A Time to Speak (part 2: 10 ways to Confront in Love)

This post is based on a session given at the 2015 CCEF National Conference. This particular session was titled “10 Ways to Confront in Love” and was presented by Alistair Groves. For more information please visit http://www.ccef.org/

In the last post we talked about the foundation we need to build before confronting someone. If you have not read that most please do so first! It’s important to have that groundwork covered before you move forward. But as you do here are 10 ways we can confront in love. (These I learned from Alistair Groves at the conference mentioned above so are not original to me.) They are not in any particular order, but the first 5 should be pursued first before proceeding to the others.

1. Ask questions. Ah how many hurt feelings could be avoided if we learned this art! At the risk of sounding repetitive, please go over the cautions again in the previous post. Do NOT assume that you know what the person meant or that you know what’s wrong. Ask honest, curious-type questions and really listen to them. And how you ask these questions is important to, watch your attitude. It’s easy to ask questions in a critical manner. That will likely result in the other person being defensive and that will only make things more difficult. Do not be critical or make judgments about their motives, feelings, etc. Rather, with gentleness seek to know what is really going on.

“The first one to plead his cause seems right, until his neighbor comes and examines him.” - Prov 18:17

2. Encourage. Did you know that your encouragement can actually be a way of confronting someone? You do this by naming and encouraging the good that you see. Indirectly this lets them know that the opposite is not OK. They may need to see the contradiction, and encouraging the good things helps them to see more clearly. 

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up.” - 1 Thes 5:11

3. Remind. Simply remind them of what God wants for their life and what the Holy Spirit is seeking to produce in them. We easily forget that God’s goal for our life is holiness and gently reminding them of that will help to re-orient them to right thinking. Do this without criticizing or telling them what they’re doing wrong. 

“For this reason I will not be negligent to remind you always of these things, though you know and are established in the present truth.”  - 2 Peter 1:12

4. Exhort. This is basically holding up before them what is good and encouraging them to pursue it. Give them a good goal to press towards and show them ways that they could grow. Again, do this with gentleness and without being judgmental. 

“Finally then, brethren, we urge and exhort in the Lord Jesus that you should abound more and more, just as you received from us how you ought to walk and to please God.”  - 1 Thes 4:1

5. Acknowledge the difficulty of temptation. Be sensitive to the fact that they may be struggling and that the struggle with temptation is HARD! Saying something like “wow, if that were me I would be tempted to _____, how are you dealing with that?” is a way of helping them realize the fact that they are being tempted and need to be fighting it. 

“The law of the wise is a fountain of life, to turn one away from the snares of death.” - Prov 13:14

Now these latter 5 begin to feel more like actual “confrontation”. Again, these should be exercised only after the former 5 have been put into practice. Also these steps should only be pursued if you are convinced there is actual sin involved.

6. Express concern. Tell them that you’re concerned, but do NOT give advice. Giving advice or counsel at this point still may mean you are presuming upon their motives and it’s important to wait to see how they respond to this step. Ask more questions to get to their heart. While here you are pressing a little harder still proceed with gentleness, you’re expressing concern not attacking them!

“Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” - Prov 20:5 

7. Admonish/Warn. This is more like actual correction. It’s saying something like “I don’t think you should be doing that because….” You believe they are doing something that could be sinful so you should have pretty clear Scriptural principles backing you up at this point, and you should be showing it to them. This is also where you would also warn them of implications/consequences. 

“I do not write these things to shame you, but as my beloved children I warn you.” - 1 Cor 4:14

8. Plead/Urge. This takes it a step further. You are urging them to stop and think about what they are doing (or not doing perhaps). Seek to show them how much you care about them and earnestly ask them to reconsider/repent. 

“I urge you in the sight of God who gives life to all things, and before Christ Jesus… that you keep this commandment without spot, blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ's appearing.” - 1 Tim 6:13-14 

9. Rebuke. One step further that basically says “What you are doing is wrong and you need to stop/repent”. Sin can be very clearly identified, and they are showing resistance to the truth.

“Those who are sinning rebuke in the presence of all, that the rest also may fear.” - 1 Tim 5:20

10. Hand over/Cut off. If they are unrepentant, this is where something like church discipline would commence (Matthew 18). If it’s not someone in your church, than you still may need to distance yourself or even cut off your relationship with them but you do so purposefully, clearly telling them that unless they repent you cannot treat them as a fellow Christian. 

"Put away from yourselves the evil person." – 1 Cor 5:13

A few comments on what to do if you’ve done this all wrong… 
-Humbly confess to God where you’ve been wrong and then be willing to go to the person you’ve (most likely) offended with your wrong attitude/approach.

-If the situation was never resolved, now is not the time to try and do it right. You need to simply ask for forgiveness and work to restore the relationship. Sorry to say, you lost the right to speak into their life so don’t presume that you can just pick up where you left off. They may not trust you very much. There may be a time in the future where you can talk to them about the issue and begin to confront them correctly but again, proceed with much caution and prayer.

A Time to Speak (part 1: How to Confront in Love)

This post is based (in part) on a session given at the 2015 CCEF National Conference. This particular session was titled “10 Ways to Confront in Love” and was presented by Alistair Groves. For more information please visit http://www.ccef.org/

Believe it or not, confronting can be done in love, AND it can be done without feeling like “confrontation”! We are told to “speak the truth in love” (Eph 4:15) but most of the time we end up being heavy-handed on one or the other.  Most of the time we either avoid confrontation in the name of “love” (usually because we don’t want to get involved or we are fearful of the person’s reaction), or we confront too strongly in the name of “truth”. We need to learn to be balanced and be grounded in a right understanding of truth with humility and love. Your goal in confrontation is not to win your viewpoint; rather it is to win your brother/sister. Your goal is to grow closer to the person, not push them further away. Unfortunately often in confronting someone we end up doing the latter.

 “A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle.”      - Prov 18:19

How can we avoid this? First of all it’s important to consider the situation from another perspective, not just your own; sometimes we can be blindsided by our own point of view. Perhaps we were offended because we took it too personally. Take a step back from the situation and consider whether or not you are being overly sensitive. Is it really that big of a deal? Also, remember that the vast majority of the time what we need to do is cover the offense. If it’s not a sin issue or something that is really affecting the relationship than for the sake of love, we need to put it aside. We need to learn to cover well and love others despite disagreements.

 “The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression.”    - Prov 19:11

However, there are times when there is something that we believe is sinful or something that is hindering the relationship. As we consider the idea of confronting the other person we first need to deal with our own hearts. Oh our hearts are so deceitful. We think we know so much. Let me give you a few cautions:

-beware of your assumptions! We very quickly assume we know what the other person meant, how they are feeling, what exactly they’re thinking….. hmm yeah, we don’t! “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.” (Prov 18:13)

-beware of your pride. Humility is so, SO crucial! If you think you’re humble enough, wait awhile longer, you’re probably not. “By pride comes nothing but strife…” (Prov 13:10)

-beware of your feelings. Many times we confront because we were personally offended. But this cannot be about you! We cannot be motivated out of personal feelings, offense or resentment. “A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.” (Prov 29:11) & “A fool has no delight in understanding, But in expressing his own heart.” (Prov 18:2)

-beware of your attitude. Gentleness is another crucial characteristic that we need to exercise in this process. Gentleness means that we use the least amount of force necessary. It is caution and quietness.“By long forbearance a ruler is persuaded, and a gentle tongue breaks a bone.” (Prov 25:15)

In summary, spend time in prayer about the situation. Prayer is important as it helps to orient you correctly to God, and the reality that you need His help! In prayer you ask the Lord to guide you and to work growth and change in you, not just in the other person. Ask the Lord to humble you, to reveal anything in you that needs to change. The ultimate goal is to glorify God and then to win your brother/sister to greater growth in Christ.

In a follow-up post I will give 10 ways Alistair Groves gave on how to confront in love. 

Just Put On A Happy Face

“How are you doing?” the umpteeth  person asked me. I smiled and said “fine”. Only, I wasn’t really. But that day, just like the day before, and the day before that, I put on a happy face and said that I was fine.

I’m sure you’ve been there; those hard days, that lonely path of suffering where you don’t feel that anyone could possibly understand. But you smile and say “I’m fine”. There are many reasons… I just want to hide, they won’t understand, they actually don’t understand, they won’t know what to say, it’s too awkward, I’m supposed to be happy, what’s wrong with me?

I was reading a book¹ recently and something the author talked about stood out to me as so true in many churches today. We tend to have this idea that if you’re a Christian you’re supposed to be happy no matter what. And especially when you come to church! If you’re suffering, well that’s normal, but we’re here to worship God not focus on our suffering. Todd Billings writes, “…when we inevitably face the reality of death or suffering – along with the fear, anger, and grief faced during other hardships – we are not encouraged to bring those ‘to church’; such emotions have come to be frowned on as ‘unreligious’. When worship expresses only ‘victory,’ it can unintentionally suggest that the broken and the lonely and the hurting have no place here.” (p. 41) But is that the way of Scripture? All throughout the book of Psalms we have psalms of lament. They are songs lamenting, complaining and crying out to God in the midst of suffering. Do you know how to comfort a suffering brother or sister? Too often most of us, if we do speak, say something like “I’ll be praying for you” (but then never follow up - this happens ALL the time, but I am guilty too!) or offer some trite word of “comfort” that actually isn’t comforting at all. How often has someone said to someone suffering “Don’t worry, God will work it all for good” or “God says we need to rejoice in our suffering”? While that is Biblical truth please excuse me while I go and nurse the wound that you just poured salt on. Unfortunately sometimes our efforts to help don't end up helping at all.

Too often we focus just on the need to praise God instead of the reality of suffering. Billings further writes, “Cherry-picking only the praises from the Psalms tends to shape a church culture in which only positive emotions can be expressed before God in faith. Since my diagnosis with cancer, I’ve found that my fellow Christians know how to rejoice about answered prayer and also how to petition God for help, but many don’t know what to do when I express sorrow and loss or talk about death.”

But we may ask, is it OK to complain to God? Isn’t that an expression of unbelief? It can be. Our lamenting to God can be misguided. But while we are called to “rejoice always” (Phil. 4:4) that doesn’t mean that we rejoice the actual suffering itself, rather we rejoice as we look past the suffering and see a God we can trust. “The Psalms bring our whole life before God – in happiness and grief, in joy and bitterness – and focus our eyes on God’s promises.” We can look to God and express anger at sin and its effects, we can cry out to God for judgment. God is a God of justice after all. But in these moments we yield Him the right to act and trust His timing. You notice in these psalms that they start off with lament, but then they grow. The psalmist moves from lament to a statement of trust in the Lord’s faithfulness even in the midst of his suffering. Lamenting to God does not mean that you have unbelief, although it can at times, it means that you realize that this isn’t the way things are supposed to be. We should bring our lamentations to God, but not against Him. If your laments are a prayer to God, than they are actually a form of worship, not a form of unbelief. Despair does not pray at all, unbelief accuses God, but lament brings its complaint to God, and looks upward. The Enemy of course will seek to use this as an occasion to condemn you for unbelief, as if you should be some kind of super-Christian who only rejoices in the midst of extreme suffering. That kind of person does not exist! Certainly God gives some an extra dose of grace in some circumstances to be remarkably joyful, but God also does not minimize our pain. It is real, and He wants to share in it with us. “Praise, petition, and lament in the Psalms are all tightly woven together in prayer that help us recognize and rest in God’s promises.”

Psalm 77:1-3 says, “I cried out to God with my voice - to God with my voice; and He gave ear to me. In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord; my hand was stretched out in the night without ceasing; my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered God, and was troubled; I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed.” Psalm 13:1 cries out “How long will you hide your face from me?  How long O Lord?” Psalm 62:8 says to “pour out your heart” to God. That means going to God will all your emotions. Take your pain, your disappointment, your confusion, your fear to God. That’s what prayer is; prayer is worries and doubts taken to God, to the One who can actually do something with them.  Another song of lament in the Bible comes from the book of Lamentations. Here we have a whole book full of laments to God concerning the destruction of Jerusalem and the captivity of God’s people. Especially chapter 3 where Jeremiah is despairing of God’s judgment against Israel. But then he says, “This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness” (Lam 3:21-23). There is hope, the sun will shine on you again.

It’s OK to feel sad, it’s OK to grieve. You don’t have to put on a happy face, you can be honest about your feelings and your struggles. Part of the beauty of the church is that we are all broken, we all need help. Don't be ashamed to admit it. Listen! We should not hide our needs from our brothers and sisters. We need to learn to have compassion on those who are hurting and you can help us. Instead of giving advice we need to learn to cry out to God with you for deliverance. Let us walk alongside of you.

Next time someone asks you how you are doing, be brave and try to be a little more honest. Start by saying something like "I'm just OK" and see how they respond. And for the rest of us, next time you ask someone how they’re doing, are you ready to really listen and love them?

¹ All quotes from this post are taken from J. Todd Billings’ book Rejoicing in Lament: Wrestling with Incurable Cancer & Life in Christ. Even if cancer is not your struggle, this book will still be extremely helpful and very encouraging to you as you walk through your own form of suffering, or as you seek to minister to others in midst of their suffering.

My Soul's Delight: Finding Treasure in the Field of Suffering

"Yes, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend.” (Song of Songs 5:16)

Nearly all my life I’ve wanted to be married. Not only that, but I wanted to get married young and have a whole string of little ones to raise. Well, here I am, 31, and not a prospect in sight! This has been an area of suffering for me, and the Lord tested my devotion to Him rather severely in the recent past. But, as extremely difficult as that season was, I have come out with something so valuable, that I really would go through it all again.

I’ve been a Christian since I was 13; I fell in love with Jesus then and never really looked back. But yet there was so much deeper to go, so much more of this Lord and Savior to know and delight in. The Bible talks about God being everything we need, about Christ being more precious than any other thing. We believe this to a degree. Yet coming to the point where we really, truly believe that so that it utterly consumes us, is another matter. To love Jesus to the point where your soul nearly bubbles over with joy; to the point where you just weep with joy; to the point where truly nothing else matters, that sadly is not the experience of many.

However, it is possible. David writes in Psalm 16:11, “You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” This is not theoretical! It’s real! Yes, it’s spiritual and not physical, but that doesn’t make it any less a reality. In His presence (which really is all the time), there IS fullness of joy, there are pleasures beyond anything this world has to offer. It took a severe disappointment, a hard time of suffering for me to learn this. There may indeed be weeping for a night, but joy does come in the morning (Ps. 30:5). There is a joy and delight to be found in Jesus that comes only when everything else has been stripped away. He indeed can fill the soul with a rapture and delight that is other-worldly.

I have been reading through the Gospel of John recently and was stopped short by a passage I have read probably a hundred times. The Pharisees brought a woman caught in the act of adultery to Jesus and basically asked for His judgment. But Jesus responds by saying “let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” At this all the men just walk away. Then the passage says this:

Jesus said to her, "Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one 
condemned you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said to her, "Neither do I 
condemn you; go and sin no more." (John 8:10-11)

To think that Christ, because of His death on the cross, does not condemn me, when He as the Creator of the universe ought to, it beyond amazing! I was nearly overwhelmed by the love of Christ! How glorious to think that He no longer condemns me! Are you amazed by this truth? If you’re not, then you know nothing or very little of God’s love. For how should one respond to such a love as this? How then shall I live? The answer is found in the last part of Jesus response: “go and sin no more”. This is more than going and trying not to sin; it’s much more than legalism. Jesus wants us to delight in Him! He wants us to love Him so freely, so unhindered, because it’s also there that we experience a greater measure if His love for us.

The other night I was in the car and a little song came on that was a love song. At first it only served as a rather painful reminder that I had no man to love me in that way, but then instantly I was reminded that I had a much better Lover. He loves me more than anyone else ever could! He wants my whole life, my whole heart, my whole devotion. This means my thought life, my spare time, my daily life stressors, my relationships with my family and others. All of it, He wants to be the center of every part of my life. Shall I resist Him? This wonderful beautiful Lover of my soul? If you do resist Him (even just in certain areas you are unwilling to fully surrender) what does that say about your response to this love? Can you really look at Christ on the cross and not give up all that you would hold dear?

Friend, Christ is all-sufficient for you! The struggle, the disappointment, the suffering you face is worth it, because on the other side you have the opportunity to know Jesus in a deeper way that you think is possible and let me tell you, it’s worth all the pain. Wait, and He will come to you, He will restore you and give you more joy than you had before. I would do it all again, I would turn away from the dreams I have for my life, and I will be content never getting married, all because He is enough . Unless the Lord so pleases and I meet a man who delights in Jesus as much as I do, there’s no way I’d give up what I’ve gained. I’m not perfect nor have I attained perfection, there will be trials yet ahead I am certain and times I will fail. But I’ve found a treasure hidden in the field of suffering, and He’s worth everything to me.

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

(from the hymn, Be Thou My Vision)

Seminary Life: Take 2

I’m still alive! Just kidding, I’m doing fine! We’re about 4 weeks into classes. Fall is here, but it’s been just in the last week that it’s gotten chilly. It was in the early 70’s still this week though!

                                                      View of campus from one side.

Classes are interesting and I'm loving it. A few of them are little “slow” at times for me just because I’ve learned some of the things before, but I'm making friends and enjoying it! I’m being indoctrinated with Covenant Theology…. which for some people is OK, but I just don't agree with it. I’ll have to to pay attention that I put the “right” answers down for mid-terms/finals. It has been a bit frustrating at times, because it’s so clear to me that they are contradicting themselves… but whatever! (If you don’t know what I’m talking about sorry, forgive the rant!) Anyway, I love LOVE my counseling coursework! CCEF is really solid Biblically, but sees people so holistically. It's very complex and deep; I’ve learned so much and have had to think about things deeper that I have before! So much insight! I’ve read I don’t know how many books (partial or whole) but I am still ahead on assignments so that’s super! Assignments often feel daunting at first, but once I get into it, I am learning a lot!

                                         My desk in my room.... I spend a lot of time there!

I’ve gotten a little job at a church nearby, watching 3 year-old's during a Bible Study. It’s just about 2 hours a week so not much, but gives me something to do outside of schoolwork and a bit of money. I’ve also settled on a church that I really like. It’s in northeast Philadelphia and there’s a discipleship group every other Sunday night that I’ll be going to so that’s nice! It’s a Sovereign Grace church, there's some great preaching, delightful worship times and I’m really enjoying it.

Tomorrow I’m heading HOME for weekend so that will be lovely! Next weekend I’ll be heading down to Virginia Beach for CCEF’s national conference.  I’m really looking forward to going; there are some great sessions and workshops lined up!

Thanks so much to those of you who are praying, it makes a difference! 

With love,

              Amelia

Seminary Life: First Taste

Well, here I am a seminary student!!!! This one of the dreams of my life that has actually come true and I’m extremely grateful to the Lord for leading and providing, and for my wonderful family for supporting and encouraging me in this. Thank you!

 I’ve survived orientation, my first full week of classes (classes actually started Thursday 9/10) and my first assignments! It’s a good thing I like to read, but I still have to take breaks and do something else for awhile. How many books have I read so far? I’d have to stop and think… a few and parts of 2 or 3 others. Also written 3 papers and most of another… At the moment I think I’m a bit ahead on my assignments, so that’s a good feeling!

I live a little over a mile away from campus and can ride my bike there if the weather’s nice (and not too hot!). I’ve found the cheap place to buy produce and am getting familiar with the area. We have chapel Tuesday and Wednesday and prayer groups on Thursday – which is going to be a really nice way to have some fellowship and build some relationships. Also on Monday and Friday I go to a mid-day prayer time at a church in Philly… if you saw my facebook post about it last week I said I met Miss Clara (from the movie War Room) – but not really, she just reminds me of her! It’s a nice break in my day of reading and study and a sweet time of prayer.

I am super blessed to enjoy reading and writing, but already there’s been moments when it’s been challenging. At times I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed! If you would like to pray for me that would be a huge blessing to me! Please specifically pray for:

-Humility – At times my “flesh” would like to think I can handle all this, but I need the Lord’s help and I need to be dependent on Him.

-That I will prioritize personal time in the Word and in prayer.

-Time management & Focus - that I’ll learn to use my time in the most efficient way possible and be able to concentrate well on what I’m reading/studying.

-That I will trust the Lord and not be anxious about all that I have to do, or about my future. This has been an ongoing process for me in the last 2 years.

-Over-all self-discipline – not just with time, but in other areas as well. (example: that I will eat healthy and exercise. You want more specifics? That I’ll stay away from the Baskin Robins/DD that’s just down the street!)

-Friendships. I’ve made some friends thus far, but would love to see those develop more over the semester and have some close ones.

In case you’d like to know about my Classes here they are:

Biblical Theology I: This is basically theology of the Old Testament. 6 response papers, a research paper, mid-term and final…. Here we go!

Survey of Church History: Pretty much self-explanatory. This will be my easiest class as I’ve already had some previous classes in this area.

Survey of Reformed Theology: Similar to previous class, but is focusing on the development (or re-development) of Reformed Theology post-Reformation. Should be an easier class as well as I am familiar with much of this. Some of the reading/assignments even just this week has been more difficult just because of the Covenantal theology emphasis which I disagree with.  

Old Testament for Ministry: This class is a follow-up class to Biblical Theology I (supposed to be taken 2^nd year, but I’m taking it now). This is looking like it will be a more difficult class with a lot of reading and 6 papers! I was/am looking forward to this class as I think it will be very interesting, but there’s a lot of work to do!

Counseling & Physiology: This class is all about how man is dualistic and consists of both body and soul/spirit. We are not just one or the other. Furthermore, these two things intersect and impact each other more than we realize. This will be an interesting class for sure!

Apologetics: This will be a more intense class. It’s involving a lot of critical thinking and some more heavy reading. The good news? No papers for this class! Again, getting a good dose of Covenantal theology…

Also for credit I will also be attending CCEF’s national conference in Virginia Beach in October, and will have some short response papers to write after attending sessions.

Doctrinal Divides

There are various “camps” within Christianity today. People often ask “why so many denominations?” or “why can’t all Christians just get along?” To our shame we do not get along as well as we should. But where some would blame it on “doctrine”, I would say that most of the time it is not doctrine that divides us, it’s arrogance.

To start off I want to clarify that it’s not that doctrine never divides, because it sometimes does. In fact, when it comes down to essentials of the Christian faith it should! There is such a thing as truth and that is found in the Word of God. There are things that "Orthodox" and those should be non-negotiable. There may also come a time when a Christian doesn’t agree with their church or a ministry on some non-essential but important points of doctrine or other things and the best course is to move elsewhere. That happens. However the division I am talking about here is relational division. I have seen brothers go through relational division because of doctrine to the point where they no longer speak or have contact, but I have also seen two people disagree over doctrine and yet have no “division” in their relationship. Certainly it takes both parties to do this; if one party is humble but the other is critical and arrogant, relational intimacy is going to be very difficult, if not impossible. There are times when you may have to cut yourself off from that person (even if they might not have intended to bring division) (Titus 3:10).

Also in writing this I am rather keenly aware of the pride within my own heart, although still probably not as much as I should be. I have been far too defensive, often judged or looked down on others and avoided people because I disagreed with them. But I have experienced grace too. God has been patient with me. But also I have experienced love and friendship from others towards me even when I know they don’t agree with me. It is for these people that I have come to have the utmost respect, despite any doctrinal disagreements and I am forever grateful. 

Does doctrine matter? Of course it does! Knowledge is essential for growth. In fact, John Piper writes “We are not safe from pride if we neglect serious thinking and turn away from knowledge. ‘My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge’ (Hos 4:6).” Doctrine matters. But as Sam Storms writes, “Theological truth is not the problem. Arrogance is.” When it comes down to the more minor, non-essential points of theology it is not actually the doctrine that divides. In other words, it’s not just about precise theology, it’s about our attitude. As 1 Cor. 13:2 says, we can have “all knowledge” but if we do not have love, it’s nothing. We ought to love truth, but it ought to lead us into a deeper humility. Does your doctrine humble you? Does it lead you to have a gracious attitude towards others? If not, you may need to re-examine your heart, and if you think you're not prideful, you very well may be in danger of it. (1 Cor. 10:12)

In our doctrine we all want to be on God’s side. But sometimes in claiming this we imply that the other person is not. This really is arrogant because we are only human; we don’t know everything. The truth is, we could be wrong!  We can start off with good intentions of being on “God’s side”, but then we end up fighting for our own because “certainly I’m right on this point” so I have a "right" to be defensive and critical. Jesus said, “But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned” (Matt 12:36-37). In all things we are called to be humble, and to love our brother/sister. Our words are to bring grace and encouragement to those who hear, they should not be used for tearing down. In the end, how much of our theology is really about God, and how much of it is really about us being right?

No one likes to think they are divisive, but I think most of us are more so that we’d like to admit. Can you be a divisive person at times? Here are some questions that may help:

·         Do you seek to have a high respect for over-all character of the person you disagree with?

·         You seek to love them as a brother/sister?

·         Do you speak negatively about them to others?

·         Do you avoid them?

·         Conversely, do you seek to maintain the friendship?

·         Do you get defensive?

·         Do you criticize them in a way that degrades (tears down) their reputation and character?

These questions are hard… they make me cringe, because I am guilty. But I also hope that I am learning. On that last question, criticism has become somewhat of a norm in Christianity today. Being critical of fine doctrinal points is something to be admired, we do want our doctrine to be “pure” after all. But do we realize how arrogant that is? Do you suppose that you have just a little more understanding (“smarts” we could say) or a little more of the Holy Spirit and you “know better” than someone else? I am so grieved at times at the critical spirit of so many Christians. They give some positives, but there’s always a “but” or a “however”. It’s like a disclaimer, “this was pretty good, but I don’t want to be known for totally agreeing with this… after all it doesn’t completely line up with exactly what I believe”. Why can’t we learn to be more gracious towards others, to praise the good we see and leave it at that? Must we always bring correction along with our praise? Is it really necessary and helpful?

One prayer I have for myself and for the church today is that we might learn to disagree with others more graciously, to let love cover a multitude of sins (or “misguided doctrine”), and learn to truly love others despite our disagreements that we might be the unified body Jesus prayed we would be (John 17).