Liberty Hope: Our Daughter's Birth Story

Background: (If you want you can skip this section to the action below – but this part explains how we ended up choosing a homebirth!) Our firstborn’s birth didn’t go as planned. However, this being my second time around I did feel more confident about giving birth and would have liked to have done a free-standing birth center again, but unfortunately in our area there are no options for that so at the beginning of my pregnancy I was planning on giving birth at the birthing center at St. Vincent’s in Worcester. I had a few appointments with a midwife in connection with them and she was… just OK. There was still this sense of formality and protocol and not a close connection or respect for my choices that I had experienced before. I had thought on and off about how amazing it would be to do a homebirth but it wasn’t something our insurance would cover and so I resigned myself to making the best of it. Then Covid-19 happened. The office I was going to transferred me from there to the hospital (where they had covid-19 patients by the way, which I thought was insane). There wasn’t good communication about this either and the more things went on the more I knew that I really didn’t want to give birth there and wanted to look into a homebirth more. I communicated with a few different home birth midwives and found one up near my mom which actually worked out well because I actually wanted to give birth at her place since she had a nice big jacuzzi tub in her master bedroom (and our apartment didn’t have a tub at all) and if I was going to have a home birth I wanted a tub! After my second meeting/appointment with my midwife I knew I’d made the right decision. She is amazing! And despite our insurance denying our appeal to cover the cost, I was over and over again affirmed in various ways that this was the right choice. We still prayed for a faster and easier delivery this time around and I was very hopeful!

Fast forward to the end of July. It was SO hot and as I was in the last week before my due date I began trying to get things moving – especially since Liberty was so low and in a great position!

Friday, July 24: I went for two walks, and my sister tried some pressure points on my ankles.

Saturday, July 25: Went and saw a friend who did an ankle massage/pressure points with castor oil, then swam some at a lake.

Sunday, July 26: 

Afternoon: We packed everything in the car just in case, dropped Keller at my sister’s and went to my mom’s where I walked two miles on the treadmill, then the midwife gave me a tincture (I forget what that was) followed by some homemade ice cream with castor oil mixed in… it was actually pretty good! The midwife said that usually (note: “usually”) that in a few hours there would be an increase in contractions followed by a bowel movement and then things would taper off. This could repeat in a few more hours before actually labor would really kick in although sometimes it wouldn’t induce labor, in which case in the morning she would come and we’d do a second dose. 

Evening: The first few hours after that part a-typical of what was to be expected. We thought we’d have plenty of time and as we were slightly concerned about Keller sleeping away from us/keeping his auntie up (he doesn’t sleep great somewhere new) so around 7PM we decided Mike would go home and get him and stay with him for the night – and of course I would call if/when things started (and my sister would just go stay at the house with Keller). I had some mild contractions followed by a bowel movement and then nothing. I facetimed with Mike and Keller around 9PM and then tried to go to sleep but around 9:30 contractions were starting up again. At 10 I asked my mom to come keep me company and also began timing them – because they were seeming stronger and fairly close together. I was texting with the midwife on and off and she suggested taking a shower and various things to help (she thought for sure it was still just early effects from the castor oil so wasn’t worried about needing to be there yet). Nothing seemed to help. By 11 PM they were very consistently 3 minutes apart and very strong - and I was starting to get a little more concerned. Shortly after I called Mike - 11 times! His phone for some reason didn't ring even though he had set it carefully to! He very shortly after checked his phone and called me though. I wanted him to come and just be there – even though I STILL wasn’t positive I was actually in active labor. He left shortly after on the hour drive back. A little after 11:30 I spoke to the midwife and said I thought she should come and be there. Part of me still thought that maybe it was still the castor oil (and so did she), but it also felt.... different. God knew and moved me to tell them both to come. Sure enough almost right after that I moved from having contractions to actually pushing… and after a little bit I realized this was no bowel movement! I remember my mom starting to fill the tub and saying “try not to push til the midwife gets here!” – haha she was really getting worried she might have to deliver her granddaughter! I remember thinking – “Ohhh no I’m pushing!” and I think this moment is when I actually realized this baby girl was really coming VERY soon!

Monday, July 27^th: at exactly 12:15am I managed to text the midwife “think she’s coming” - I was pretty sure I could feel her head coming down. I thought of telling Mike to hurry at more than one point but literally had no time in between contractions/pushing. Thankfully the midwife had just pulled in the driveway and came running up right away. I was still sitting on the toilet at this point and the tub was almost filled/ready. Midwife checked me and quickly realized that yup she was coming and helped me move into the tub. Then Mike arrived about 12:20, as my mom was running down and bringing up the equipment from the car for the midwife so she didn’t have to leave me. "Get up there quick" she told him. About 15 minutes later, at 12:33am, Liberty Hope was born! As soon as she came out I reached down and brought her up out of the water – that was super exciting because I had kinda wanted to “catch” her myself and I DID! It was pretty amazing!

Right before she was born the midwife was having a hard time finding her heartbeat because she was so low and so did hurry the process a bit just in case. The cord was wrapped around her body twice, once around the neck - it wasn't tight around the neck or anything so it was fine, but the midwife still had to help her get those big gasps of air (was rubbing her chest pretty aggressively and gave her a few puffs in her mouth). I think it took close to a full minute til she began crying and then she was just fine! I was helping hold her during this and wasn’t really worried, I was sure she would be fine, although that minute did seem pretty long! She is still doing great! (FYI, it is VERY normal for this kind of thing to happen. The cord is often wrapped around the baby, but is not often dangerously so, and sometimes babies do take a minute or so to get their lungs clear from the amniotic fluid, again quite normal.)

I had prayed a shorter labor and wow I got it – way faster that I would have ever guessed! Really it was no more than THREE hours total! The midwife was originally going to have an assistant too.... yeah she didn't make it. It was funny though, I had imagined having this relaxing time in the tub while in earlier labor with candles and nice music… none of that happened! I had set up my oil diffuser before trying to go to sleep earlier and the Christmas lights were on but that was it! Not that I minded of course – it was very VERY intense (and honestly, I was screaming basically the entire time I was pushing) but then it was over! After about an hour she latched and sucked really well and has done great in that department ever since!

God was with us the entire journey. He knew what I and Liberty needed and got everyone there in time. It was fast and crazy but I wouldn't go back and change it for the world! Praising God for his grace, strength and this wonderful precious baby girl!

                                                   I caught her!!!! (Thanks Mom/surprise birth coach
                                                   for this picture)

                                                            Keller meeting his sister!

Why we chose her name:

This was a fairly rough pregnancy for me. For almost all of December I was not only physically not feeling well many days with fairly bad “morning” (all-day) sickness, but my hormones were crazy and I often felt depressed and anxious. Hope was something the Lord reminded me of and encouraged me with during this time. Thankfully the sickness and emotions eased, and I felt great until early April when the hormone/emotional struggles came back. And this was also about a month into the Covid-19 shutdown where I also began to be frustrated with how it was being handled. The liberty we have as American’s has always been very important to me and to see those being withheld, not to mention stripped (in various other areas as well) was very distressing to me. But the end of April the Lord began reminding me that while any freedom we have on this earth is temporal and can be so easily lost, but we have a steadfast hope in an eternal and perfect liberty in Christ where there will be no more sadness, disease or injustice. I still remember the moment the Lord pressed this name for my daughter on my heart and I wept with a sense of freedom and renewed hope. Liberty Hope! It took a little bit of time for Mike to come around about the name, although he did want me to have the lead in naming our first daughter, but it won him over too. Over and over this name has brought me so much encouragement and I trust and pray she will be a light and hope to many in this dark world.

Here is her name meaning and Bible passage it is based from:

Liberty: The state of being free - ultimately met our spiritual redemption and physical resurrection in Christ.

Hope: Steadfast confidence in a world of fear and uncertainty.

Rom 8:19-25 – “For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.”

Christians, Civil Liberty and Resisting Authority

With the health and economic situation going on in our country and the world right now, there are all kinds of various opinions, feelings and beliefs on how the virus should be handled and what rights the government has over personal freedom even in a time of crisis.

I have seen a few Christian organizations that have written articles arguing for the Christian’s obligation to submit to governing authorities – specifically right now with the stay-at-home orders etc. While they do make some valid points, and while Romans 13/1 Peter 2 do indeed have a lot to say to us today, there are some very key points that I believe these authors have neglected.

1) In America, our supreme “governing authority” is the Constitution, not the governing leaders themselves. Our leaders are supposed to be subject to the Constitution; “we the people” hold the true power and are responsible to hold our elected leaders accountable to the Constitution. Romans was written to Christians under Rome, indeed a pagan government but still different in structure than ours. There are indeed applications we must make, but they were not under the Constitution like we are today. Therefore, it is not an equal or simple application. To simply quote Scripture without considering these societal differences is not good exegesis at all. Is it right to allow our elected leaders to ignore and/or misuse the Constitution they, under oath, committed to defending? It is one thing to respect the office someone holds; it is another to do nothing while a person abuses that office.

2) There are always limits to our submission to authority, and that includes many “gray” areas of conscience. Complete, unquestioned submission is NOT Biblical. Clear Biblical violation is obvious, we are called according to Scripture to obey God rather than men, but in areas of conscience where the Word of God is not so clear it gets very complicated. (We have this problem in churches and families too.) Some of the authors acknowledge there is a time for “civil disobedience” but are vague about what this means, and they do they acknowledge any issues of conscience. We cannot just tell others they should “submit to governing authority” when it’s not a clear-cut Biblical issue and their conscience tells them that what the government is requiring is not right or lawful. To quote Scripture like that is a cop-out and, I believe, an abuse of Scriptural authority.

3) I wonder if these authors have considered that if we did follow “submit to governing authority” the way they are suggesting that we most certainly would not be where we are right now. The American Revolution very likely never would have happened – and even if it had, our country would certainly not have been built nearly entirely by God-fearing men (although not all Christians by any means). None of us would be sitting where we are right now, perhaps we would not even exist. Slavery would still be legal. The Civil Rights movement wouldn’t have happened, and neither would hundreds of other movements that have built us a (mostly) better society.

4) At least one article quoted 1 Tim 2:1-6 (“Pray for your leaders so that you may lead quiet, godly lives…”) and said we should “strive” to live quiet and godly lives but gave NO application for what this actually means. If our leaders allow us to do this well then great, but what if they don’t? Does being “quiet and godly” mean submissively laying down under the whip? Are we not allowed to defend ourselves when we are being unjustly treated? Does it mean we should not seek to hold our leaders accountable to the oath they took to defend our Constitution? I think Micah 6:8 is a little more specific: “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to seek justice, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?” We are called to stand for truth and justice, and to seek to be kind and merciful towards all.

5) And then there's Jer. 29:7, where the Israelite's are instructed to “seek the peace and prosperity” of the foreign nation where they dwell. This is not talking about the internal peace God gives us despite suffering or hard circumstances. This peace is more external, and has a lot to do with security. To ultimately feel secure you need to be free to live your life as you believe is right and good. Peace is freedom from oppression, unrest, injustice. This cannot be a short-term freedom/security either; you can’t have peace if you are uncertain about future security. We as Americans seek the peace of our nation by seeking order and justice (adherence to the law, ultimately the Constitution), and also by seeking to get along with/tolerating others even though you may have disagreements. To have peace, sometimes you have to compromise on issues (although there are lawful and moral limits of course). I don’t know about you, but all this reminds me a lot of the phrase “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” (from the Declaration of Independence).

6) They neglect Human Responsibility in the nurturing and preservation of truth and justice. This is rather connected to the last point. Like parents are responsible for the raising of their children, like pastors are responsible for their flock, we, as citizens of this country, are responsible for her preservation. The results are always God’s, but we will be held accountable for our stewardship. There are consequences for inaction as well as action. You reap what you sow. “...whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully” (2 Cor 9:6).

To conclude, in respect to government, we as Christians are called to:

1. Trust God’s sovereignty, remember this world is not our home, etc. This should be a given, but we do need to be reminded from time to time.

2. Pray (and support, and vote) for leaders who will allow us to live peaceable, godly lives. Absolutely!

3. Respect authority, give honor to wear honor is due - remembering that our ultimate authority (and therefore due the most respect) in America is the Constitution.

4. Seek the peace, prosperity  and preservation of our nation – by seeking justice and respecting the laws and protecting the liberty we are blessed to possess.
5. And of course, try our best to be kind and gracious towards those who think differently. 

So Christian, humbly seek wisdom in how you should honor God, trust, pray, be respectful to that which is the authority. Seek peace and security, stand up for truth, for what is right and just and lawful. "Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." – Ben Franklin

I highly recommend everyone watching this video:  Freedom versus Fear video

“These are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and the

sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their

country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of

man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have

this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more

glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly:

it is dearness only that gives every thing its value. Heaven knows how

to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if

so celestial an article as FREEDOM should not be highly rated”
 -Thomas Paine, The Crisis

Reading List: Parenting, The Sound of Music +more

Some great books in the past few months! Working through some more now too!

Finished since last post:

Grace-Based Discipline by Karis Kimmel Murray

This was an excellent book! On top of having a great gift and style in writing, Karis Murray shares a lot of very practical advice when it comes to dealing with your child’s bad behavior. Many important reminders include: Don’t take your child’s behavior personally, your child is a sinner so “we shouldn’t be surprised if they act that way”, “you must separate your child’s behavior from their heart” and what the book really boils down to: How does God parent/discipline us? This is crucial because “Parents are the primary reflection our kids see of God’s heart and His grace.” How you parent and discipline teaches your child more about God than anything you could possibly say! As parents we ought to seek to parent as God does His children, and for that we need wisdom. “The only way we’ll be able to discern whether to give our children consequences, mercy or anything in between is if we’ve built a close enough relationship with our kids to afford us some perspective. That’s the only way our discipline will truly be for them.” (emphasis hers)

Karis differentiates between grace and mercy, punishment or retaliation and discipline, shame and remorse and gives practical examples. She also helpfully lays out the type of discipline and/or consequences that are most effective for different ages. Throughout the book there are great stories and examples from Karis’ own experience under her parents (who modeled this well) and with her own children.  

Don’t Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Hubbard

Another parenting book I would HIHGLY recommend (I’ve had a few other moms recommend it to me). Easy and fun to read with great practical wisdom for moms seeking to raise their kids according to Biblical principles. She talks about how to deal with getting to the heart of your child, handling manipulation, using Scripture in our correction, when you’re feeling angry, how to Biblically reprove and rebuke (NOT scold) and with physical discipline. Really excellent and highly practical.

“Behavior is simply what alerts you to your child’s need for correction. But don’t make the mistake that so many parents make and allow your desire for changed behavior to replace your desire for a changed heart.”

“When we correct our children for wrong behavior but fail to train them in righteous behavior, we will exasperate them because we are not providing them with a way of escape.” - In other words, what they should do instead. Most of the time, righteous behavior needs to be learned by hands-on teaching and practice… it’s not automatic!

“Our desire should be for the child to ponder what he could have done right rather than what he did wrong.”

“…truly beneficial communication is based not only on the ability to talk, but also on the ability to listen. Let me suggest that rather than talking to your child, you talk with your child.”

Memories Before and After The Sound of Music by Agathe Von Trapp

Written by the eldest daughter of Captain Georg Von Trapp, we are given the real and rest of the story of the “The Sound of Music”. Great biography/autobiography of her family’s history, her upbringing and the real Trapp Family Singers.

Louder Than Words: A Mother’s Journey in Healing Autism by Jenny McCarthy

This was just an interesting account of one mom’s fight to find a way to bring her son back after his regression into autism. (She did by the way.) But it was a long, hard journey and she had to fight for so much along the way. It’s a sad story in many ways (losing your son mentally and emotionally is awful, and also because she does not know Christ and thus God’s role in this story), but it’s still very inspiring. A mother’s love and a mother’s instinct should never be ignored.

Abusers and the Pharisees Who Enable Them

(This post is a follow-up to this post. Readers are advised to read that one first.)

“My zeal consumes me, because my foes forget your words.” (Ps. 119:139, ESV)

The Pharisees in the Gospels are not portrayed in a favorable light. Over and over Jesus warns his followers to not imitate them. They were proud, self-righteous, didn’t practice what they preached and focused on their own interpretation of the law rather than what God intended. No Christian wants to find out they are like the Pharisees. I tread on rather dangerous ground even hinting that this could happen, but to not do so, I believe would be pharisaical itself.  

I read a book some time ago called Accidental Pharisees (you can read my summary of it here). This is a fantastic book but not an easy read as it reminded me that all of us have same tendencies and sin-inclinations that the pharisees had and that it is deceptively easy to slide into self-righteousness and pride. (Lord, may this not be me right now!)

We have a problem in the church today. When confronted with abuse, churches are not handling it in godly, Biblical ways but rather in ways that fit with their pre-disposed ideas. With abusive marriages particularly, often church leaders value the marriage over the individual people. As a result, they minimize the abuser’s behavior, believe him over her and even shift the focus and blame on the victim for wanting out of the marriage. This type of thinking and action is seen fairly often in patriarchal churches that hold to an unbalance of power in marriage, for, “When taken to their logical conclusion, the teachings of patriarchal authoritarianism groom men to become dictators, and condition women to accept abuse as God’s will.” (From Fractured Covenants, see my last post). Like the Pharisees, they focus on the “letter of the law” rather than the person and the situation – the real heart of the issue. Their focus is on “saving the marriage” rather than dealing with the real sin issue and rescuing a sister in Christ.  

When I was getting my counseling degree from Westminster Theological Seminary through Christian Counseling Educational Foundation, one of the most impactful classes I took was an observation class with Darby Stickland where we watched her counsel a couple where the husband was emotionally abusive. It was incredibly eye-opening. The husband was an EXACT match for the descriptions of an abusive person given in chapter 1 of Fractured Covenants (See under heading “Where Does Subtler Mistreatment End, and Abuse Begin?” See also additional descriptions in chapter 2). And the poor wife, she was so conditioned that she had no idea she was innocent – and that he was the problem! It was beautiful seeing the understanding dawn in her face as she realized the way he was treating her was wrong and that she had done nothing to deserve it. It was tragic to see a woman stuck in such an awful situation.

In 1 Cor. 5:11, it says this:  ^“But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler - not even to eat with such a one.” You can be a practicing adulterer, reviler, drunkard, or you can be a Christian. You can’t be both. “In fact, according to this text, a reviler who calls himself a brother is far, far worse than an outright unbeliever. A reviler who is allowed to call himself a brother will corrupt the whole church” (Fractured Covenants, and see here). Many abusers pass themselves off as “good Christian men” but in reality, in secret, are slanderers and revilers of their wives. Jesus had a lot to say about these kinds of people: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness” (Matthew 23:27-28).

When church leaders misplace blame and demand a woman return to an abusive husband – especially one who claims to be a Christian - they are disobeying 1 Cor. 5:11 and the rest of Scripture which says over and over to rescue those who are oppressed (see Psalm 82:3-4, Lev. 19:15, and many others). Doing so they spiritually abuse their position and add to the victims suffering by using Scripture against her and disciplining her for fleeing her abuser. Jesus had a lot to say about these kinds of people too:

^“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! … You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell? Therefore I am sending you prophets and sages and teachers. Some of them you will kill and crucify; others you will flog in your synagogues and pursue from town to town. And so upon you will come all the righteous blood that has been shed on earth...” (Matthew 23:23-24, 34-36, NIV)

These words are incredibly harsh and frightening. Not only do these kinds of people persecute the righteous, but they risk going to hell.  

In the book, Fractured Covenants, the author shares much of her own story of abuse in her marriage and her church’s tragic, abusive response. While initially supportive, her two pastors chose to side with her husband and, despite acknowledging she was a victim, still demanded that she return to him. In a letter to her (after she had resigned her membership) in which they threaten church discipline they write, “Our first and greatest concern is that you chose to divorce…”. (This and subsequent quotes taken directly from the letter from the church pastors which you can read here.) Their first and greatest concern was not over the sin HE had committed towards her, it was not that SHE needed safety and healing…. It was that she was (apparently) sinning by divorcing this man who repeatedly and unrepentantly verbally, spiritually and emotionally abused her. Again, while the leaders acknowledge the abuse, they still somehow believed that she was the one “breaking (the) marriage covenant”. They claimed she didn’t “attempt to address his sins” or “didn’t want help or counsel”, (quote) which was not true – they had done counseling, she'd tried to get help about his problems but nothing changed. He wasn’t willing to change – that was the issue. Of course, he feigned sorrow and “repentance” to the pastors, but then he turned around and continued in his verbal abuse and antagonism towards her. This is completely typical of abusers. Yet the pastors, these “blind guides,” naively believed him over her – and subsequently sought to discipline her because she had “wandered from the truth” (quote). What “truth” is that exactly? How could she seek to “preserve the marriage” (quote) when her husband was the one breaking the marriage covenant? Is this what God intended when He created marriage? Is this the kind of leadership and ministry God calls pastors to? 

As for the church leaders who so sinned against her, God will judge them for downplaying and even condoning the sin of the men in their congregation and for shooting their own wounded. 

Brothers and sisters, we cannot tolerate, excuse or downplay abuse. It is sinful, demonic and damaging. It is a sin against the man to leave him in his sin, a sin against the woman to leave her in her suffering or hurt her further, and a sin against the local church and the church at large (in showing how we handle sin and oppression) and to Christ Himself. Proverbs says that, “He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous, both of them alike are an abomination to the LORD” (Prov 17:15) and Jesus Himself said, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matt. 7:2). Let us not be like the Pharisees, let us not imitate or follow those who value their interpretation of Scripture over the soul of one oppressed. Let us believe those who come to us with their stories of abuse and rescue them from the hands of the wicked.

You can read about the events in this particular case for yourself in Fractured Covenants and in THIS article on Marie's story.
  

For additional reading: Spiritual Abuse in Marriage 

Fractured Covenants (Book Review)

Where does a high-view of marriage lead you theologically and practically?

Marriage, after all, was created by God as a reflection of Himself and the Church. So what does your view of marriage say about God? And what does it say about the Church? If marriage is to be so esteemed, is divorce ever an option? These are some of the key questions that the author of Fractured Covenants deals with. More specifically, is marriage as God intended still a binding covenant even in cases of abuse? After all, “there is an enormous difference between a disappointing marriage, and a destructive one”. (All quotes in this post from Fractured Covenants unless otherwise indicated.) Scripture also has a lot to say on the value and protection of women. “Mosaic divorce allowance was given by God for humanitarian means – to protect women from cruelty.” It was permitted because of sin. God himself “divorced” his bride (Israel) for their adultery. In fact, does the Bible actually say, “God hates divorce”? I have heard this quoted many times in my life, and I was shocked to realize that that is NOT what the verse says! The author shows how the NIV here has an accurate translation of the Hebrew:

“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, 
“does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. - Mal 2:13

See here for explanation of the Hebrew.

God himself calls for husbands to love their wives “as their own body” and judges those who oppress and abuse others (see Isa. 10:1–4; 30:12–14; Jer. 6:6-8; 9:6–11). If marriage is a reflection of God, then both parties should mirror his love and grace (although imperfectly). But what happens when one party continually and unrepentantly does the exact opposite? What should the church’s response be to a woman (or man) abused by their spouse?

The author of Fractured Covenants does a fantastic job of exegeting scripture and showing us what God’s design for husbands and wives in marriage is. Furthermore, as a trained Biblical counselor and an abuse survivor herself she also writes about how we should respond when there is emotional or verbal abuse in a marriage.

There are Christian circles (many of them Reformed or solid theologically) that sadly ignore or downplay emotional (or otherwise non-physical) abuse in marriage. But this is not right. “Averting our eyes when one of our sisters is being abused, in any form, is not Christ-like.” Indeed not! But what exactly is emotional abuse? Examples include “verbal attacks, silent treatment, destructive criticism, manipulation, lying, threats, and withholding affection. These toxic relationships affect the victim’s ability to trust others and enjoy healthy relationships in the future.”

This book also uncovers the reasons many churches and pastors do not take abuse seriously and push for victims to return to their abusers. The issue of abuse is not one you can truly understand without either experiencing it yourself, walking alongside someone who has experienced it, or had very specific training about it. Too many churches and pastors are ignorant (or in plain denial) of the dark hidden aspects of abuse, and also unaware that abusers are very good at hiding their sin and appearing very godly. They are ignorant of the fact that an abuser cannot simply “repent” and suddenly be a great husband. Thinking someone can go from being abusive to a true godly person is incredibly naïve. Any professional counselor will tell you that men like this need intensive and long-term counseling to overcome their abusive tendencies. He is a liar and a slanderer and cannot be trusted until there is real remorse, repentance and true change of character. To pressure a woman to return to her abusive husband when they have not taken his sin seriously is wrong and damaging, not only to the woman herself, but also to the church at large.

In Ephesians 5:21, immediately prior to the verse where it says, “wives submit to your husbands,” commands, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. This is speaking to both husband and wife. Submission is not just for wives, both husbands and wives are to submit to one another. Certainly, for the wife this is more specifically commanded, but it should not be taken in isolation. In the book, the author describes what this means beautifully: “Biblical submission is an aspect of Christian liberty wherein we prefer others to ourselves. It’s an expression of Christian love, intended to glorify God in all that it chooses to do. It kindly and generously serves others, to provide for their comfort. It defers to others, it edifies them, and it blesses them according to their needs. It’s genuinely benevolent and seeks the welfare and best interests of others. It diligently pursues life, health, and dignity for others as well as oneself. Biblical submission, far from being a sanctified form of dictatorship, honors God as supreme and honors others as his creatures made in his image.” The author does a good job at showing how scripture makes it pretty clear that, “Men’s and women’s rights within the family are the same size – with each having equal rights to having their opinions and desires respected, as well as input into decision making and the right to live free from physical and verbal abuse.” Yes, wives are called to submit, but this doesn't mean she does not have a voice or can be ignored or abused.

Yet, sadly, as the author shows, there are churches, organizations and Christians that emphasize the command of wives submission over the command on husbands to love their wives as Christ and their own body. This is wrong, dangerous, and a misuse of Scripture. For that is NOT how God intended marriage to be. Indeed, “when a command for submission is wielded like a weapon, it is a sure sign that the follow-up verses on ‘loving [your] wife as Christ loved the Church’ are not being obeyed.” If a husband is choosing not to love his wife as God calls him to (verses 25-30), submitting to her out of love (verse 21) and honoring her as the weaker vessel (1 Peter 3:7), he is willfully breaking, and not honoring the marriage covenant. Furthermore, “Men who verbally abuse their wives are what the Bible calls ‘revilers’…. You can be a reviler, or you can be a Christian. You can’t be both.” According to 1 Cor. 5:11, the one who reviles, and slanders others is the one who is to be treated as an unbeliever.

How should the church deal with a marriage that is fractured by abuse? How should we respond to and counsel a man with this sin pattern? He needs to be confronted with his sin but, “the problem is that when abusers are confronted about their behavior, not only will they often lie outright to their pastors and/or counselors, they will spin events and hateful, hurtful statements they have made in such a way as to minimize or project blame onto the other party(ies).” And these kinds of people are usually such experts at manipulating the facts and seeming sincere that they nearly always fool everyone. The author recalls a personal instance and other victims’ accounts where this kind of cover-up occurred and their husbands even boasted about it to the wives later. Her own ex-husband even told her how he’d told the pastor he wanted her back. She was incredulous and said, “Why would you say that? You hate me! Did you tell him you loved me?” His response after laughing was, “it never came up.” “Inexperienced pastors, pre-disposed to believe the man’s side, often do nothing to help the woman – instead, they often side against her along with her husband.” The lack of seriousness of the abuser’s sin along with their emphasis on the woman’s responsibility for her husband’s treatment of them is not only unbiblical, it is sin. Yet, sometimes pastors add to the burden by pressuring the wives into returning to a man who they know has no intention of changing. Some Christians have even told women that they need to, “endure this suffering for Christ.” But “the real ‘truth’ that we display to the world by accepting abuse in a marriage is that God would have us suffer for someone else’s pleasure (not His). “When the marriage covenant has been broken through ongoing abuse, trust is shattered. Try as they might, well-meaning clergy cannot always put the pieces back together again, nor should the victim feel compelled to return when the situation has not changed.” It is fairly common knowledge that if someone was seriously sinned against – for example in sexual abuse or rape - you can forgive that person, but that doesn’t mean you continue in close contact with them. Restoration is very different from forgiveness. If someone purposely hurt your child, you would not let them anywhere near that child again until you were sure they had changed. Once again, even if they are “sorry,” sins like these are deep, ingrained patterns and the person is not to be trusted until there is assurance of true repentance. Yet wives with abusive husbands are told to go back and submit to him? Is this what God meant when He said, “Marriage is to be held in honor by all” (Heb 13:4)?

Furthermore, church leaders lead the rest of the Church and other Christians to also side against the abused woman and threaten her church discipline for divorcing her unrepentant husband. These women are, “shamed by the churches they trusted to protect them – all in the name of saving a marriage over a person.” Although Scripture does admonish us to, “Obey your leaders and submit to them,” (Heb 13:17) church leaders are human and sometimes wrong and this verse does not mean unconditional obedience. This pressure to return to her abuser and using spiritual authority to further coerce her to submit tragically adds spiritual abuse to her suffering. Spiritual abuse is using the Word of God or spiritual position to convince or manipulate another person into doing what you think they should do. Of course, most people don’t think they are manipulating or anything like that – they think they are “standing for truth” and doing what the Bible says. But even as Christians who value and love the Word of God we can sometimes have views and opinions that do not line up with the full counsel of God.

When a woman finds the courage to tell someone about the abuse she has been suffering, we need to validate her experience and not disregard it. If there is some reason to doubt her story, we can ask for more details and dig deeper, but it is extremely rare for someone to lie about ongoing abuse and they are often taking a big risk by speaking out. “The words ‘I believe you’ are incredibly empowering to an abused woman.” I recall two instances of three different friends telling me about their husbands and father. Both times I was shocked, as I knew two of three men in question, and couldn’t imagine these men being abusive in such ways. But I believed all of them – no questions asked. I learned more about the situations later which confirmed I was right to do so, but too often people assume that victims are at the very least exaggerating. But worse that not being believed, victims, instead of receiving help and support, receive judgment from other Christians. (In the book there are several examples given of this happening to completely innocent parties.) It is amazing how harsh and judgmental other Christians (who usually do not know the whole story) can be. Too often we assume someone who was divorced (especially if they seem to be initiating and wanting the divorce) was somehow to blame and holds at least some responsibility, yet it is not right for us to assume if we do not know. The author herself, lost friends, trust, respect from Christians who should have known better than to make assumptions and pass judgment. Most simply just wanted to trust the church leadership - and this is probably what is most tragic.

I personally know the author of this book. Marie O’Toole (formerly Notcheva) has been given grace to persevere and stay faithful to God despite the abuse from her husband and subsequent spiritual abuse from her church. I write more about her story and this topic in my follow-up post which I encourage you to read here. To my sorrow, other people I know personally did not believe her and/or valued the opinion of these church leaders over her. But Christians, we cannot condone sin. To shun a woman because she fled an abusive relationship and refused to go back and submit to her abuser is wrong and damaging, to the woman, the church and the name of Christ. Divorce is not always a sin, sometimes, it is the most godly thing a person can do.

Brethren, let us stop passing judgment until we have heard the whole story and searched the whole of Scripture. For Jesus Himself said, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matt. 7:2). Let us show mercy to those who are suffering, let us hold sinners accountable, let us rescue those in distress as Scripture calls us to: “Maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked” (Psalm 82:3-4).

For additional reading on this topic see the following articles:

God Hates Divorce? 

Sexual Abuse in Marriage

You can find all my posts on this topic HERE.
You can purchase Marie's book here.

Reading List: Summer 2019

Oh my goodness it's been so long since I've updated and posted one of these! Toddler and home life keeps me busy and tired so I don't read nearly as much as I used to! But here you are!

Parenting: 14 Gospel Principles That Can Radically Change Your Family by Paul Tripp

(Read spring 2018) This was a really great book! It’s so easy to think you know what to do with kids, that you’ll never do such-and-such or yell at your kids… but Paul hones in on the fact that both parents and children are sinners and need God’s grace to change us. A theme is that parents are ambassadors of God and can only be used as they are themselves willing to humbly embrace the difficult task God has set before them. Paul gives practical examples from his own experience as well as others. How should the law be used? What role does identity play? How do we teach our children to submit to authority and rid them of their foolishness? How do we accept our inability and learn to rest in God who alone has the power to change our children’s hearts? So much encouragement for parents who are seeking to faithfully raise their children in the Lord.

“…parents who admit they are inadequate and run to God make the best parents. You see, he doesn’t ask you to be able; he asks you to be willing.” (pg. 36)

“Our job is to help our children to be so blown away by God’s glory that they find joy in submitting to his rule.” (pg. 133)

“Every single thing your child has ever said or done is rooted in worship… change is not so much about behavioral management, but worship realignment.” (pg. 150)

In Defense of Jesus: The New Lawgiver by John Reisinger

(Read summer 2018) I’ve been wanting to read this for quite some time! This book was written in response to Richard Barcellos’ book, In Defense of the Decalogue. In his book Barcellos, a Covenant theologian who’s Baptist, addresses his concerns about New Covenant Theology (NCT) and why he believes it’s not Biblically accurate. Reisinger responds to these concerns and claims with sound historical and Biblical arguments. Barcello clearly does not really understand what NCT really believes, nor does he accurately view history and Reisinger shows this without a doubt. Who is the supreme lawgiver? Is it Moses as Covenant Theology claims? Does Jesus just keep and re-affirm the law and make no changes to it? Or as NCT maintains, does Jesus give new laws and an actual new covenant? Is the Decalogue (the 10 Commandments) the unchanging moral law of God? Or was it given to and for the nation of Israel and thus not the standard for us today? Are those who hold to NCT “without law” as Barcellos and others think? Regardless of their opponents opinions and arguments, New Covenant Theology has strong Biblical support and those curious about it and those who oppose it would be wise to read this book and consider its contents.

“Difficulties [in discussion theology] result when people insist on using theological terms instead of Biblical terms.” For example, the Bible nowhere mentions a covenant with Adam. Covenant Theology argues for several things that are not actually named in Scripture, which is problematic.

Devoted: Great Men and Their Godly Mothers by Tim Challies

(Read fall 2018) This is a great little book for moms of boys! Challies introduces us to the mothers of 11 men throughout history, from as far back as Biblical times to today. It’s inspiring to hear these stories of mothers who simply trusted God and did their best to teach and train their sons to follow Christ. Despite some of them being single parents and/or sick or very busy their prayers and passion for raising their sons was so encouraging. At the end of each chapter there are also reflection questions.  

Set-Apart Motherhood by Leslie Ludy

(Read winter 2019) This book was so encouraging. The book is Ccntered around keeping Christ as the focus of your life and relationship with your children, but gets into some of the practical stuff too. Great tips, good reminders, funny stories…. Very thankful for this book!

“…when I approach motherhood for the sole purpose of bringing glory to God, I find tremendous joy in making personal sacrifices for my children. As I seek to honor Him in my motherhood, it becomes my delight to give my best to my children, without concern for what I’m getting out of it, but only with what He is getting out of it.”

“Training, discipline, routine, and structure are important, but these things are tools that enable me to focus on what matters in motherhood: building healthy relationships with my children and leading them to Jesus Christ.”

Vaccines: A Reappraisal by Richard Moskowitz M.D.

(Read winter/spring 2019) I originally got this book on kindle, but before I’d finished, I went bought a hard copy as well. It’s one of THOSE books…. One that you’re going to go back to, for reminders, information, research, facts…. It’s ALL there. This is incredibly well-researched by a doctor who's been in the field and in research for over 30 years. For anyone and everyone who wants to (or claims to be) educated on this subject, this is a MUST-READ. If you are concerned about vaccines, this is a great resource, if you are solidly pro-vax, there’s facts in it that you HAVE to deal with. So get it and read it.

Currently Reading:

Grace-Based Parenting by Karis Kimmel Murray

Should Church Elders Be Obeyed Unconditionally?

Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep 

watch over you as those who must give an account. Do this so that their work will be 

a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no benefit to you.    

–  Hebrews 13:17

Over and over in Proverbs we are exhorted to pursue, value and gain wisdom. One way we do this is by seeking counsel from those more spiritually mature. One obvious example is church leadership. In the verse quote above we have a fairly clear exhortation in fact to obey and submit to our church leadership as having authority over us. But is this obedience and submission to be unconditional? What happens if these leaders are wrong? They are, after all, human and sinners too. In comparison, wives are also told to submit to their husbands, but does this mean unconditional obedience as well?

In all things: seek wisdom

While wisdom is often found in seeking godly counsel, first and foremost it is found in the whole counsel of Scripture - through prayer and the leading of the Holy Spirit. It is there that we are reminded that, ultimately, our head and authority is Christ, and after Him then we submit ourselves to others. Submission in marriage is done by wives submitting ultimately to Christ and loving and serving our husband first and foremost as their brother in Christ (not as a master). Indeed “headship” in marriage “is only true authority to the extent that a husband is faithful to Jesus, so that he is not a ‘head’ by virtue of simply being a husband” (from the book Fractured Covenants). The same applies to church leaders. One does not automatically deserve unconditional respect and obedience simply because of the office he holds. I respect the office of the President of the United States. This does not mean I automatically respect the person holding that office or would do whatever he told me.

I will share a personal example… A number of years ago I attended a Bible/discipleship school for a semester and while there applied for an internship with a sister-ministry that was literally my “dream job”. I did not at all expect to get accepted so when I did, it appeared to be a pretty clear calling as it was a wonderful fit for my gifts and passions and I had a deep respect for the ministry, its founders, and team members. However, the pastors/elders at my then home church had some theological and personal disagreements with the school I was at and “strongly urged” me to stay home. I was confused. While I could see their reasons for concern, I did not have the same concerns about the certain points of doctrine (and at least one I disagreed with completely) and did not consider these reasons to be “reason enough” for me to not go. But I wrestled with the text above. Shouldn’t I listen to and submit to my church elders? I deeply desired to be obedient to God and submit my desires to the Lord. I responded to the elders and said that despite the fact that I disagreed with them I was willing to submit to their leadership. One thing was still holding me back, however, and that was that I hadn’t yet been able to discuss the issue with my parents as they had gone out of the country. Immediately after I sent that response, I was filled with a strong conviction that I was supposed to go. I went to my parents as soon as they returned home, told them everything and that I strongly believed I was supposed to go. They were in complete agreement and wrote my elders telling them that I was going to go with their blessing. They weren’t too happy about this, but respected my parent's authority. There did however continue to be some pressure until my parents basically told them that they were done discussing it. I interned with this wonderful ministry for 2.5 years and several years later I have no regrets, still believe I did the right thing and greatly value the time that I spent serving with this ministry. The elders at that church are wonderful people; they love the Lord and have had positive influence in my life. I learned a lot from them and I am grateful for their concern for my spiritual life. But just because someone is a church leader, or someone in spiritual authority, or even someone you respect does not mean they are always right and should be unconditionally obeyed.  

If church leaders ever demand complete and unconditional submission/obedience they are spiritually abusing their position and hurting the very people God gave them to care for and protect. Similarly, if they use their position in spiritual leadership to convince someone to submit to them on an issue that is not clear in Scripture (example: they say something like “as your pastor/elder I urge you to submit to us”) that is also dangerous. If something is not clear in Scripture all you can do is advise. You cannot “urge”. (I tend to think that this is sometimes a way of avoiding the word “command”. They are not really “commanding” you, and so they justify their pressure on you.)

You can also get Scripture to mean anything if you utilize it the right way. It’s important to remember that just because someone can quote Scripture to you does not mean that it is a right interpretation or application. If it seems like Scripture is being used as a weapon in order to convince you to submit, be wary! This is not Biblical submission.

In all things: seek Wisdom

As you are facing decisions in your life, by ALL MEANS talk to your church leaders and seek their counsel. But Pray. Seek the counsel of other people you respect and trust. Pray. Read and meditate on the Word. Did I mention pray? Above all, pray and seek the Person of Wisdom. Then, do what you believe is the right thing to do. As you seek to submit yourself to God, He promises to guide you and you can trust that He’s got you and will work everything out.