Biblical Submission: What It Does NOT Mean

When most people hear the word “submission” they often link it with the following words: superiority/inferiority, head/feet… Well, let me tell you straight out that this is NOT a Biblical understanding of submission!

In the context of a Christian marriage (where both husband and wife are believers) there is a deeper relationship than just marriage. Marriage, as wonderful as it is, is temporal. In other words, your husband/wife will not be that same role in heaven. In heaven he/she will simply be your brother or sister in the Lord. Understanding this is very important because it allows you to see that your spouse is more than just your spouse, they are your brother or sister in the Lord. Further, your marriage is to reflect the perfect union of Christ and the church! 

A word to husbands: Husbands, you are to love your wife. You are to love her selflessly and sacrificially as Christ loved the church. Love, as 1 Cor 13 tells us, does not “seek its own”. In other words, it does not demand its own way, push for its own agenda, or control things according to its own desire. Love is patient, kind, gentle. It is considerate and respectful of others feelings and opinions. It does not push, it is not selfish. Men, you will ALL struggle with this because you are sinners and you naturally want your own way. It may look different from person to person, but you will all struggle to love your wife more than your own way.

Now, we get to the point of this article. Wives are called to submit to their husbands. But what does this mean? Submission is a Biblical command, but it is not one that we usually like. However, simply put, submission is love. Similarly to husbands, wives, you will struggle with this because you will often desire your own way more than doing what is right. Often loving others requires putting yourself in second place and this is what we are called to do for our husbands. In a sequel post I will get to specifics of what submission does mean, but for now….

•   Never disagreeing.

Biblical submission is not the obligation to stay silent and never disagree with your husband. You are an intelligent person and may have much to contribute to the situation at hand. Many times women have great insight to offer in making decisions and a husband should be wise enough to listen. Perhaps your husband does not allow you to do this. If that is the case it's a clue that something is not quite right... keep reading. As a human being you have value and worth before God, you are given wisdom and insight, but remember you have weaknesses too. Don’t assume that you know better than your husband (just like you don’t want him to assume the same about you!). Each of you will have strengths and weaknesses and can learn from one another. Don't be afraid to disagree, but love says be humble, willing to listen, and willing to yield.

• You exist to serve your husband.

 Some women will claim that they feel like a doormat because they feel as if exist just to serve men. This is certainly not true. You exist to serve and glorify God first and foremost. However, as a wife you were intended by God to be a “helper” to your husband. A helper, not a servant. If your husband does expect you to serve his every whim and wish there's a problem (see next point). At the same time you do need to realize you have different roles. In most cases the husband is working a job to provide for the family and the wife is at home taking care of the household. These roles may be somewhat different in your situation, but whatever the roles are they need to be clear and defined otherwise there’s confusion and disappointed expectations. There are various ways of helping your husband and one of those is serving him, showing him respect, honor, etc. There may be times where you feel like a “doormat” but that doesn’t mean you are and he’s likely not doing it intentionally. Better communication is needed. Perhaps you are struggling with being at home, you would rather not have to make dinner and do laundry and would rather be doing something else. Look at your heart… are there selfish desires driving you to be discontent? Would you rather be pursuing your own interests than the interests of others? Our purpose in life is not to seek happiness and feeling good, it is to glorify God wherever we are. This is selfishness and that is where your battle is – not with your husband. Be careful not to trust your feelings too much. See the enemy as what it really is… unfortunately it’s often our own hearts!
 

• Giving into abuse. 

Unfortunately in our fallen world there are cases where husbands are abusive. But Biblical headship is not domination and Biblical submission is not forced. Sometimes they may require things from their wives that are legitimately unreasonable. Perhaps he pressures her have everything “just so” and the way he likes it. Maybe he is in control of nearly everything, she feels threatened and manipulated into doing things and has limited freedom to make her own choices. If she feels like a doormat then, it’s probably because he IS actually treating her like one. If this is the case with you please realize that this is not healthy relationship. Pray and seek counsel on what you can do. (Keep reading, and see below!) For anyone to use force, manipulation, threats of violence or violence itself is SIN and you should not put up with it.

As you seek to communicate a disagreement/sin pattern with your husband here are some helpful pointers:

Talk to your husband. Ask him if you can talk to him about something. Encourage him in some ways first and then in a gentle, kind and non-judgmental way share with him your concerns. If he will not listen to you than seek counsel for your specific situation. 
Ask him if you can read a book together. Find a book that addresses both husbands and wives that is balanced. Remember you both need to grow in some way. Ask someone you trust for a recommendation.  

Pray for someone to disciple your husband. It might help to talk to an older, more mature man or a pastor (someone who you trust has a good marriage) about befriending your husband. If they could study various things including how to love well, marriage related studies, etc. and this would eliminate you getting involved. For a husband to be told by his wife he's not doing his job is hard for a man to take. He needs patient and gentle teaching from another man.

If he is still resistant, stay and pray or take action if needed. If your husband is a believer but is resisting the idea that he should be treating you with love and respect he is in sin and you have two options. 1) Stay and keep praying for him. Continue to speak the truth to him, but love and serve him as long as he is not causing you physical harm or causing significant emotional/spiritual distress/harm. 2) If he is causing physical harm, or emotionally/spiritually damaging you (see footnote) than he is in a sense “forcing” you to leave and seek safety. It is alright to separate from your husband under these circumstances BUT you must do it only after you have first tried previous steps. Sometimes in order for him to wake up and realize that he is in sin there needs to be consequences and marital separation is a big consequence. Go to your pastor (or a trusted Biblical counselor) for advice before acting. In cases where he will not repent and work on changing, you will need to follow the process of Church discipline laid out in Matthew 18.

In summary, Biblical submission is not forced, it is an act of love. See here for my sequel on what Biblical submission does look like!

Footnote: Emotional abuse is often hard to define and sometimes women can think they are being emotionally abused because they are having difficulties in their marriage. Now, your husband is a sinner and will sin against you, however abuse is when there is a pattern of abusive power and control. It’s often progressive, it gets worse over time, becomes more frequent over time. If he is dominating you to the point where you are “walking on eggshells” around him or you are not free to be yourself or have responsibility and control over some things within the jurisdiction of your role than you could be in an abusive relationship. See this site for more resources and advice: http://leslievernick.com/free-resources/ Or you can take this test: http://www.leslievernick.com/pdfs/Relationship-test.pdf

 

HERE is a video on non-physical abuse by Darby Strickland.

Our Real Happy Ending

I think we all know the one-line ending of every fairy tale… “and they lived happily ever after”. We relish in that, sigh and wish for our “happily ever after”. Why is this? I believe there is something in each of us that rightly longs for a happily ever after, where everything’s as it should be, justice is served, you have the one you were made to be with by your side forever.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but there is no “happily ever after” on this earth. This world is cursed because of sin and filled with sorrow, pain and tears. The only ending that you and I get at the end of this life is death, and that’s not very happy. And as if that wasn’t enough Hebrews 9:27 says, “it is appointed for men to die once, but after this the judgment”.

However, in this dismal view we have before us there is hope, there IS a happily ever after that we can indeed have. But it doesn’t come through anything or anyone here on earth. It’s not a prince charming who will rescue you from your troubles, although ironically enough, the Bible describes Him coming on a white horse! But be warned, this is no ordinary man… He is to be feared as well as loved:

Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called 

Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. Hiseyes were like a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns. He had a name written that no one knew except Himself. He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God. And the armies in heaven, clothed in fine linen, white and clean, followed Him on white horses. Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God.And He has on His robe and on His thigh a name written: KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS. 

(Rev 19:11-16)

This rider on the white horse comes as God’s Messiah, He is faithful and true, the righteous one who brings divine justice. He is awesome, mighty, He is King over all, the judge, the Word of God. This is the One you were made for, for you were created by Him, through Him and for Him. Because of sin we were separated from Him, but He loved us so much that He came and took the punishment our sin deserved in His own body on the cross. He died for us, for His bride. Then He rose again claiming the power to give new life to His people. It is by faith in Him that we are made new, that we are made more and more into His likeness, fit to be His bride. In response to this how can we not praise Him and love Him yet more and more? In Song of Songs we read this of the “Beloved”: “Like an apple tree among the trees of the woods, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down in his shade with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste” (Song of Songs 2:3). Further, the bride goes on to say, “Yes, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend” (Song of Songs 5:16). Truly He is my Beloved, the one my soul loves. There is none more lovely, none more worthy of my adoration. For, “My beloved is mine, and I am his.” (Song of Songs 2:16).

I want to leave you with this short film – it walks through Scripture giving characteristics and names of God. Watch, listen, behold your God and all that He is and may your heart be held in awe and worship the One who truly deserves your heart.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NscHCa395-M&feature=youtu.be

Reading List! (February 28, 2015)

Finished this month:

In Light of Eternity (Biography of Leonard Ravenhill) by Mack Tomlinson

I actually entirely finished this 500+ page biography of English evangelist/preacher/writer Leonard Ravenhill. Mack Tomlinson knew Leonard personally and in addition spent a lot of time researching and talking to others who knew him longer than he did. From what I’ve heard this is really the only biography of Leonard Ravenhill that there is. It covers not just Ravenhill’s life beginning in England and his move to America, but a lot about his preaching and evangelism, his prayer life, his character strengths and weaknesses, ministries he was involved with. As a young man he traveled around England and Wales preaching the Gospel, living by faith from meal to meal and learning to depend on God for everything. He was a pastor at times and worked with various ministries including with David Wilkerson in New York City for awhile and also with Keith Green and the ministry he started. He was very good friends with A.W. Tozer and influenced many other people who are still in ministry today.

There’s chapters on his evangelism “method” and experiences, his preaching, books he read (and he read a lot, especially of many great Christians of the past). There’s a chapter discussing his theology, his view on prayer and his passion for revival. There’s also a chapter with excerpts from just a few of the thousands of letters he wrote (sometimes 60-80 a week later in his life!). The amount of people he influenced through his preaching, letters and prayer meetings he led is probably beyond counting. What an inspirational man and I believe, a true modern-day prophet who spoke the word of God boldly and with an authority and passion that is rare today. I remember hearing him preach in a video and realizing that He had a special gift and anointing of the Spirit to preach. This comes mostly from his extensive prayer life (he would normally pray 6 hours a day) and from his thorough reading and study of the Bible along with many other books by the great Christians of the past. Mack Tomlinson writes, “Len’s priority was prayer before preaching. His prayer life was the power behind his powerful preaching.” (p. 309) A woman once came up to him and told him his preaching reminded her of her grandfather. When he asked who he was she replied, “Charles Spurgeon”. So if you wish you could have heard Spurgeon preach, look up Ravenhill and you’ll come pretty close!

Just a few quotes from Leonard Ravenhill:

“The worst thing that God gives us is better than the best thing Satan offers.”

“Just because there is some religious stirring in a place doesn’t necessarily mean anything. There’s also a stirring when the circus comes to town.”

“You don’t develop character by reading books; it comes only through experiencing trials and tribulations.”

“The world is not waiting for a new definition of the gospel but for a new demonstration of the power of the gospel.”

“No amount of prayer will deliver us from temptation, but it will deliver us in temptation.”

“What kind of church would my church be if all its members were just like me?”

“Measure your life by loss, not by gain, not by the wine drunk but by the wine poured forth, for he who suffers most has the most to give.”

“The first thing the early church did was pray. It’s the last thing the modern church does today.”

Currently Reading:

Counseling the Hard Cases by Stuart Scott, Heath Lambert & others

Additional books I want to read this month:

The Gospel’s Power & Message by Paul Washer. I may start on another but we'll see. 

Girls, You Deserve Better than Mr. Grey

Talk about a hot-topic issue. Why am I even writing this? There have been TONS of articles written about this already, good ones too! But still I am stirred and concerned. Some have tried to dismiss it as not a big deal. Fifty Shades of Grey is just a book, it’s just a movie. But girls, let me tell you, you deserve better than Mr. Grey.

This book and movie are fiction yes, but our minds work in crazy ways. We know in our minds that it’s fiction but yet there’s something in us that wants to believe that this portrayal of what love and relationship is is real. I mean let’s be honest girls; we want a man to want us, to desire us, to know us, to love us. As women we want to feel needed and we get a satisfaction (and feel loved) knowing that someone wants and desires us. I want that! And I’ll be honest with you, there’s a part of me that wants to drink at the well of what Mr. Grey has to offer. It looks good, it can feel so normal and “right”. Why do I have to wait when it’s offered to me right now? And why not read and watch things that allow me to feel those feelings by just relishing them in my mind? After all, I’m not actually doing anything…. Am I? Actually Proverbs tells us that as one thinks in his heart, so is he (Prov 23:7), in other words, we are what we think. Over and over Scripture admonishes us to be careful what we think. Our thinking and feeling are what drives our actions. Don’t be deceived into thinking that you can just read and watch something and it won’t affect you. The Holy Spirit says, “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life” (Gal 6:7-8), and “For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace" (Rom 8:5-6).

What I think and feel are not an accurate gauge for what is really right and good. While there’s nothing wrong with desiring relationship and sex (they were after all created by God) we need to look a little further. The truth is that what we really want is to satisfy ourselves, we want our desires to be fulfilled. We want a man to want us for us, not for him. We want someone to love us and to feel loved, and we are willing to give ourselves to receive affection and good feelings. We crave this so much that we are willing to sin to get what we want, and maybe we are willing to be used to have a fleeting grasp on that satisfaction that comes by being wanted, by feeling” loved”. But the truth is that first of all, that’s not love, and second of all, it will never be enough. No matter how much you pursue it, satisfaction from relationships or sex will never satisfy your deepest desires.

Where does lasting satisfaction come from? You were created by God. You are not an object to be used for a man’s pleasure; neither are you a slave to sexual desires. God created sex too, but He created it for a purpose. Satisfaction cannot be found in the “right” guy, in sexual fulfillment, in work, in your children, or in anything else on this earth! We were made for something more, we were made for someONE more. We were made for God, made to be like Him, to reflect Him, to rule the earth as princes and princesses, to be the bride of Christ Himself!

Love is not just a feeling. Love existed before humans were created, before there was sex. Love is a person and His name is Jesus. And while the truth is that we “deserve” nothing because of our sin we were still created with a purpose and we deserve better than what the Devil has to offer. Girls, you deserve better than Mr. Grey. You deserve more than temporary pleasures when you have been offered all the promises of God in Christ. Don't drink at the well of the world, when you have the river of Christ to satisfy you. You have the opportunity to be one with Christ, to be His. He did not die so that you could be a slave, He died so that you could be free. Not free to pursue your own desires (because that actually is slavery) but free to be who He intended you to be. Paul writes in 2 Corinthians, “For the love of Christ compels us, because we judge thus: that if One died for all, then all died; and He died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again” (2 Cor 5:14-15). Don't give into the temptation to fill your mind and heart with the fleeting pleasures of sin. There are no happy endings there. We were made for something more, we were made for Him. And He is the only one who will satisfy your heart.