Our Journey Into Autism

This is Daniel, our third child who’s not yet 3.5. He was a surprise baby and my pregnancy was quite rough because of difficult external factors, but he was a gift to me and our family that God knew we needed. Once we revised some oral ties, he was definitely my easiest baby and was developing normally physically and otherwise from what we could tell. But by 2.5 he was still not really talking and we began to be concerned that he also wasn’t understanding things like he should. We also began to realize some sensory and funny little behaviors that slowly began to increase. He began Early Intervention and then at age 3 transferred to doing speech therapy at a local kid’s therapy spot, adding Occupational Therapy shortly thereafter. The end of October we finally had an autism specialist do a short observation to tell us if we should pursue further evaluation/tests. By that point in time we were not shocked that recommendation was that we should, and early December after a full evaluation he has an official Autism diagnosis that is “moderate to severe”. (For reference, one of the three tests he scored an 80 - normal is 59 or less and 80 put him in the "severe" range for this one.)

When we were first confronted with the likelihood that he was on the spectrum there were a lot of mixed feelings, and there continued to be all the way up to the day I received the report with the official diagnosis written on it: Autism Spectrum Disorder. Actually seeing those words written on the report impacted me a little more than I expected. As with any special needs diagnosis, this certainly changes a lot. It changes how I imagined our family operating or doing all sorts of things, and it changes how we would have done homeschooling (we still plan to homeschool him, but obviously it will look very different), and of course this impacts our family life and his siblings as well. It already makes things very busy (having a busy 8 month old as well right now it's like I have two toddlers) and it makes it more difficult for me to do simple things that I would otherwise be able to do (like socializing, group activities, or being able to sit in church regularly). One blessing is that our family already has quite a bit of practice with special needs. I have an older brother with significant developmental delays (unknown origin - he had various testing and they don't know what it is that caused that) and I grew up helping him with various things (currently, he and my oldest, who is 7, are best buds). Then there's my nephew who was born last year with Down's Syndrome. 

 

When things like this happen, there can be lots of “why’s” or “how’s”. The common stories you may have heard are from parents who's autistic child wasn't always that way - they had a regression (this almost always occurs some kind of trauma or introduced toxins) but other autism isn't tied to any one event, it's something they've had from birth, although most of the time it isn't obvious in behavior/speech until 2-3 years old. For Daniel, there were very small signs looking back but they weren't noticed or weren't things that initially concerned us (example, his sounds/babbling as a baby was more limited). And we had no regressions – in general he just got to a point where he just never kept progressing as a normal kid should, and at the same time his sensory seeking gradulally increased as he got older. Ultimately, scientists/doctors still don’t know for sure exactly how or why autism occurs - they do know that there are various factors that need to come together to create the “perfect storm” that results in diagnosis’ like this, but "HOW" this happens is more the mystery. Not to mention, the precise factors actually involved is different for each person. Genetics are big factor; other factors are disruption in early pregnancy during crucial brain development, mother’s emotional state during pregnancy, toxins (vaccines, medications or other toxins during pregnancy or shortly after birth), or birth trauma. Daniel had no birth trauma and I'm aware of no toxins that he would have gotten. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out all the “why’s” so I try not to think about it too much. You can do your best and try and do everything right, but often there are things beyond your control or knowledge. As a Christian, my hope lies in a God who isn’t surprised by things not happening the way they are “supposed” to, who knew long before we did that Daniel would be born “special” in development and needs. There have been times when “why me/him?” comes to mind, but “why not?” We live in a fallen world and sometimes things go wrong. As hard as this is, I also recognize that he could be a lot worse - many families struggle with more difficult and higher need children. Still, this is our suffering we are called to endure. My husband reminded me of this verse from 1 Peter: 

 

“After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you” (1 Peter 5:10). 

 

 God will walk with us through this journey, just has He has through our lives thus far.  And He will work in and through it for our good and His glory. My dear husband also reminded me, that the worst thing in the world is not a special needs diagnosis.... the worst thing in the world would be for any of our children to not know and belong to Jesus. May my first prayer always be for Daniel to know the Lord and love the One who gave Himself for us - as much as I hope and pray he'll grow up to live a "normal" life, everything else is secondary to his soul belonging to Jesus and knowing we'll see him in heaven one day. 

 

But as his parents, we also want to do whatever we can to help his body/brain function optimally, or to even rebuild. We caught this early and while it will be challenging, I do hold onto the hope that with therapy and hard work he can grow up to be high-functioning and largely independent. Since this past summer we’ve been exploring various things to assist in the health and development of his body and brain. A friend told me about folinic acid and we did see a noticeable increase in his speech at least. We’re also seeing a naturopath and working on some things health-wise.  He’s still currently doing speech and OT, but we’re in the process of pursing ABA therapy, and praying for the right therapists to work with him/our family. The biggest reason we pursued a diagnosis was to open the door to more therapy options (and insurance coverage). 

 

 If you have a child with special needs, I’d love to hear your experience and what things have helped them or you, or how God has blessed and worked in and through you through this journey. Community and encouragement in our trials and struggles are immense blessings, I hope I can be a help and encouragement to someone reading this too. 

The Great Support: Josiah's Birth Story

 This last pregnancy was not an easy one. Especially upon entering the third trimester, the acid reflux, constipation, back pain and general discomfort was much MUCH more than with any of my other babies. I was getting hints from the midwife that the baby seemed on the bigger side but was trying not to think about it too much. I prayed for him to come early for these multiple reasons. There's the temptation of giving into fear as birth approaches, and I daily worked to set my mind with faith for the strength God would provide. 

                                    Inspirational collage I made for leading up to and during labor: 

I was pretty disappointed to not be planning a home birth this time. Having had the last two at home, I had a hard time looking forward to the sterile, un-homey hospital delivery and everything that came with it. But I also trusted that God had a different plan this time around and accepted it, doing what I could to plan a way to make it as cozy and homey as I could. And I was thankfully afforded a Doula through our insurance which was super nice! (If you don't want to read the details of the labor/birth you can now skip down to "God's Fingerprints".)

Earlier in the week I began feeling very nauseous - for about 2 days I was in bed most of the day and couldn't hardly even eat. Thursday I felt better, then Friday was back to normal (pregnancy "normal" anyway) and was able to eat and get some things done. I'd been having Braxon Hicks contractions on and off for weeks, but Thursday night they seemed a little more consistent/stronger. However, when I went to bed they dissipated. Again, Friday early evening they picked up and I laid down for awhile to see if they would again die down, however this time they didn't. This was my first hint that labor might be starting. I went to bed to try and get some sleep. Around 10PM I told Mike that they were fairly consistent but 12 minutes apart and to get some sleep! 

Saturday, May 10^th:

Around 3am I timed again (8 minutes) and in the middle of the contraction my water completely broke all over our bed! I got up and called the doctor and they said to come in. So, after calling Auntie Alicia to come stay with the older siblings and letting our Doula (Faith) know, I woke up Daddy and we got a few final things packed. Mike said he felt like this was the closest thing we've had to one of those movie-style trips to the hospital, as it was a half hour drive, the contractions were pretty regular at that point, and he did drive fast! We got to the hospital around 4am. Faith arrived a little behind us after we were settled in the labor room and things began picking up fairly soon after. I started laboring, and then pushing on my knees with the labor ball, but after awhile the doctor really encouraged me to move to my back at least for a bit and that actually did seem to be better and I made some more progress. The doctor was also great about coaching my pushing/breathing to be more effective. I think perhaps she at least realized at that point he was on the bigger side and this might be difficult. And man, it was…. I was having to push incredibly hard! When he was in the process of coming out, suddenly a bunch more people came in the room and there was a flurry of activity, people around, pushing on me, pulling – I was so focused on pushing so hard that I didn’t have time to think much about it, but I found out afterwards that baby’s shoulder was stuck coming out (Shoulder Dystocia). Mike and the doctor could see the top of the baby's head crowning but he was not progressing. They had to do some maneuvers to help him turn a bit so he could come out. Thankfully everything they did was very effective and it was only about half a minute to get him unstuck and out he came! 

God's Fingerprints

 

Josiah David Coburn was born at 6:52 AM. They said they needed take him to the warmer right away and I said OK - That moment was a little scary for both of us but I trusted that they knew what he needed. He was more purple than my other babies had been. He was fine, just a little “stunned”. Honestly, so was I... It was all so intense. Mike called from over by the warmer “He’s crying Sweetie, do you hear him?” And then I did… the sweetest sound! They checked him over to be sure he was OK and also did a quick weight…. Mike said “Amelia, did you hear that??? 11 pounds 7 ounces!!” (He was also tall, 22 inches!) I was shocked, I couldn’t believe it! Everyone in the room was pretty amazed (and he was the talk of the ward for the next few days at least)! They brought him over to my chest and then we got to just rest. He went straight to size 1 diapers and won’t get to wear any of the newborn clothes we have, but he’s SO sweet and cuddly! 

 

I got my prayer answered that he would come early (6 days early). May 10th was also one of my first choices of a birth date (although I wouldn't have complained at all had he come earlier) - since all my other kids have easy-to-remember birth dates, this one just *had* to cooperate! 

That we ended up having a hospital birth, was another answered prayer (that we didn't even know about ahead of time). While I still wholeheartedly believe homebirth's are safe (home birth midwives are trained to deal with complications like Shoulder Dystocia - see HERE) and I think everything would have been fine, it was such a quick and difficult labor that I am ultimately grateful to have been in the hospital this time (especially since the first 24 hours after were pretty rough recovery-wise). So it was really nice to have the extra support and help afterwards. Recovery for me has and will be a little slower this time (the normal healing from birth, plus stitches and I also pulled some muscles in my back) but we're getting there! Josiah is nursing like a champ and doing well!

 

Josiah is named after the boy-king in the Bible that zealously followed the Lord and his name means “The Lord supports”. Indeed, God greatly supported me through this pregnancy and birth! David is also a kingly Biblical name and means “Beloved”. We pray the Lord would indeed support this child as he does His other beloved children and that he will follow God with all his heart. To God be the glory!

                                                   So thankful to finally be able to snuggle him!

Also thankful for this dear husband of mine, there to hold my hand through it all. 

(Reading me some Scripture here as well.)

                                                                            Going Home!!!

Book Review: Finding the Hero in Your Husband

Book Review: Finding the Hero in Your Husband: Embracing Your Power in Marriage by Dr. Juli Slattery

I came across this book in recently looking for some counseling resources for wives. I have read various books for women/wives but most of them tend to either lean quite egalitarian or too heavily on the other end (I would even say they lean patriarchal even though they would ALL claim to be "complementarian" (I'm thinking of Rachel Jonkovic/Doug Wilson crew, but even some like Voddie Baucham and Martha Peace who are super respected in very Biblical churches I have found to be lacking in what I would consider a true Biblically-balanced "complementarianism"). In coming across this book, I was honestly a little skeptical at first - she's trained as a psychologist - and most of the time I find these types do not have a good balance (both Biblically/theologically but in also how this plays out in their counseling). However, she seemed pretty Biblical from my basic research so I gave it a try. To my surprise, I got through the first chapter and said to my husband "I think this might be the be the best, most Biblically-balanced book for wives I've ever read." On page 7 there is this quote: "A woman never marries the man of her dreams. She helps the man she marries to become the man of his dreams." More specifically, Juli goes on to say that God has given us power in our marriage to help our husband become the hero and man GOD wants him to be (not so much the one WE want him to be). 

Not only does Juli have a background/training in counseling and understanding complex human psychology but she has had a not-easy marriage herself. In addition, and maybe most importantly, she has a solid understanding of the teaching of Scripture on marriage. I also want to add, that Juli is VERY gentle in how she writes. For example, she doesn't presume that her readers automatically accept the Biblical teaching of "submission" and realizes there 1) has been a lot of flat-out wrong or mis-teaching of this topic even in the church, and 2) there is a Biblical balance. She also acknowledges more than once that abuse/serious sin issues are unique and require specialized counseling and help beyond the scope of her book. She is very honest with her/their own marriage struggles, where she's had to learn and grow and is very thorough in going through various topics. Her main focus is intimacy - which must involve a lot of things not just the physical side of things. For true intimacy there must be good communication, submission to Scripture, genuine love and respect, understanding, the ability to work through conflict, etc. From the need (and sometimes fear) we have about feeling safe and needing "closeness" in our marriage, communication, working through conflict, submission (what it does and does NOT mean), sex, the "big 3" conflict issues (fiances, parenting & in-laws), and more, and she walks you through Biblical passages, examples from he counseling experience (as well as her own), and practical steps/encouragement. There is SO many practical examples and advice of how you should love your husband well so that you are 1) loving him instead of putting him down, and 2) empowering him and not enabling. At this point in my marriage, our marriage is pretty good - but there were still lots of really good reminders and encouragements that I needed to hear. And she echo'd a lot of things I personally learned during a very hard season of our marriage.

I highly recommend this book to wives, or even women who are waiting or are soon-to-be wives. Biblically balanced, practical and SO inspiring and encouraging!

P.S. I'm currently working through another one of Juli's books which I will review when I'm done. If you'd like to check out her other books/resources her website can be found HERE. There's also videos/interviews she's done that you can find online.

P.S.S. Some might notice the forward is by Jackie Hill Perry - I will rightly acknowledge that her theology/viewpoints have been concerning lately, but I don't consider her endorsement of this book a concern.

Tranquility in the Midst of Loss

This past Saturday evening (June 8th) I began experiencing what reminded me of early labor pains.... Those labor pains that had brought forth the life of my other three children. But these “labor pains” would not bring life. Instead, they indicated what I had suspected for the previous 2 days (and actually worried about for about a week)… they marked the end of my 10-week pregnancy and the loss of our 4^th baby who had been growing inside me. A very rough next few hours followed after which things slowed down and I thought the worst was over. I even went to church Sunday morning! But late afternoon the cramping and heavy bleeding started again…. A little while later as I was about to tell my husband I thought maybe I should go to the hospital I instead said “I think I’m going to pass out”. Pass out I did, and my poor husband was left holding me up and trying to call 911. (Hubby did a great job staying calm and the two older kids were very curious but not traumatized.) After a free ride to the hospital, sirens and all (I managed to joke with the EMT’s and thank them for “making me feel important”) I landed in the ER. After getting fluids I felt a lot better but the bleeding didn’t stop. After several hours and some very uncomfortable exams it was decided I needed a procedure. Despite the pain and discomfort it was successful and the bleeding immediately stopped. Cramping subsided as well and I was discharged within an hour; we got home at 3:15am Monday morning. After a hug from my mom who was sleeping on the couch (they came to watch the kids so Mike could join me at the hospital) I collapsed in bed. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. I slept a decent amount on Monday (we managed to get my husband a nap too - he hadn’t gotten much sleep either and was taking the day off to care for me and the kids). A day later and I am feeling much better, just need some more time and rest to get back to normal (I'm still tired, very low energy, dealing with headaches, etc.)

 

I have had family and friends walk through miscarriage, but there’s always something about experiencing a suffering/loss for yourself for you to truly understand. The early waiting, the anxious feelings, the uncertainty/not knowing causes you to be reminded of how much you can't control. A more traumatic miscarriage with complications was certainly even worse to deal with, but I have had so much hope and faith knowing that our good God knows infinitely more than we do and has taken our little one to His own arms. But still my extended family, husband, children and I grieve the loss of not being able to hold them in ours. I greatly appreciate prayers as my body recovers and as our family grieves. I had come across the meme below nearly a year ago and thought it was so precious that I shared it for those who had experienced loss; now I share it for me.

 

Heaven will be sweet enough with Jesus there, but it just got a little bit more precious.

 

 

This passage I read over and over sitting in the ER (Psalm 16):

 

 

We do not know for sure if our baby was a boy or girl (which honestly bothers me more than I thought - I think because it removes some of the individuality), but we did choose a name:

 

Shiloh is a gender-neutral name of Hebrew origin, meaning “tranquil,” ”His gift” or “He whose it is.” This spiritual title is also the name of the place where Israelites used to assemble to meet with God.

 

True tranquility and peace is only found in God, in the hope of the Gospel of Christ giving himself for our sin and our full surrender to Him in response. Without Him, there is no hope. There is no life. Only death. Through all the moments of trial and suffering I've had in my life God has walked with me, humbled me (which isn't fun but necessary), shown me more of Himself, and brought His perfect hope and strength. 

 

May God's tranquility walk with you as you submit yourself to Him in whatever season you walk through.

 

 

"Being Elisabeth Elliot" by Ellen Vaughn - BOOK REVIEW

I finally got to reading this book! If Ellen Vaughn’s first book (“Becoming Elisabeth Elliot” which tells the first half of Elisabeth's life) was excellent, than this second part was something far beyond that. It was really hard to put down…. I for sure lost some sleep this past week being up reading. And I wept at the end. (I had a good idea/spoilers of the ending ahead of time, but still, I wept.)  I should also add that the only disappointing aspect of this 2-part biography was there were NO PICTURES! (If you'd like some, and a timeline of her life, here's a great resource: https://elisabethelliot.org/about/timeline/)

 

I so appreciate how Ellen wrote this book. Like Ellen, I am a realist. Like her and Elisabeth I know that those we admire should never be put on pedestals as (near) perfect saints. Like her and Elisabeth, I want the whole truth to be spoken, regardless of other people’s opinions/reactions. And Ellen modeled, “speaking the truth in love”.... although I know I could grow in that particular aspect - I am probably more like Elisabeth in that regard.

 

I left the reading of this book with two emotions. One was utter sadness at the ending of Elisabeth’s life and the wrong/hard last years she suffered… largely because her views on marriage/submission were rather sadly twisted (which caused her and many she advised harm). My heart broke so for her (and her daughter/family members who had to watch) as it does for other women stuck in similar controlling marriages (this is a passionate area for me, one I’ve written about and continue to speak out about). While submission is one aspect of marriage, while someone making you “feel like a woman” is great, there is so much more to what God’s design is. Elisabeth desperately wanted to feel secure, she missed the signs of Lars’ anger/control issues (although to give her some credit, so did everyone else around her), and she believed that a wife’s submission meant inferiority and being under a husband’s authority (which I agree Jim’s unintentional but unfortunate treatment of her during their early courtship contributed to - see the first book for more on that). Marriage was not intended by God to be authoritarian, even though because of sin, it often ended up that way. Marriage, as in Ephesians 5, is mutual submission, it is not one-sided, even though the wives’ submission is emphasized, and the husband's responsibility to love is emphasized. It is supposed to be mutual love, respect, submission, Christ-like giving, working together for the kingdom of God. Elisabeth, for her part, tried to do just that. But unfortunately, she married a man who actually wanted to control her, not love her like Christ. There are still abusive, controlling men (and women) in churches today. There are popular pastors teaching authority/submission imbalance in marriage, overlooking and even defending abusive behavior (even actual abuse that should be reported to the police), all the while teaching on “God’s grace” and “love for others”. If Elisabeth’s third marriage saddens and rather makes you angry that’s good… but pay attention to the fact that it’s still happening all around us. I should clarify here that I am a committed "soft" complementarian... I cannot reconcile the Egalitarian views on gender/marriage with Scripture. However, many "complementarians" are actually authoritarians or defenders of "Biblical patriarchy" so it's very important that we are careful and clear about what we mean in this area. For more reading on this topic, I highly recommend THIS series.

 

The other emotion I was left with after reading this book was still, a very great admiration. Elisabeth was human, she made mistakes… but still, I came away admiring her faith, her endurance through so much suffering, her commitment to what she believed, her willingness to “tell it like it is”. She spoke out about many things and was indeed rather a “seer” in her generation. Despite being married to a controlling false believer for the last period of her life, God used this season for her to write most of her books and influence thousands for Christ. Our suffering is never for nothing, and despite our/others' sin, God uses us. 

 

Elisabeth was a faithful servant of God who persevered to the end… I seek to learn from her, follow her example in some ways and to do better in other ways, and earnestly praise God for the good He did in and through her life. 

 

My Response to Why I Warn Against the Wilsons

 A friend of mine recently asked me why I didn't like Rachel Jankovic (author and daughter of Pastor Doug Wilson) and thought she was a hypocrite. Here is my response. (I will probably add to this as time goes on and I have more time to write more specific things.)

So my primary concern with Rachel is her affiliation and similar teaching/theology as her father (thus this post is about "the Wilson's"). I have done extensive digging into his theology, character, and handing of church/other matters and would put him in the category of a false teacher. There are too many serious concerns to not to. I believe his teaching to be dangerous. In fact, I consider Doug Wilson a dangerous false teacher and an abusive narcissist. So, while I will admit I have not thoroughly examined Rachel's writing/speaking very specifically, as she and her father work together and teach/hold to the same things I haven’t felt it was necessary to spend the time to do that. 

 

As for their hypocrisy... a hypocrite is someone who says one thing and does another. If someone claims to be an orthodox, Biblical teacher, but teaches things that are opposed to, even offensive to the truths of Orthodox Christianity, than umm yeah that makes them a hypocrite. So the real issue here is whether or not what the Wilson's teach is consistent with Scripture and Orthodox Christianity.

 

I will below list my main areas of concern with the Wilson's (and by this I mean Doug Wilson, his family or really anyone associated with him). Please note I don’t necessarily agree with everything his critics say or believe themselves, but when it comes to the topic(s) at hand, I believe they are absolutely right in their critique and concerns. Those who have gleaned good things from the Wilson's may think they are just throwing stones, but most of them have tried very hard to be fair in their critiques and concerns. Some of these are or seem small, but small things add up as well. Small flaws in character add up to bigger ones. The more small things I saw, the more I slowly became concerned. It will take some time for you to get through all this…. It was several months of me listening, reading and researching to come to the convictions I have now.

 

Doug Wilson’s questionable (heretical?) theology: It is important to say that a lot of what the Wilson's say, *seems* orthodox and right, and a lot of it IS orthodox. However, their false doctrine/teaching is extremely sneaky and subtle. I will share a lot of what others have written/said since they have done more extensive work and say it better than I could.

 

His view of Justification This is one of the biggest and most serious concerns. I really don’t have time to write out a whole explanation and argument, plus the two below do it very well:

https://theocast.org/is-doug-wilson-a-false-teacher/

https://thelondonlyceum.com/on-justification-doug-wilson-and-the-moscow-doctrine/

 

On Federal Vision: This is rather complex, but to summarize for you, Wilson says he’s Reformed, but the views he holds on the Covenants and on justification do not line up with traditional/orthodox Reformed theology. A lot of Reformed people outside his camp have serious concerns with views on this (and obviously Arminians would strongly disagree with him in this area of theology as well).  https://carm.org/about-theology/what-is-federal-vision-theology-and-is-it-biblical/

 

(P.S. Doug Wilson has claimed he no longer holds to “Federal Vision” however, it is very important to note that he has NOT rejected the theology that Federal Vision holds to - and that is the problem. In other words, he’s rejecting the label but keeping the theology. Tricksy… and completely hypocritical.)

 

Views on men’s/women’s roles:  The more I have read/heard from the Wilson's on this topic, the more I have been seriously concerned - and downright disgusted. The extreme patriarchy is very subtle at times, but I would assert is NOT in line with Biblical complementarianism. Again, they say a lot of things thare are actually right or at least *seem* right, but digging deeper I have often seen some red flags and have thoughts like “ehhh I’m not sure that’s quite right/balanced”. And on further study, I've found their view to not be in line with Scripture. As Rachel has written more about the area of womenhood it's important to address her specifically here. But as she is collusion with her father, I cannot freely trust her view on being a Biblical woman/wife/mother. While I have seen she does have many good and right things to say, there are also some huge concerns and wrong theology... At best, I would have to give too many cautions to feel I could recommend her to anyone. 

 Here's an article documenting the abusive teaching on a wife's obligation to submit to rape: https://www.vice.com/en/article/inside-the-church-that-preaches-wives-need-to-be-led-with-a-firm-hand/

Here is something from Rachel's own mouth... she's being grossly mistreated/controlled and doesn't even see it... seriously? What Christ-like husband would treat his brand new wife like this???: https://www.facebook.com/ExaminingMoscow/videos/346749201336488 

And while we're at it, here's another video from Rachel with a rather shocking condemning and hypocritical attitude. Other's "know for absolute certain?" You're a woman, you can't do anything right - that is the main message I've gotten from Rachel.  https://www.facebook.com/ExaminingMoscow/videos/1920306348165019

And one more for you: 

I can also talk about Nancy Wilson and her parenting advice.... you can watch clips of her "Biblical parenting advice" here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75lZfjq_GWg  The whole Wilson family also appears in this video - notice the gaslighting from several of them - Dean (the host/critic) is really good at pointing out the red flags you should notice. (P.S This is very similar to the Pearl's borderline(at best?) abusive parenting advice - STAY AWAY! P.S.S. I am not at all anti-spanking, I think it can be fine done correctly, but it can very easily be done wrongly.)

I will add here that I have personal experience of having to submit to and respect a husband who was in the wrong - who was going the wrong direction theologically - it was hard, I had to learn and grow a lot in my obedience to God in my submission and attitude towards my husband, however, my complementarianism/beliefs about submission are NOT the same as the Wilson's. I would absolutely not put them in the same category.  

I have seen too many quotes and heard things Doug Wilson himself has said that are downright demeaning to women and completely unbiblical. Here’s an example: It might just be a woman's fault if she gets raped.... “But women who genuinely insist on ‘no masculine protection’ are really women who tacitly agree on the propriety of rape.” (Douglas Wilson, Her Hand in Marriage, p. 13) (And no, I’m not taking this out of context, you can read more in articles I’ve shared).

 

Here’s some people who have written about concerns in this area:

https://fullmetalpatriarchy.wordpress.com/category/doug-wilson/

https://mereorthodoxy.com/sex-submission-and-evangelicals-doug-wilson-controversial-words

https://spiritualsoundingboard.com/2016/01/15/pastor-doug-wilson-on-rape-submission-feminists-and-boobs/

 

Doug Wilson/Christ’s church handing of sexual sin and sexual abuse:

This is another HUGE concern. I'm not sure there is another area of all of life that makes me more angry than the ignoring/injustice of abuse in "Christian" environments. If I were to curse like Doug Wilson and his crew does, this is where I'd do it. Not only do the above patriarch views allow for this kind of thing to flourish, there continues to be very little accountability or serious concern for protecting others and dealing with abusers appropriately. There has been NO admission of “hey maybe we got this wrong” only defensive tactics. I have looked into this probably the most extensively - I have listened to the victims and others who witnessed the situation(s), read reports, the actual court cases, etc.

You can find more information about the abuse cases at this link (which also provides links to actual court cases): https://bredenhof.ca/2023/07/10/doug-wilson-the-ugly/

 

Another article on this issue:

https://religiondispatches.org/sexual-abuse-is-inevitable-in-christian-patriarchy-just-take-a-look-at-doug-wilsons-christ-church-and-its-new-documentary-eve-in-exile-the-restoration-of-femininity/

 

Other personal/character concerns:

His crude language and sexualized content. This is mentioned in several of the resources I’ve shared, but worth stating again. Much of it is downright disgusting and inappropriate for a Christian. I have directly read and personally listened to SO many crude things, and swear words (F-word, s-word, d-word and so much more) from Doug Wilson and from others who work closely with him. I will not link any videos or proof of this one but it's easy to find. They literally throw these words around the same as an unbeliever would. Is this really the kind of people you want to recommend to others?

 

Also, when he first was trying to become pastor of his current church, the elders didn’t think he conformed to their statement of faith (mainly having to do with his view of justification above). They asked him to either conform or step down. Instead, he mobilized church members to support him and basically forced the other elders to resign/leave and took over the leadership of the church. It was a forcible power struggle that he won. This is not an appropriate way to be any kind of respectable leader and I consider this a very bad indication of his character - but it lines up with other control issues that are reported. (This whole thing is common knowledge and a number of people have written about it - it’s mentioned in several of the resources I shared.) The main reason Wilson formed his own denomination is that none of the other main (Presbyterian Church of America is where he first tried to join) denominations would accept him. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with starting your own denomination, but if it’s because you can’t find a single one you could at least be acceptable in - that indicates a problem. Not to mention I'm pretty sure he's just a narcissist who wants to be in complete control.

 

 

Other resources:

I would recommend checking out this facebook page (they are also on Instagram) - I wouldn’t agree with all their angles or everything they say, but they bring to light a lot of what I mentioned above and a lot of provide evidence in videos, quotes, documents, etc. https://www.facebook.com/ExaminingMoscow

 

This is written by a unitarian, so obviously there are some things in there we wouldn’t agree with him on, however he tries to be fairly fair and goes through some of the other things mentioned above as well as some I didn’t take the time to mention (i.e. Doug Wilson’s controlling nature, sloppy writing and references in writing, his view on slavery in America, his extreme patriarchy, extreme political views, etc. - all of which I would agree are concerning).

https://www.webpages.uidaho.edu/ngier/wilsonempire.htm

 

 

In closing, so yes, I absolutely warn against the Wilson's, and anyone associated with them. If you're not convinced yet, take the time to listen to/read through the links provided.

Mama’s Tips for A Stress-Free Sunday

Sunday morning we go to church. Church is very important to us for various reasons. It’s important enough to be there weekly, to be on time, and for our kids to learn to behave/sit still so they are learning/participating and not being distracting to others.

 

Currently, my husband is teaching the adult Sunday School class at our church so we have to be leaving the driveway at 8:45 AM (and can’t be late!). Our kids (currently) have just turned 5, 3 and 1. Two years ago we lived down the street from church, so I stayed home with two littles ones while Mike went early to (again) teach Sunday School, and I got myself, a toddler and a baby ready and up to church by myself. So I have figured out a good routine to 1) make Sunday morning (mostly) stress-free and 2) get us to church on time! (I say mostly because as we all know, the unexpected happens with kids and they don't always wake up on the "right" side of the bed!) At the end I’m also going to share some tips for being in church with little ones and how to make that less stressful (and less distracting for others).

 

The #1 tip I’m going to give you for a stress-free Sunday morning is this: Prep Saturday night! I don’t think I can emphasize enough how important this is! It’s so important that I do not make plans Saturday evening if I can help it. You might not think there’s much to prep, but I’ll bet you’re running around Sunday morning before church doing at least most of these things. Doing all this Saturday evening, means (you guessed it) you don’t have to do it Sunday morning (AND you don’t have a messy house to make it feel more stressful). So here's my general Saturday evening routine:

 

1. Clean up: After dinner, the kids play (with Daddy or by themselves) and I clean up after dinner. I do the dishes, wipe counters (etc.), pick up our kitchen/living area (it’s all one room in our very small apartment) and vacuum. Having a clean house reduces stress over all, and means I have less to do late at night/in the morning…. Or later on Sunday for that matter!

 

2. Bathe kids. Around 7:15 is bath time for the kids. I wash their hair and then let them play for a while while I finish cleaning or move on to the next thing.

 

3. Pre-pack diaper bag. Diapers, extra clothes (for the baby at least), snacks, water bottle are the usual things I have to refill/check. Sometimes the diaper bag needs a quick cleaning out so I’ll do that too if needed.

 

4. Prep kids’ room so it’s ready for bed. I basically do this every night if it’s not already picked up… just a quick clean-up so it’s not a mess. Then I close the curtains and get their pj’s out.

 

5. Pick out clothes for Sunday. I will pick out the kid’s clothes and have them either laid out or at least obviously set-apart in case Daddy is the one to dress them. I also decide what I am going to wear as well (because I don’t want to waste time figuring that out in the morning).

 

5. By 8 the kids are out of bath and having a snack and I’m nursing the baby and getting him ready for bed. He goes down at 8:30. Then the kids have Bible Time with Daddy, brush teeth and go to bed at 9.

 

 

Sunday Morning Routine

We have a very simple and quick morning routine (an hour to an hour and 15 minutes is all we get):

 

Younger two kids are usually up around 7:30/7:45, which is when we usually get up as well. I take a shower and get dressed. Then I fix my breakfast and (try and) get kids to eat (3-year-old doesn’t like to eat breakfast usually – which is why I always have extra snacks packed for the car). My 5-year-old (Keller) usually sleeps late so I’ll often just bring him something to eat in the car… it’s wayyyy easier than waking him and trying to get him to eat. I’ll eat breakfast and do my hair, then do my daughter’s hair. I dress the baby while my husband helps Keller. Then we grab the diaper bag and Church activity bag (more on that below) and we’re out the door. The only extra things I grab are my phone and personal water bottle. (I usually do my make-up in the car since I don’t use a lot so that also saves time.)

 

If we got up earlier we could have more time for kids to eat, etc. but kids (and Mom and Dad too!) like to sleep later, and so this works for us. My biggest tip here is to figure out what time you need to leave and work backwards. Also, leave yourself 10 more minutes than you think you’ll need. As you get into a routine it may shorten, but when you’re first working on a routine you need to allow extra time (especially when you have little ones who unexpectedly will have a diaper blow-out or something). It might take some time to figure out your routine (and how much time you need) but you’ll get it! It’s worth it to have less stress and to be able to get to church on time! 

 

2024 Update: Currently, we are 40 minutes from the church my husband now pastors. We have to be heading out the door at 7:30am.  Our kids aren't big breakfast eaters so they get big reusable applesauce pouches in the car. I take my shower the night before now and we all get ready in less than an hour!

 

Tips for a less-stressful church experience with kids:

 

Work on sitting quietly at home: We didn’t start this till fairly recently, but when we have our evening “Bible Time” the two older ones are expected to sit quietly and listen. We will evolve this as time goes on and expand the time and our expectations for them. Kids can sit longer than you think. I remember being surprised when my son first sat through an entire prayer meeting (about 30 minutes) with zero issues (and he’s a very busy child)! I realized he could do a lot more than I thought he could! However, it is not fair to expect your kids to sit quietly at church if you do not practice at home.

 

Church Activity Bag: (or box or whatever!) This a bag that is ONLY for church with quiet toys, fidget toys, sticker books, books, coloring books, etc. Basically, whatever would help your particular child(ren) sit more quietly. This gives your kids something to do during the service if they get bored. We also try not to let them use the Activity Bag right away – ideally not until after the singing so they can participate in that. Kids do not “need” any kind of toys/coloring things during a service (or even during a sermon) because they can learn to sit quietly, but it’s an option, and a nice one especially when they are young.

 

If potty trained, take them to the bathroom BEFORE the service starts. This is easy to forget but it will hopefully eliminate the need for them to go during the service. This is a good general habit for adults as well... Valuing being in church means you think about even simple things like this so you’re not missing part of the service or being a distraction to others.

 

Sit in the Back: Have you ever sat behind a child in church who was fidgeting, moving a lot, and/or misbehaving? If so, you know why it’s respectful to sit near the back with your kids. If your kids are young, are still learning to sit still, and at an age where you need to be prepared to correct (or discipline) them during the service, it’s easiest and less stressful for you (not to mention much less distracting to others) if you sit in the back (or at least on the side/near an exit). I mean, full disclosure: we have on several occasions had to take a kid quickly out of church who was misbehaving…and loudly (anyone else???). So I was pretty glad we weren’t sitting up front! Valuing church means also helping others to not be distracted if you can help it. Sometimes it can’t be helped of course, and it is also important that we understand that kids make noise… and we shouldn’t segregate families or children because they can’t sit quietly like adults can. However, you can still do your part to help others be less distracted by sitting in the back with your little ones until they are at an age/stage where they can sit quietly. This is just generally respectful to others. And this will make church less stressful for you as well!  

 

I’ll add we have a general rule of no snacks in church. We haven’t always done this, but realized it was pretty distracting to others. Now my kids get snacks on the way to church (and right now they can have some during the Sunday School hour since there is no kids class), but once we’re in the sanctuary there’s no more snacks. This eliminates 1) them asking for snacks, 2) snack noises, 3) mess. The only exception to this is the baby who sometimes gets those little dissolvable baby snacks to help him be quiet (but make sure they are not the ones in loud packaging!). (Obviously nursing a baby doesn’t count either.)