things to assist in the health and development of his body and brain. A friend told me about folinic acid and we did see a noticeable increase in his speech at least. We’re also seeing a naturopath and working on some things health-wise.  He’s still currently doing speech and OT, but we’re in the process of pursing ABA therapy, and praying for the right therapists to work with him/our family. The biggest reason we pursued a diagnosis was to open the door to more therapy options (and insurance coverage). 

 

 If you have a child with special needs, I’d love to hear your experience and what things have helped them or you, or how God has blessed and worked in and through you through this journey. Community and encouragement in our trials and struggles are immense blessings, I hope I can be a help and encouragement to someone reading this too. 

The Great Support: Josiah's Birth Story

 This last pregnancy was not an easy one. Especially upon entering the third trimester, the acid reflux, constipation, back pain and general discomfort was much MUCH more than with any of my other babies. I was getting hints from the midwife that the baby seemed on the bigger side but was trying not to think about it too much. I prayed for him to come early for these multiple reasons. There's the temptation of giving into fear as birth approaches, and I daily worked to set my mind with faith for the strength God would provide. 

                                    Inspirational collage I made for leading up to and during labor: 

I was pretty disappointed to not be planning a home birth this time. Having had the last two at home, I had a hard time looking forward to the sterile, un-homey hospital delivery and everything that came with it. But I also trusted that God had a different plan this time around and accepted it, doing what I could to plan a way to make it as cozy and homey as I could. And I was thankfully afforded a Doula through our insurance which was super nice! (If you don't want to read the details of the labor/birth you can now skip down to "God's Fingerprints".)

Earlier in the week I began feeling very nauseous - for about 2 days I was in bed most of the day and couldn't hardly even eat. Thursday I felt better, then Friday was back to normal (pregnancy "normal" anyway) and was able to eat and get some things done. I'd been having Braxon Hicks contractions on and off for weeks, but Thursday night they seemed a little more consistent/stronger. However, when I went to bed they dissipated. Again, Friday early evening they picked up and I laid down for awhile to see if they would again die down, however this time they didn't. This was my first hint that labor might be starting. I went to bed to try and get some sleep. Around 10PM I told Mike that they were fairly consistent but 12 minutes apart and to get some sleep! 

Saturday, May 10^th:

Around 3am I timed again (8 minutes) and in the middle of the contraction my water completely broke all over our bed! I got up and called the doctor and they said to come in. So, after calling Auntie Alicia to come stay with the older siblings and letting our Doula (Faith) know, I woke up Daddy and we got a few final things packed. Mike said he felt like this was the closest thing we've had to one of those movie-style trips to the hospital, as it was a half hour drive, the contractions were pretty regular at that point, and he did drive fast! We got to the hospital around 4am. Faith arrived a little behind us after we were settled in the labor room and things began picking up fairly soon after. I started laboring, and then pushing on my knees with the labor ball, but after awhile the doctor really encouraged me to move to my back at least for a bit and that actually did seem to be better and I made some more progress. The doctor was also great about coaching my pushing/breathing to be more effective. I think perhaps she at least realized at that point he was on the bigger side and this might be difficult. And man, it was…. I was having to push incredibly hard! When he was in the process of coming out, suddenly a bunch more people came in the room and there was a flurry of activity, people around, pushing on me, pulling – I was so focused on pushing so hard that I didn’t have time to think much about it, but I found out afterwards that baby’s shoulder was stuck coming out (Shoulder Dystocia). Mike and the doctor could see the top of the baby's head crowning but he was not progressing. They had to do some maneuvers to help him turn a bit so he could come out. Thankfully everything they did was very effective and it was only about half a minute to get him unstuck and out he came! 

God's Fingerprints

 

Josiah David Coburn was born at 6:52 AM. They said they needed take him to the warmer right away and I said OK - That moment was a little scary for both of us but I trusted that they knew what he needed. He was more purple than my other babies had been. He was fine, just a little “stunned”. Honestly, so was I... It was all so intense. Mike called from over by the warmer “He’s crying Sweetie, do you hear him?” And then I did… the sweetest sound! They checked him over to be sure he was OK and also did a quick weight…. Mike said “Amelia, did you hear that??? 11 pounds 7 ounces!!” (He was also tall, 22 inches!) I was shocked, I couldn’t believe it! Everyone in the room was pretty amazed (and he was the talk of the ward for the next few days at least)! They brought him over to my chest and then we got to just rest. He went straight to size 1 diapers and won’t get to wear any of the newborn clothes we have, but he’s SO sweet and cuddly! 

 

I got my prayer answered that he would come early (6 days early). May 10th was also one of my first choices of a birth date (although I wouldn't have complained at all had he come earlier) - since all my other kids have easy-to-remember birth dates, this one just *had* to cooperate! 

That we ended up having a hospital birth, was another answered prayer (that we didn't even know about ahead of time). While I still wholeheartedly believe homebirth's are safe (home birth midwives are trained to deal with complications like Shoulder Dystocia - see HERE) and I think everything would have been fine, it was such a quick and difficult labor that I am ultimately grateful to have been in the hospital this time (especially since the first 24 hours after were pretty rough recovery-wise). So it was really nice to have the extra support and help afterwards. Recovery for me has and will be a little slower this time (the normal healing from birth, plus stitches and I also pulled some muscles in my back) but we're getting there! Josiah is nursing like a champ and doing well!

 

Josiah is named after the boy-king in the Bible that zealously followed the Lord and his name means “The Lord supports”. Indeed, God greatly supported me through this pregnancy and birth! David is also a kingly Biblical name and means “Beloved”. We pray the Lord would indeed support this child as he does His other beloved children and that he will follow God with all his heart. To God be the glory!

                                                   So thankful to finally be able to snuggle him!

Also thankful for this dear husband of mine, there to hold my hand through it all. 

(Reading me some Scripture here as well.)

                                                                            Going Home!!!

Book Review: Finding the Hero in Your Husband

Book Review: Finding the Hero in Your Husband: Embracing Your Power in Marriage by Dr. Juli Slattery

I came across this book in recently looking for some counseling resources for wives. I have read various books for women/wives but most of them tend to either lean quite egalitarian or too heavily on the other end (I would even say they lean patriarchal even though they would ALL claim to be "complementarian" (I'm thinking of Rachel Jonkovic/Doug Wilson crew, but even some like Voddie Baucham and Martha Peace who are super respected in very Biblical churches I have found to be lacking in what I would consider a true Biblically-balanced "complementarianism"). In coming across this book, I was honestly a little skeptical at first - she's trained as a psychologist - and most of the time I find these types do not have a good balance (both Biblically/theologically but in also how this plays out in their counseling). However, she seemed pretty Biblical from my basic research so I gave it a try. To my surprise, I got through the first chapter and said to my husband "I think this might be the be the best, most Biblically-balanced book for wives I've ever read." On page 7 there is this quote: "A woman never marries the man of her dreams. She helps the man she marries to become the man of his dreams." More specifically, Juli goes on to say that God has given us power in our marriage to help our husband become the hero and man GOD wants him to be (not so much the one WE want him to be). 

Not only does Juli have a background/training in counseling and understanding complex human psychology but she has had a not-easy marriage herself. In addition, and maybe most importantly, she has a solid understanding of the teaching of Scripture on marriage. I also want to add, that Juli is VERY gentle in how she writes. For example, she doesn't presume that her readers automatically accept the Biblical teaching of "submission" and realizes there 1) has been a lot of flat-out wrong or mis-teaching of this topic even in the church, and 2) there is a Biblical balance. She also acknowledges more than once that abuse/serious sin issues are unique and require specialized counseling and help beyond the scope of her book. She is very honest with her/their own marriage struggles, where she's had to learn and grow and is very thorough in going through various topics. Her main focus is intimacy - which must involve a lot of things not just the physical side of things. For true intimacy there must be good communication, submission to Scripture, genuine love and respect, understanding, the ability to work through conflict, etc. From the need (and sometimes fear) we have about feeling safe and needing "closeness" in our marriage, communication, working through conflict, submission (what it does and does NOT mean), sex, the "big 3" conflict issues (fiances, parenting & in-laws), and more, and she walks you through Biblical passages, examples from he counseling experience (as well as her own), and practical steps/encouragement. There is SO many practical examples and advice of how you should love your husband well so that you are 1) loving him instead of putting him down, and 2) empowering him and not enabling. At this point in my marriage, our marriage is pretty good - but there were still lots of really good reminders and encouragements that I needed to hear. And she echo'd a lot of things I personally learned during a very hard season of our marriage.

I highly recommend this book to wives, or even women who are waiting or are soon-to-be wives. Biblically balanced, practical and SO inspiring and encouraging!

P.S. I'm currently working through another one of Juli's books which I will review when I'm done. If you'd like to check out her other books/resources her website can be found HERE. There's also videos/interviews she's done that you can find online.

P.S.S. Some might notice the forward is by Jackie Hill Perry - I will rightly acknowledge that her theology/viewpoints have been concerning lately, but I don't consider her endorsement of this book a concern.