Thoughts of a New Mama

My little boy just turned 3 months. The past few months have been crazy… right around the time he turned 2 months we packed up our apartment and moved from Philadelphia to Massachusetts where we have been living with my parents for a month now (waiting for our new apartment to be ready). Keller also has had some allergies which for several weeks made him spit up a LOT nearly every time I fed him and he was very uncomfortable (and thus fussy) a lot of the time (poor little guy!). We finally figured that out all it was (eggs, wheat and entire bean family!) when he was 10 weeks and he got SO much better. Early on I also developed pain in my wrists that still hasn’t gone away (currently wearing braces when he’s sleeping and going to see a doctor soon). Since he was born I had worked hard at getting Keller into a routine (wake, feed, play, sleep pattern) but his allergies made that difficult, then the stress of the move and being in a different place messed him all up and he regressed to taking 40 minute naps and wanting to eat every 2-2.5 hours. He was waking twice at night which wasn’t too bad, it was more during the day and getting him to sleep at night. When he was sleeping a lot of times I would think I heard crying. Nearly EVERY SINGLE TIME he woke up from his nap I would sigh with frustration – 40 minutes again! It was tiring! I tried at one point to get him on a 3 hour routine (which involved letting him cry for a bit when he woke early from naps) but then wasn’t sure he wasn’t quite ready, plus I knew we’d be moving into our new place in a few more weeks. I didn’t want to make things more difficult so thought maybe I should just roll with it until we were settled? I had so many doubts… Do I let him cry? Do I rock him to sleep every time? Do I roll with it? Was I doing the right thing? But then I had two nights of him waking 3 times, plus only four 40 minute naps (which meant I only got a half hour nap in the morning) and that night I couldn’t fall asleep for awhile because I was (again) crying with frustration, uncertainty and from just being tired. My sweet husband asks what he can do and all I can think is “I don’t know”. I WISH I knew. I wish someone could just tell me exactly what to do and it would fix everything. The problem is there’s so many different people telling you so many different things. Do this, don’t do that, have you tried _____? I mean, who do you listen to? I would get SO annoyed with anyone who told me to “cherish every moment”… how the heck am I supposed to do that? And then I’d feel like a failure because I wasn’t enjoying motherhood very much at all at the moment.

I leaned towards just rolling with it, but I was so exhausted emotionally and physically that then I was all anxious about having a breakdown. This is even while we were living with my parents and my mom helped me sometimes. But the thought of soon moving to be on our own stressed and frightened me too. My sister-in-law reminded me that in order for my little one to be happy and healthy his mama needed to sleep! That means either pumping a lot (which gets complicated when you have a baby to take care of) or getting formula so that my husband could do feeds when he was at home or, putting him on a schedule and teaching him to sleep. All this came with another whole set of emotional stress… I’m his mother, I’m supposed to be able to feed and care for him. Having someone else feed him or giving formula felt like I was failing in a huge way. My whole life I’ve wanted to be a mom, now here I am feeling as though I am failing miserably. Welcome to reality I guess. It’s incredibly humbling to say the least.

I also had to work through being concerned about what other moms might think… I can’t seem to figure this out when others have. Are they going to look down on me for not being able to handle it? I had to talk to God a lot about my concerns about being “successful” and having everything under control and being too concerned about other’s opinions.  

I’ve had my pride crushed… I’m having to swallow it whole. I’m learning to be OK with not having all the answers or having it all together. There are many times I just feel like hiding away, afraid of being judged. But I know I need others around me for encouragement. I have family members and friends who love me and understand how hard it can be. I need to ask for help, for prayer. And I’m so thankful for different family members taking the time to talk and give advice, and for the encouragement of many others.

Motherhood is not easy. Whatever you might think, however it may appear, it’s not! Even if you don’t happen to struggle much at first, it will humble you eventually. At times it will mean having your pride utterly crushed. Motherhood is about growing in patience, genuine self-less love, self-control. It’s about learning how much you need God and others.

I’m in the middle of a big mess. I’m trying to work things through with God. I’m trying to figure out what’s best for me and my son. It’s hard, it’s tiring, there’s SO much uncertainty! But there’s God and His grace, baby smiles and giggles. It’s enough.

 

Answered Prayer: Keller’s Birth Story

I am very pleased to share that our son, Keller Michael Coburn, was born at 2:33am on Saturday May 5^th. He weighed in at 8 pounds, 7 ounces and is doing great! 

 

The title of this post may seem a bit strange after I tell you that there were a lot of prayers said before and during my labor and delivery with Keller that seemingly weren’t answered. We prayed for a “normal” delivery at the Birth Center (easy/fast would have been great too but I was happy to settle for a fairly normal one) and without complications. But the labor was very long and difficult… I was in labor for 50 hours and pushed for at least 4! Things did not go according to plan… I ended up transferring from the Birth Center to the hospital across the street (after 3 hours of pushing and still feeling strong contractions/urges to push – that was a crazy experience!) and needed the assistance of a vacuum to finally be able to get him out. They had to cut the cord right away and take him to clean him off because he’d pooped quite a bit and needed suctioning so it was about 2 minutes before I was able to hold him. I also developed pretty bad hemorrhoids which complicated my recovery on top of getting an episiotomy (although that was better than tearing which I certainly would have).  It was the most exhausting and painful experience of my life! (And my poor, sweet husband – it was very hard on him emotionally and mentally to watch me through the whole ordeal!) Needless to say, there was a lot of very discouraging and disheartening moments.

But the truth is, God DID answer all of our prayers…. He just delayed many of them and said no to a few. I don’t know why. There were multiple times God didn’t answer my prayer in the timing I was asking for – especially in the pushing stage where one prayer I prayed was “Please Lord, let this be the time he gets below the pelvic bone” (he was not progressing past that point for quite awhile). Or later with “Please let his head come out with this round!” (Again, he was crowning for awhile but I didn’t get him out until the vacuum was used.) God delayed….

Why does God delay answering prayer? Why does He say “No” to certain requests? I don’t know. But I DO know that He is good, that He did answer many prayers….

Prayers God answered:

--I have a healthy, beautiful, perfect little boy! (I cried as I wrote this!)

--I was able to deliver vaginally and not have a c-section (Oh man, I could not imagine having to have gone through all that labor and then have a c-section & recovery on top of everything else!) Honestly, there were several moments where I thought “just take him out, I can’t do this anymore,” but afterwards, I was/am SO grateful to have avoided it!

--I had amazing midwives and nurses helping me along the way, and a great doctor at the hospital who pushed me through (and provided assistance with the vacuum) and helped me avoid the c-section. One nurse from the birth center who came over to the hospital didn’t have to stay but she did until he was born – she wanted to see it through. Everyone was so encouraging through the whole process and said that I did “just amazing”! (Apparently on my record more than one of them said I was “heroic”…  To God be the glory of course, but I do have to say, I was pretty amazing to do all that!)

--My husband was a rock through the whole thing! I’m so thankful for his encouragement and strength through the whole ordeal. And he’s already an amazing dad!

--God DID give me strength – I did it! I’m thankful God gave me the ability and wisdom to prepare my body ahead of time (I worked hard at eating healthy and exercising all through my pregnancy) and that I was strong and fit to endure the process.

All in all, while I certainly hope I never have to go through that long and difficult a process again, I am so grateful for God’s provision, grace and strength. Also, thankful for many family and friends praying before, during and since Keller’s birth.

Thank you, Lord, for my precious bundle of joy! (More pictures will come soon!)

Thoughts on Preparing for Motherhood

I’m currently 38 weeks pregnant…. and very ready for this little guy to come! I kind of meant to blog more about this season, but oh well, here we are! I fluctuate at times between being very excited and slightly panicked… I’m going to have a little person to take care of and raise!!!!! It’s scary, humbling, but oh SO amazing! I am so thankful for this blessing, and for my wonderful husband who’s doing this with me!  

 

Preparing for motherhood is much more than scrapbooking your pregnancy (although that was fun). It's also a lot more than putting the car seat in the car or setting up the baby's bed (all very exciting stuff!). In some ways I have been preparing for this my whole life. If you’d asked me when I was 8, 13, 16 what I wanted to be when I got older I would have said “A mommy!” (This involved getting married first of course! My first dream came true in the form of my husband Mike, and the second is coming true very soon!) I spent several years as a teen and young adult working as a mother’s helper, teaching a kindergarten class at church, working with youth group and babysitting a ton. So, I certainly didn’t lack experience with children and babies. I came across this book recently that I’d saved from when I was younger because it’s what I earnestly dreamed for.  

 My mom, having been a great mom to me, has been very instrumental in who I am and how I am approaching motherhood myself. I am blessed to have had a great mom who I want to be like (for the most part anyway) and have learned so much from. Also, having an older sister who has four kids has been immensely helpful as I’ve walked through pregnancy and preparing for motherhood. She is not only one of my best friends but an amazing example as a wife and mother, and I am so grateful! Pictured with me below at a baby shower last month is my mom, my sister and my sister’s two daughters (I was 35 weeks there).

I’ve read a number of books so far in regards to pregnancy, birth and parenting. The main ones (all very helpful) were: Mama Natural Guide to Pregnancy & Childbirth (by Genevieve Howland), Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth (by Ida May Gaskin), Baby Wise (by Gary Ezzo – focuses a lot on sleep training, we’re going to try it and we’ll see how it goes!), The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, and Parenting (by Paul Tripp).

I’ll (hopefully) be giving birth at a birth center about 35 minutes from our home. There we were also required to take three classes: Breastfeeding, Childbirth, and First Days At Home. There was a lot of content that I already knew from my personal reading, but good review and questions/answers. I feel very blessed to be so educated about how to take care of myself and my baby… many women don’t have the same support or experiences or don’t take the extra time to learn.

Preparing for motherhood is a journey… one that you can never fully prepare for, you can just do your best. As I’ve read and learned I’ve been remind of how much I need JESUS to be a good mom. I am going to make mistakes, disappoint my children and even sin against them. How thankful I am for God’s grace that will continue to teach and grow me as I seek to be a mom who raises her children well. I pray for the humility, wisdom, patience and the grace that’s going to be needed every single day.

I am looking forward to this new adventure and sharing news of our little one’s arrival with you in the near future! 

                                                       (with my husband at 37 weeks)

Reading List: February 2018

Finished since last post:

Things I Wish I’d Known Sooner by Jaroldeen Edwards

The subtitle for this book is “Personal Discoveries of A Mother of Twelve”. It was a neat read from an experienced mom not just about parenting, but personal and spiritual discoveries as well. Great thoughts and meditations for any mom!

“Home is a living, breathing thing – a laboratory for living. I believe we should create a home that makes people think, ‘I want to be in that home,’ not ‘I wish I owned that home’.” (p. 77) “I realized that any growth that comes from pain and challenge can come only after we have stopped asking why… The firs thing we must do in order to begin to gain the lessons from pain is to accept what is past and let it go. Then we must begin to ask ourselves the what questions: What am I still able to do? What am I learning? What goals should I set?” (p. 101)

The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert: An English Professor's Journey into Christian Faith by Rosaria Butterfield

This was a super interesting testimony and story from a former lesbian turned pastor’s wife! Just hearing her journey from lesbian feminist professor to Christian was inspiring and convicting… there were people who loved her no matter what and invited her into their home and patiently answered her questions. (There was one short chapter on her view of only singing Psalms in worship which I pretty much skipped - 0 Biblical support as far as I’m concerned – but I digress!). It also goes through her experiences as a pastor’s wife which was also really interesting.

Between Worlds: Essays on Culture and Belonging by Marilyn Gardner

Marilyn (Brown) Gardner grew up the child of missionaries in Pakistan. I knew her parents, one of her brothers married my mother’s sister. This was an interesting account of being a Third-Culture Kid (TCK) – a child who is raised in a different country than it says on their passport and how their sense of “home” is rather… confused, and comes with challenges that others have a hard time understanding. It was an interesting read and I really appreciated her openness and honesty about her experiences and journeys. 

The Shaping of A Christian Family by Elisabeth Elliot

This subtitle of this book is “How My Parents Nurtured My Faith”, and it’s about Elisabeth’s parents, their own history and how they nurtured and raised their 6 children. It’s one families’ story, but it is beautiful, inspiring, convicting even. She talks about her parent’s individual walks with God, how they instructed, disciplined, dealt with work and play, how they particularly nurtured and taught each child, learned to trust them to God as they made life decisions (some of which maybe they weren’t thrilled about) and learned to let them go (Elisabeth along with several of her siblings went to the mission field). It gave me some great inspiration about how I want to raise my children in the Lord.

Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth by Ida May Gaskin

This was written by a woman who, when she wrote this book, had been a midwife for 30+ years and overseen hundreds of births. This book is a MUST-READ for every pregnant woman! It is a powerful book that has put me in awe of how amazing God created the female body! Birth is not a thing that we need to fear (although it must be taken seriously). It is a natural thing, not something to be treated. Babies were meant to be born and women were made to give birth to them. Yes, there’s pain involved, but it’s not the kind of pain you need to dread…. In fact, the birth experience can be the most amazing of your life! As I get ready to have my child in the next 3 months, I am excited and ready to trust God and my body to do what it was made to do.

The Duties of Parents by J.C. Ryle

I have really appreciated J.C’ Ryle’s books in the past so wanted to read this short work as well. Very simple, but important advice for parents on raising their children in the ways of the Lord.

“Train [your children] with this thought continually before your eyes that the soup of your child is the first thing to be considered.”

Dissolving Illusions: Disease, Vaccines, and the Forgotten History by Suzanne Humphries, MD & Roman Rystrianyk

This was a book written by two individuals (one a medical doctor) who have spent years researching and studying health, disease and vaccines. They take a detailed look at the history of disease and how vaccines were created and what their actual impact was. Did vaccines really cause the eradication of smallpox and other diseases? Or is there a lot more to the story? Very interesting and informative book!

“Beginning in the mid-to-late 1800’s and into the 1900’s, the mortality rate for all infections diseases dropped. The deadly threats that were once so commonplace slowly faded into the past. By the end of the 19^th century, it was apparent that sanitation was making a significant impact against the bacterial diseases, typhus and typhoid fever, without any vaccine.”

Currently Reading:

Grace-filled Parenting by Paul Tripp (great so far!)