Reading List: January 4, 2016

What do you do on winter break? No break from reading for me! Now’s the time I can read some things that aren’t “required”!  I have so many books that I want to read so I tried to get through as many as I could while I have time. Not very many are so fortunate and I hope reading these summaries is helpful to some. In the next month I hope to get through several more – I have just 3 credits I’m taking over the J-term before the spring semester starts on February 8^th so I will have some extra time.

Resisting Gossip: Wining the War of the Wagging of the Tongue by Matthew Mitchell

This book is going on my “books every Christian should read” list. I read it on my kindle, but I am getting a print copy because it’s one of those books that I know that I want to re-read. Yes, it’s that good.

Matt Mitchell defines gossip as “bearing bad news behind someone’s back out of a bad heart”. He does a wonderful job discussing why it is that we are drawn to information/news/gossip and the different forms it can take. There are various forms of gossip and some are more harmful than others. He also discusses the heart and the motives behind why we listen to and share things about others. This book was quite convicting and yes, I’m guilty of a lot of this too! How easy it is to “vent” and share things that are completely unnecessary and are not helpful or edifying to others. When we are negative and critical towards others it certainly does say a lot about what is going on in our hearts. Ouch. It’s something we often don’t think is a big deal, or it’s something that we are so used to that we don’t realize we’re doing it. Matt writes that sometimes we do it out of unnecessary curiosity or plain boredom and that “the ‘gospel escape’ from boredom is active love, active service and active mercy for other people – including those who do not deserve it one bit.”

Matt gives practical help through stories and examples and also steps to how we can identify gossip, change our habits and also stop the spread of it. Throughout Scripture we are warned about the use of the tongue and told to love and build others up. There is of course proper times to tell information, and proper times where we need to confront others. But in all our speech may we become people known for our gracious and edifying words!

“Most, if not all, sinful gossip includes the sin of judging others…. There is an unnecessary kind of judging that leads to sinful gossip. This is the kind of judging Jesus talked about when he said ‘Do not judge, or you too will be judged’ (Matt 7:1).” “Another name for sinful judging is critical judgment. The opposite virtue is called charitable judgment.”

“It is pride when we pick and choose what is most wrong about another based upon our own self-exaltation. We are all prone to do this.”

God’s Kingdom Through God’s Covenants: A Concise Biblical Theology by Peter Gentry & Stephen Wellum

I started this a month ago on my kindle, but had to postpone finishing it until after finals. This book was an excellent treatise on the covenants in Scripture – what they are (and aren’t), how they relate to one another and most importantly, how they point to and are fulfilled in Christ and the new covenant. “...apart from properly understanding the nature of the biblical covenants and how they relate to each other, we will not correctly discern the message of the Bible and hence God’s self-disclosure which centers on and culminates in Christ.”  Biblical theology is looking at Scripture as a whole and is very important to understand if we want to rightly understand Scripture. “Our reading of Scripture and or doing of theology must attend to the historical unfolding of redemptive history that is organically related and ultimately centered on Jesus Christ.”

Does the study of the covenants in Scripture matter? Yes because “it is the interpretation of the relation of the old covenant to the new that is the basis of all the major divisions among Christians; i.e., all denominational differences derive ultimately from different understandings of how the covenant at Sinai relates to us today.” Whether you think there is one covenant, or two, or multiple ones (which is what this book argues for) makes a big difference in how you view Scripture and the relationship between the old and new testaments.  If you are not sure, or even if you think you disagree, I’d invite you to read this and examine it carefully in light of what Scripture itself teaches.

“Because Christ is the last Adam and the true Israel, the true and literal seed of Abraham (Gal. 3:16), all of God’s promises to Israel (which includes the nations) are fulfilled in Christ and inaugurated in the church. God has not replaced Israel by the church; instead he has brought Israel’s role to its fulfillment in Christ and to Christ’s people.”

True Worshipers: Seeking What Matters To God by Bob Kauflin

This was a really great book too. As a Christian who loves the Lord worship had been something I have sought (and I don’t just mean singing), but Bob Kauflin takes a real deep look at what true worship looks like and it was both convicting and encouraging to my soul. He begins with our inability and the truth that true worship begins with us receiving from God. He writes, “worship is a gift we receive before it’s a task we perform” (p. 122). Also, there’s the fact that we need God in order to worship God and that the Word of God and the work of the Holy Spirit are the means to experiencing His presence. Truth is the only proper avenue to true worship and so we must know the truth, read/study the Bible and hear good preaching. “We cannot worship God apart from his Word” (p. 41). Music and singing play a role in worship, but there is so much more to it than that. Worship is our hearts being redirected to God. It’s exalting God. Bob also refers to worship and edification as “two sides of the same coin” (p. 86) for we were not made to worship God on our own, we were made to worship as a body and “one of the most important ways we worship God is by building up other members of the body” (p. 85).

Bob also gives some misconceptions about worship and answers a lot of questions about our words and behavior, about gathering as a church, about singing and music, and about serving within the church, for all of these are expressions of worship. What does it mean to worship? What does it look like to exalt God? What if you don’t feel like singing? What about distractions? What does it mean to experience and seek God’s presence? Despite the various difficulties we need to pursue God in desperate dependence, eager expectation, and humble responsiveness (p. 137).

“Some of us say we want to encounter God, but we aren’t expecting him to show up. We don’t really think he’ll do or say anything. We’re like a parent opening a closet door to check whether the monster our child heard is really there. We appear to be expecting something, but we’d faint or scream if we found anything.” (p. 139)

“[Worship is] an all-of-life response to the forgiveness we’ve received through the gospel… Worship begins in our hearts, but always works its way out into visible actions.” (p. 53)

Holding Hands, Holding Hearts: Recovering a Biblical view Christian Dating by Richard & Sharon Phillips

This was a really good book! When it comes to the topic of guy/girl relationships this was a real practical book with a beautiful Bible-based foundation. Whether you call it “dating “ or “courting” or something else, I would say this is a great resource for establishing a Biblical perspective on relationships. They start off building a Biblical framework for godly relationships and how God intended men and women to function. Then they address the characteristics men and women should be seeking in a spouse and seeking to develop in themselves. Richard and Sharon share their own experiences as well and discuss what men and women usually tend to focus on and what they should be focusing on instead, mainly, godly character. When getting to know someone and/or pursuing a relationship how should you be communicating? How should you approach a (first) date? What is the appropriate way to go about growing a relationship? They emphasized that marriage should not be built on compatibility. Compatibility is certainly important to a degree (especially on essential things like doctrine, raising children, etc.), but being overly focused on that is not what will make marriage succeed. Instead marriage should be built on a willingness to love – no matter what. One key to marriage is repentance, forgiveness, and renewed obedience to God, “and if Christians can live in such a way, then they can be happily married.” (p. 165) Richard & Sharon give 3 main things that they see as central in a relationship: commitment, intimacy and interdependence. Commitment should grow first (and be clearly communicated), followed by a growth in intimacy and then more and more interdependence. The goal in our relationships (as Christians) should be to honor, encourage and build up our brother/sister and guard their hearts. We should be striving for honor and holiness in our relationships and to ultimately bring glory to God. Three important tools in this process are counsel, prayer and accountability.

This book will give you some real practical advice not just on relationships but on how you can grow personally to be the man/women that God is calling you to be. Godliness is expressed through a life lived in trust in the Lord and a desire to serve others not seeking what you can gain. True feminine beauty is trust and peace in the Lord. True manly confidence is built on godly character and trust in God not self-confidence. I was reminded of how much I still need to grow in my relationship with the Lord and how much character I can still grow in. The last chapter speaks about singleness as a trial and how we should strive for contentment, joy and purpose in this season just like in any other trial. It is indeed true that if you cannot be content while single you will not be content married either.

“We would gladly settle for mere happiness in life. But God is determined that we should be holy, and through holiness partake of his own glory.” (p. 168)

 “Many men think of the call to give themselves for a women solely in terms of her protection… But they fail to realize that when a women enters a dating relationship, she mainly needs to be protected from the sins of the very man to whom she is offering her heart.” (p. 72)

Jesus, Justice & Gender Roles by Kathy Keller

This was such a great little book, it was recommended to me by a friend and I was super happy to discover it! If you want to read a book on gender roles this would be my go-to! It’s short (39 pages) but Kathy does a great job of answering the question about gender roles in the church. There are two main views: Egalitarianism says that there are no differences in roles at all, complementarianism says that while the genders are equal there are differences in role. Kathy takes what I would call a more liberal complementarian view which I personally would consider very balanced. She shows from Scripture that men are given the unique role of authoritative leadership in the church in that they alone can be elders (or have a position in the church that is overseeing the pastor, involved in church discipline, etc.). However, there is evidence in Scripture as well that women can still lead and do as much as any other layman in the church.

“Having an open mind doesn’t mean leaving it open on both ends.” (p. 29)

“Justice, in the end, is whatever God decrees. So whether or not you are able to see justice in divinely created gender roles depends largely on how much trust you have in God’s character.” (p. 38)

What’s the Difference by John Piper

This shorter book was kind of an excerpt from Piper & Grudem’s longer book “Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood”. It was a very good essay that does a good job defining manhood and womanhood according to Scriptural principles. He is very clear and very balanced in his approach and how he defines the characteristics of manhood and womanhood and I found the book refreshing and encouraging.

“In the home when a husband leads like Christ and a wife responds like the bride of Christ, there is harmony and mutuality that is more beautiful and more satisfying than any pattern of marriage created by man.” (p. 66)

Men and Women, Equal Yet Different: A Brief Study of the Biblical Passages on Gender by Alexander Strauch

Maybe you’ve noticed a theme here. I got into some discussions on gender role over the last few months so have been reading books on this subject. Holding Hands, Holding Hearts (above) actually discusses this as well and does a really great job! This one was good, although I’d probably recommend the above books before this one. But still, he beautifully lays out God’s design for roles in marriage. Loving leadership (headship) by the husband and submissive support & help by the wife is God’s design and when you see how it was intended to be it is indeed beautiful.

“…the distinguishing mark of the Christian home should be selfless, self-sacrificing love initiated by the husband.” (p. 60)

“Christlike love adds a divine and mutually beneficial character to the role differences between Christian men and women.” (p. 11)

Thoughts & Goals for the New Year

This past year was one of real suffering, of physical, emotional and spiritual weakness, but it was also a display of God's faithfulness and ability to bring healing to my body and soul. As difficult as the first half of this past year was I am thankful for the experience and for all that God taught me through it. It's been a really amazing last few months with me heading to seminary in September and it will be exciting in this next year to see how God leads me as I graduate this spring!

There’s a lot being said about now about New Year’s resolutions and if/how we should make them. I do think it is good to periodically evaluate your life and see where you need to grow and change, and this takes humility. You have to be honest and willing to admit where you have failed or where you are weak. But we also need to realize that it’s not always enough to just “resolve”. There needs to be true commitment and a plan towards the changes you want to make. And let us echo the words of Elisabeth Elliot below and seek to make our growth into the likeness of Christ our primary goal!

But as we make resolutions or set goals the first step towards change must be prayer. We cannot change apart from the work of the Holy Spirit, at least it won’t be real, long-lasting change. I’ve been thinking and praying over the last week about areas in my life where the Lord is showing me that I need to grow and change and came up with the following four. I have committed to daily praying specifically about each of these and evaluating my progress. To my close friends, as you are able please do pray for me and assuming you are able to offer constructive criticism (see my posts on that maybe if you're not sure!) then you have my permission to ask me about these areas and how I am doing… as Christians we are part of a body for a reason; we need each other.

So, four areas where I need to and want to grow and change this year:

I want to be more focused on the Lord and on the present in my thought life.

I put this one first, because the truth is if you want to change in ANY area, the first thing that needs to change is your thought patterns. But thinking patterns are hard to change and there are limits to practical steps you can take towards change. But I am seeking to try to be more aware of my thinking patterns and be more spiritual minded and focused on the present (as opposed to thinking about things that aren’t relevant or helpful or are distracting or where I’m over-thinking the future that I have no control over). Prayer is going to be crucial here, and I will be seeking to have more of an attitude of prayer.

I want to quit eating sugar and “extra” sides or snacks.

Oh boy. I cannot tell you how many times I have tried to do this and failed or not lasted very long. Quite honestly, I am not strong enough which shows me even more that I need to press towards growth and change in this area. On the other hand, there have been times where I have been successful so I know that it IS possible – especially since I have the Holy Spirit and a new nature within me that enables me to resist temptation! But this is a difficult area for me because I have SUCH a sweet tooth and it’s hard for me to resist things that I like. It can be small like a piece of bread with dinner or snacking on nuts when I’m not hungry. Or it can be bigger like wanting some ice cream or chocolate. Also, how often do we eat just to be social when we really don’t need to and it’s not really helpful to our bodies?

So… (here it goes, Lord help me!) I will be seeking to not eat sugar and avoid unnecessary snacks and “sides”. But to be realistic sugar is in almost everything so it’s acceptable to have things like salad dressing or if it’s in something that I can’t really help.

I want to become more grace-filled in my speech.

To put it negatively, I want to be less negative and critical in my speech (and my thoughts too). Most people that know me probably would say that I don’t have a problem with this at all, but still the Lord has convicted me about this. I do find myself being critical of others and I desire to grow in graciousness and love towards others.

I want to spend less time with social media/entertainment.

It can be super easy to take a break from school work and “just check Facebook” or watch a movie. This easily becomes a bad habit and a big time waster. To put this positively, I want to pray more and read more. This is also a matter of self-control and saying no to something I want to do at a given moment. This will be a difficult one as well, but it’s an area I do want to work on.

Specific goals in this area are that I will seek to at most, watch 1 movie per week and that only on Friday/Saturday (although exceptions may be made if I’m with friends/family). In regards to limiting my time on Facebook, I’m still not sure how to best do this so that it will be most effective for me. I probably need to get a timer to keep track of my time. Also, I will seek to not be on at all in the morning hours.   

I decided also to pick a verse for the year, Psalm 19:14: "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD my strength and my Redeemer."

Thanks for reading my blog this year... I don't really know who all does, but I wish you all a very happy and blessed year ahead!

Is Anxiety Sinful?

This post is based on a session given at the 2015 CCEF National Conference. This particular session was titled “Six Ways to Help and Anxious Person” and was presented by David Powlison. For more information please visit http://www.ccef.org/

The reality is that in this fallen, uncertain world we have good reason to be afraid. We should not be surprised of the abundant reasons we have to be concerned. However, there are better reasons to not be afraid, the main one being that we have a God who is in control of the world and every detail of our lives. But despite this hope-giving truth, I for one have struggled with anxiety. There was a time where my body and mind were both working against me to overwhelm me with feelings of stress and anxiety. At times I didn’t even have a good reason to feel anxious, but I still was. Sometimes I couldn’t even explain how I was feeling or why I was feeling that way. How is one to understand these feelings? Are those feelings of anxiety, as some preachers and writers have said, sinful in and of themselves? Do I need to repent of what I feel?

The answer, I would argue, is no. Feelings of anxiety are not sinful. Feelings and thoughts of worry are not sin and one should not feel guilt concerning them. Feelings cannot be sinful in and of themselves, for they are just indicators of what is going on in our mind, body and heart. Feelings and thoughts are not sinful, but they may be a temptation, and it is the response that can be sinful. This is a very important distinction; those who are anxious are not necessarily sinning! There are bodily weakness that can contribute, or it may be the result of other suffering. Those struggling need others to ask questions and understand their struggle. They need help to respond well to this temptation. There is usually much more going on below the surface that even they realize.

As we seek to help those who struggle with anxiety David Powlison gives us four questions we can ask. First we should help them ask “What’s going on with me?” We need to help them understand what they are feeling. This was such a great point because when you’re feeling anxious often you are not really sure what you are actually feeling. Also, they need to get to the root of their feelings – what is underneath their anxiety. Often there is fear, and they need to realize and face that fear. Second, “Who’s here with me?” They need to be reminded that God is with them and they can trust Him. Often in times of suffering it is hard to feel loved by God and they may need to be reassured of this truth. During my own personal struggle with anxiety and depression something that helped so much was people reminding me over and over that God loved me - because my circumstances and feelings were telling me otherwise. Third, “What’s pressing in on me?” Anxiety reveals what’s important to us, what we can’t control. We need to face those things and bring them to God. This leads to the fourth question which is “What’s hijacking my heart?” We easily forget who God is and fear man or circumstances more; we need to realize what is ruling our heart.

Then there are two action steps we can present to those who are struggling with anxiety. First, we need to help them have an honest conversation and be transparent about their struggles. Their feelings are not just going to disappear, they need to deal with them! We cannot hide, we need to be open. I love how he talked about how our prayers are worries, but they are God-oriented. We take our concerns to God in prayer, and to others to help us. Secondly, we need to help them focus on doing what needs doing today. God has things for them to do now; He has a mission and a purpose right now, even though life seems really overwhelming. Often we just need to focus on taking small steps of obedience and not on the bigger, distant things that we have no control over anyway! Repentance indeed may be needed. We may need to repent of our desire to control or of our self-centeredness. These are the actual sins that need to be dealt with; feelings of anxiety are simply the overflow.

For some anxiety may be a long-term struggle. This is a trial and a suffering that God has allowed in your life but He is in the one in control and will carry you through. But also remember that in it He also calls you to seek to persevere through it in faith. Throughout Scripture we meet men and women who were beset by circumstances that left them overwhelmed, anxious and weary. But they also give examples of how we should respond -David wrote the words on the picture below as he sought to bring his anxieties to the Lord. By all means seek medical counsel and remember that just because you feel anxiety doesn't mean you are sinning. But you do need to pay attention to how you are responding to those feelings. The beautiful thing is that anxiety can be a door to faith; it’s an opportunity to trust God. In fact, you have a responsibility to seek to trust God no matter what you feel. You are not a victim of your feelings, they do not have to control you; they do not define who you are. Also, this is an opportunity for the church community to love and pray for others. We need to be open and honest about our struggles, and we need to seek to know how people are really doing. As we learn to really get to know others and what’s going on in their heart we can better minister and love them. That is what the Church is supposed to be all about. 

Seminary Update: Finals Week!

I finished up my classes last week, which was rather bittersweet. I so enjoyed being a student and taking the classes this semester that I'm sad it's over. But I start again in January (I'm taking 3 credits over the J-term). And hey, I made it through the semester still a New Covenant Baptist! :-)

Finals start this coming Thursday and I have 6 of them so I'm trying to focus on studying, which is rather tedious. I like writing papers better!!! Some of my classes were challenging but I feel like I learned so much through them! Most were application or case study response papers so really practical. I also wrote a research paper on the work of the Holy Spirit in the Old Testament which was really interesting to study.

I'm super grateful for this whole semester and for all that I've experienced and learned. I'd appreciate your prayers now through next Tuesday as I study and take my finals. I really want to do well! Thank you to all who have been so supportive, encouraging and who have prayed for me through this time. I wish you all a very merry Christmas! May the Lord richly bless you in this season and in the new year ahead!

Seminary Update: November Happenings and Reading List

Hello, and happy November! I’m counting down to 2 weeks till Thanksgiving break! We’ve had a lovely fall here (I think in New England they did as well), the end of October/very beginning of November were quite warm! It was nice to have a little longer fall! I did get a cold two weeks ago, and am still getting over the leftovers from it, but otherwise I’ve been doing good. I had 2 midterms which went pretty well. Now just a few more papers for the semester (I think 3 more bigger ones) and then finals!

Books I’ve been reading: Various books for classes, some on Christian history, Old Testament theology, and some counseling information reading. I’ve read Augustine’s Confessions, Calvin’s Institutes (just part of it), Jonathan Edwards (a collection of various writings), The Defense of the Faith by Cornelius Van Til (great book on apologetics – heavy reading though!), and also The Battle Belongs to the Lord by Scott Oliphint (my apologetics professor), Darkness is My Only Companion by Kathryn Greene-McCreight (really great book on bipolar disorder from a Christian perspective), and I’ll be starting Christianity and Liberalism by J. Gresham Machen soon.

In addition (!) to school reading I also recently read this book: How the Irish Saved Civilization by Thomas Cahill. The author is not a Christian, but this is a fascinating account of the fall of the Roman Empire into ruin and illiteracy and how the Irish actually brought back learning, books and also Christianity to the European continent. Without St. Patrick’s mission work in Ireland we would not have the vast amount of Latin literature we have today. If you like history, this is a great one to pick up!

I went downtown Philly last Saturday for just a few hours, so that was fun. A few pictures below....

Til next time, I wish you all a happy Thanksgiving!

A Time to Speak (part 2: 10 ways to Confront in Love)

This post is based on a session given at the 2015 CCEF National Conference. This particular session was titled “10 Ways to Confront in Love” and was presented by Alistair Groves. For more information please visit http://www.ccef.org/

In the last post we talked about the foundation we need to build before confronting someone. If you have not read that most please do so first! It’s important to have that groundwork covered before you move forward. But as you do here are 10 ways we can confront in love. (These I learned from Alistair Groves at the conference mentioned above so are not original to me.) They are not in any particular order, but the first 5 should be pursued first before proceeding to the others.

1. Ask questions. Ah how many hurt feelings could be avoided if we learned this art! At the risk of sounding repetitive, please go over the cautions again in the previous post. Do NOT assume that you know what the person meant or that you know what’s wrong. Ask honest, curious-type questions and really listen to them. And how you ask these questions is important to, watch your attitude. It’s easy to ask questions in a critical manner. That will likely result in the other person being defensive and that will only make things more difficult. Do not be critical or make judgments about their motives, feelings, etc. Rather, with gentleness seek to know what is really going on.

“The first one to plead his cause seems right, until his neighbor comes and examines him.” - Prov 18:17

2. Encourage. Did you know that your encouragement can actually be a way of confronting someone? You do this by naming and encouraging the good that you see. Indirectly this lets them know that the opposite is not OK. They may need to see the contradiction, and encouraging the good things helps them to see more clearly. 

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up.” - 1 Thes 5:11

3. Remind. Simply remind them of what God wants for their life and what the Holy Spirit is seeking to produce in them. We easily forget that God’s goal for our life is holiness and gently reminding them of that will help to re-orient them to right thinking. Do this without criticizing or telling them what they’re doing wrong. 

“For this reason I will not be negligent to remind you always of these things, though you know and are established in the present truth.”  - 2 Peter 1:12

4. Exhort. This is basically holding up before them what is good and encouraging them to pursue it. Give them a good goal to press towards and show them ways that they could grow. Again, do this with gentleness and without being judgmental. 

“Finally then, brethren, we urge and exhort in the Lord Jesus that you should abound more and more, just as you received from us how you ought to walk and to please God.”  - 1 Thes 4:1

5. Acknowledge the difficulty of temptation. Be sensitive to the fact that they may be struggling and that the struggle with temptation is HARD! Saying something like “wow, if that were me I would be tempted to _____, how are you dealing with that?” is a way of helping them realize the fact that they are being tempted and need to be fighting it. 

“The law of the wise is a fountain of life, to turn one away from the snares of death.” - Prov 13:14

Now these latter 5 begin to feel more like actual “confrontation”. Again, these should be exercised only after the former 5 have been put into practice. Also these steps should only be pursued if you are convinced there is actual sin involved.

6. Express concern. Tell them that you’re concerned, but do NOT give advice. Giving advice or counsel at this point still may mean you are presuming upon their motives and it’s important to wait to see how they respond to this step. Ask more questions to get to their heart. While here you are pressing a little harder still proceed with gentleness, you’re expressing concern not attacking them!

“Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” - Prov 20:5 

7. Admonish/Warn. This is more like actual correction. It’s saying something like “I don’t think you should be doing that because….” You believe they are doing something that could be sinful so you should have pretty clear Scriptural principles backing you up at this point, and you should be showing it to them. This is also where you would also warn them of implications/consequences. 

“I do not write these things to shame you, but as my beloved children I warn you.” - 1 Cor 4:14

8. Plead/Urge. This takes it a step further. You are urging them to stop and think about what they are doing (or not doing perhaps). Seek to show them how much you care about them and earnestly ask them to reconsider/repent. 

“I urge you in the sight of God who gives life to all things, and before Christ Jesus… that you keep this commandment without spot, blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ's appearing.” - 1 Tim 6:13-14 

9. Rebuke. One step further that basically says “What you are doing is wrong and you need to stop/repent”. Sin can be very clearly identified, and they are showing resistance to the truth.

“Those who are sinning rebuke in the presence of all, that the rest also may fear.” - 1 Tim 5:20

10. Hand over/Cut off. If they are unrepentant, this is where something like church discipline would commence (Matthew 18). If it’s not someone in your church, than you still may need to distance yourself or even cut off your relationship with them but you do so purposefully, clearly telling them that unless they repent you cannot treat them as a fellow Christian. 

"Put away from yourselves the evil person." – 1 Cor 5:13

A few comments on what to do if you’ve done this all wrong… 
-Humbly confess to God where you’ve been wrong and then be willing to go to the person you’ve (most likely) offended with your wrong attitude/approach.

-If the situation was never resolved, now is not the time to try and do it right. You need to simply ask for forgiveness and work to restore the relationship. Sorry to say, you lost the right to speak into their life so don’t presume that you can just pick up where you left off. They may not trust you very much. There may be a time in the future where you can talk to them about the issue and begin to confront them correctly but again, proceed with much caution and prayer.

A Time to Speak (part 1: How to Confront in Love)

This post is based (in part) on a session given at the 2015 CCEF National Conference. This particular session was titled “10 Ways to Confront in Love” and was presented by Alistair Groves. For more information please visit http://www.ccef.org/

Believe it or not, confronting can be done in love, AND it can be done without feeling like “confrontation”! We are told to “speak the truth in love” (Eph 4:15) but most of the time we end up being heavy-handed on one or the other.  Most of the time we either avoid confrontation in the name of “love” (usually because we don’t want to get involved or we are fearful of the person’s reaction), or we confront too strongly in the name of “truth”. We need to learn to be balanced and be grounded in a right understanding of truth with humility and love. Your goal in confrontation is not to win your viewpoint; rather it is to win your brother/sister. Your goal is to grow closer to the person, not push them further away. Unfortunately often in confronting someone we end up doing the latter.

 “A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle.”      - Prov 18:19

How can we avoid this? First of all it’s important to consider the situation from another perspective, not just your own; sometimes we can be blindsided by our own point of view. Perhaps we were offended because we took it too personally. Take a step back from the situation and consider whether or not you are being overly sensitive. Is it really that big of a deal? Also, remember that the vast majority of the time what we need to do is cover the offense. If it’s not a sin issue or something that is really affecting the relationship than for the sake of love, we need to put it aside. We need to learn to cover well and love others despite disagreements.

 “The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression.”    - Prov 19:11

However, there are times when there is something that we believe is sinful or something that is hindering the relationship. As we consider the idea of confronting the other person we first need to deal with our own hearts. Oh our hearts are so deceitful. We think we know so much. Let me give you a few cautions:

-beware of your assumptions! We very quickly assume we know what the other person meant, how they are feeling, what exactly they’re thinking….. hmm yeah, we don’t! “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.” (Prov 18:13)

-beware of your pride. Humility is so, SO crucial! If you think you’re humble enough, wait awhile longer, you’re probably not. “By pride comes nothing but strife…” (Prov 13:10)

-beware of your feelings. Many times we confront because we were personally offended. But this cannot be about you! We cannot be motivated out of personal feelings, offense or resentment. “A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.” (Prov 29:11) & “A fool has no delight in understanding, But in expressing his own heart.” (Prov 18:2)

-beware of your attitude. Gentleness is another crucial characteristic that we need to exercise in this process. Gentleness means that we use the least amount of force necessary. It is caution and quietness.“By long forbearance a ruler is persuaded, and a gentle tongue breaks a bone.” (Prov 25:15)

In summary, spend time in prayer about the situation. Prayer is important as it helps to orient you correctly to God, and the reality that you need His help! In prayer you ask the Lord to guide you and to work growth and change in you, not just in the other person. Ask the Lord to humble you, to reveal anything in you that needs to change. The ultimate goal is to glorify God and then to win your brother/sister to greater growth in Christ.

In a follow-up post I will give 10 ways Alistair Groves gave on how to confront in love.